Sunday, November 1, 2009

This title commemorates all the titles that came before.

Happy left over candy day! My teeth are crying, my dogs are sulking, there are tiny little wrappers everywhere and I'm too full to make dinner. As I type I'm popping gum balls into my mouth, chewing them for a minute or two, and then spitting them out as soon as they stop being juicy to make room for a new one. Apparently that's the way they used to chew gum just before the fall of Rome, too.

I know what you're thinking and nuh uh - this isn't stuff that was left over in the store that I bought cheap. These are legitimate left overs. Stuff I bought for other people who didn't show up to claim it. That's fair won booty.

Not my fault I fell asleep and didn't hear the door until most of them had gone home for the night. Really, it's not. Did you know there are people mad enough to think getting out of bed on a Saturday morning just to go have brunch is a good idea, and that these people have the full freedoms and liberties that normal humans do? Consider yourself warned. I'd already provided what I thought was the obvious answer to the question of what I was doing Saturday morning - nothing - and found myself staring down the barrel of a sincere invitation before I found out myself.

I will no longer count being unconscious as doing nothing. Sleeping is absolutely doing something. I'm not sure what it is, exactly, but I'm very confident that it's a higher priority than brunch.

Anyway it's nice to have the festivities over with. Now I can just sit back, relax and...

...oh yeah. Christmas.

Okay. I've got about two weeks of sanity here before all hell breaks loose.

You know those annual company parties you attend in order to maintain good relations with coworkers, positively influence supervisors, and make up the difference of how much you thought your holiday bonus should have been in free liquor? I'm the stiffly smiling entertainer paid to distract you long enough for the alcohol to make you sleepy! I think the number one reason companies have for hiring the company I work for is "to avoid a repeat of last year." Sure, interactive entertainment for large groups is expensive. So is the bill for the clean up from an impromptu game of left-over-dinner-roll football or a Chinese Circus inspired chair balancing act performed by three guys who can't agree on which direction the floor is spinning, though.

The glamour. The excitement. The audiences so drunk I could entertain them for hours with a spirited game of peek-a-boo. I love show business.

The next two weeks are war room weeks. Instead of generals I have on-site producers. Instead of infantry I have actors. Instead of artillery I have sound systems and gaming equipment. Everything needs to be deployed strategically to maximize both the available resources and the impact it will have. I don't want to be making these decisions in the field. Two weeks from now everything will be mobilized, and there'll be no turning back.

No retreat.

No rest.

No prisoners.

Clients really do get mad when you take prisoners. That's probably why we require payment in advance.

19 comments:

Joanna Jenkins said...

Ha!!! "......oh yeah. Christmas." Hysterical.

Enjoy the candy :-)

xo

Tamara said...

I hate year-end functions. They make my teeth hurt like overdosing on candy makes yours ache. But taking clients prisoner sounds like a plan.

At least if anything goes wrong with your entertainment 90% of the folk there will be too drunk to nitice. Trouble is they're also usually too far gone to appreciate it.

All the best, soldier.

JennyMac said...

I am taking all of our son's candy to my office. It will be gone in 15 minutes. LOL.


Good luck with the big production!

Kate said...

Ha ha sounds like fun....

Kate xx

IB said...

It has fallen on me this year to plan the holidays parties at 3 of our offices. I'm kind of a Scrooge, so this work will be a challenge. Fortunately my assistant "Loves Christmas!" so I'll be delegating all of the festive excitement to her.

Still, I will have to show up and play host. These things never end well.

Krimmyk said...

WE did a trunk or treat at little dudes school. Little did I realize it was just an excuse to tailgate. A Kiddy tailgate party. we had over 300 pieces of candy. Gone in less than an hour! Nice show for a rural school with 120 kids, other communities invaded for sure. There was no left over candy, so being the awesome parents we are we went out yesterday and refilled the bowl with better candy tossing out the crappy cheap stuff. It was insanity. I already started Christmas stuff, so time to get that mind set. I like the idea of haunted houses over yule tidings. How many gumballs were sacrificed in reading this post? lol

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I have to go buy candy as my youngest, at 17, misses his trick or treat loot....

cabin + cub said...

Awww. man... no leftover candy over here.... no on ever comes since we are in a condo building, so we never get any .. since I would end up eating the whole bag. ;)

Fire Byrd said...

We too had no callers so my son gets to eat all the candy. Cause I didn't buy any choc and I don't eat candy!

I so love the titles of your posts each one is better than the last.
xx

Captain Dumbass said...

No retreat, no surrender. Good luck.

Brian Miller said...

ha. i love your post titles....this one was too funny! tis the season...at least the candy will give you a sugar rush! smiles.

I Wonder Wye said...

Eegads, sounds like you do need to stock up on sleep! and ha -- I chew gum the very same way! For some reason when I am on a road trip I stock up on those bubble gum tootsie rolls -- blow pops -- ridiculous. I must look like a squirrel going down the road. Don't eat them any other time.....

Anya said...

Wonderful art on your blog :)))

Ron said...

As I was reading your first paragraph I was laughing my tush off because I did the same thing. One piece of gum after another - over and over again until I thought my jaw was going to snap.

Yesterday afternoon I attacked the miniature tootsie rolls!

And then last night I finally crashed from two day sugar binge.

OY VEY.

Your job sounds very cool!

blognut said...

OMG! I think I LOVE your job.

Want to trade?

bernthis said...

Sleeping is a great career. I make nothing from it but I always feel so, well.. awake afterwards

otin said...

I love January, just so that I don't have to shell out money for anything!

Theresa said...

Hey so good to see you and connect again, I have missed you!

love
t

Graygrrrl said...

A favorite quote of mine (that I barely remember making) is: "I'm a very busy person. I sleep a lot." That pretty much sums me up. Sleeping is very exhausting work sometimes! Also, trick-r-treat candy that goes unclaimed are absolutely spoils of war and go to the victor, namely you for buying them! Congrats!

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