Wednesday, November 4, 2009

This title just seems so small, y'know?

I have recently been informed that in approximately 4.5 billion years, this planet Earth is going to cease to exist. I am posting now to make public record of the fact that I am extremely displeased with this developing situation.

What they propose is going to happen is that the sun - friendly emblem of happiness credited for every day we describe as being "nice" - is going to eat us. Or perhaps more accurately burn us to vapor and then suck up the fumes.

Diagram A

I'm going to speak frankly here. I have a problem with that.

We literally worship the thing. Build it all kinds of lovely temples. Our innocent children draw smiley faces on it in their little pictures. Apparently, though, none of this behavior is anywhere near as endearing as we'd hoped. All the supplications in the world don't change the fact that in the grand scheme of things, we rank no higher than hors d'oeuvres.

No, nobody needs to come over here with picture books and explain, using their puppy house-training voice, that I'll be very thoroughly dead by that point anyway. I am quite aware of that likelihood, thank you.

Likewise, however, I think we can all concede that my death is technically just a hypothesis founded on previous evidence until proven fact. I mean what's the ultimate point of all the disease research and guard rails and letting the poor toast burn when we've got a fork sitting right there if we're just taking it as read that we're all going to die anyway? That might be the reality, but surely it's not the goal. What if we did figure it all out? Padded every sharp corner, destroyed every weapon, cured every disease, and reversed aging. Haha! Immortality at last!

Oh crap. The sun's exploding.

It doesn't show a lot of dedication to the cause if we're not looking at the long term, big picture. There's no point basting ourselves in sunscreen now just to watch our pasty flesh sizzle on the bone like pork cracklins in just a few short billion years. Little surprise that so many of us do fail to take proper care of our health. Let's examine the options: die from an excess of drinking, drugs, sleeping around and fattening foods, or be cooked by an exploding star.

Pass the methamphetamine and pop tarts. Exploding arteries seem rather more civilized, even quaint by contrast. Perhaps because there's less soul shredding terror involved.

So let's hear some options, folks. I'd just as soon not evacuate. We're already pretty settled in now, imagine the clutter we'll have accumulated in four and a half billion more years. It would take several generations just to tidy the hall closet. Nobody's going to want to pack all that. We'll need to either fix the sun or replace it. If we fix it the thing's still going to wear out again eventually, so really the best option is to just replace it.

I vote we set Jupiter on fire. Who's with me?

19 comments:

BaldyLocks said...

After reading this post I truly believe our minds are one.

tattytiara said...

I've always liked your mind. Does that mean I'm vain?

BaldyLocks said...

I think *we* might just be vain but I won't tell anybody if you don't ;)

I added your link to my blog because it's sure to make people smile!

tattytiara said...

Why thank you my dear, and you've got yourself a new follower!

TheFrogBag said...

Haha, this is a post after my own heart! I guess I should keep the whole "heat death of the universe" fact I just read to myself...

Brian Miller said...

size does not matter in titles, its how satisfying the read...we already bombed the moon why not jupiter as well.

IB said...

"Exploding arteries seem rather more civilized, even quaint by contrast."

You friend, are a hoot.

Gaston Studio said...

If Nostradamus is right, December 21, 2010 will take care of all your worries.

otin said...

The human race will kill itself off long before the world ends, so I think that you should chop about 20 million off of that total time!

Kate said...

Really interesating post. I am not sure if I agree yet or not but I love your style.

Kate x

Krimmyk said...

Psshhh, I am all for blowing up Jupiter! Or any planet for that matter. I still think Pluto got screwed in its demotion 3 years back. Whats next Uranus? {crickets} So, that didn't go over as well out loud as in my head. Oh well, you get the point.

Ron said...

Brava!

You have such a great way of mixing truth with humor.

And I agree with you.

Amen!

Fire Byrd said...

Just cause I can I'll ignore your words and tell you that the last concert I went to was Earth Wind and Fire and they were fab!
xx
Ps aren't we all supposed to drop off our perches in 2012 anyway, if the Mayan people were right?

AngelMay said...

I agree. I'm extremely displeased with this developing situation, too. 4.5 billion years is not going to be nearly enough time to edit my next short story. What can I say? I'm slow. And if anyone thinks I'm dropping off my perch in 2012, they can just think again. Pfffffft on the Mayans!

♥ Braja said...

Oh no, not Jupiter.....it's the only planet to have the style to wear a ring.

Wait...that's Saturn, right?

Shit.

Anya said...

Amazing post
I love your style :-)

cabin + cub said...

ooooh jupiter on fire!.. i wonder if it would explode, since its a giant ball of gas... sorry, went off on a tangent there.

BrightenedBoy said...

I've thought of this, too, the idea that this planet from which we sprung and on which every one of our civilizations has been built will one day disappear.

It's losing your home in the most fundamental way possible.

I wouldn't fret about it, though; if humanity is still around in four billion years, we'll have long since taken to the stars. I think our far descendants will have a plan for handling this.

Chris said...

Don't forget, the whole "sun eating the earth" thing is only a theory. Like evolution. At least we know it won't be another flood.

Oh, and under no circumstances should you read "The Last Three Minutes."

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