Sunday, November 22, 2009

Heeeeeeeeere titletitletitletitletitle!

People often wonder what animals would say if they could talk. I consider my pets. The many years we've been together. The many things they've seen. Then I consider the cost of having their vocal cords removed.

Absolutely, it would be wonderful to be able to ask them things like why the cardboard file box filled with important work documents was so much more tempting than the cardboard scratching post filled with catnip, or what, pray tell and for the love of all that is holy, is so horrendously, anguishingly dreadful about having your fur gently brushed that it warrants screaming that special scream dogs reserve for when they're trying to convince your neighbours to call animal protection services? I wouldn't expect a straight answer on questions like that anyway, though. I already get as much of an answer as I'm ever going to. Damn right animals can smirk.

No, there really is no practical benefit that could outweigh the dependency the relationship my pets and I share on the fact that they are not capable of relating anything they've seen or heard. Ever. To anybody. It's enough that they're capable of dragging the contents of the bathroom garbage out into the middle of the living room for cocktail party show-and-tell, I don't need them providing colour commentary on how the various items were used.

There are a lot of reasons cited for humans' deep affection for animals, but I think their provision of mute witness is the cornerstone. They'll keep you company while you hurl juicy insults into the toilet bowl and never remind you about the incident again. They'll listen to every argument about why your boyfriend should be drawn and quartered and never say "Well I certainly didn't expect to see you back here!" after you've stopped being angry at him.

They won't fart and blame it on you, and I think everybody with pets knows from experience that they won't defend themselves when similarly accused.

It's no use, Cynthia. Once you've seen me naked you can't un-see it.

Of course if they could talk they probably wouldn't talk about the sorts of things that we like to talk about anyway. I think we can take comfort in the fact that our dogs don't have enough interest in our personal dramas to go about relaying the details of our late night dessert fueled orgies of self examination. We could be confident, however, that were they ever to have a deep discussion with our dogs, our friends and neighbours would be provided full detailed accounts of the the many rich and varied fragrances that emanate from our backsides.

Any way you look at it, they know too much.

And now for some shameless bragging:

When somebody really funny gives you an award because they think you're really funny that's really cool, and that's why this Musterole Award! (exclamation point mine, because the words Musterole Award! just look naked without one for some reason) is so cool - because Speaking From the Crib gave it to me.


It's likely anybody reading this is already reading her blog because it's that damn good and she has that damn many followers, but if on the off chance I found you first, go go go go go to her blog. You'll love it.

Thanks, babe!

27 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

Thanks for the link; I found that she and I have a lot inn common--go check the comment I left on her blog!

Muthering Heights said...

I think you're right - they know too much!

Where the Fur Flies said...

For the most part you're right, but I wish my little dog could talk sometimes. He suffers from panic attacks occasionally, and I'd love for him to tell me what's setting them off.

tattytiara said...

Fur Flies, have you read Temple Grandin's book Animals in Translation? She works with cows, but it does offer a lot of insight into how to interpret various animals reactions to stimuli, especially those that invoke panicked responses. I know how hard it is to be left wondering what's going on when they can't tell us what's wrong!

HalfAsstic.com said...

Honey, this entire post is yet more proof positive that there SHOULD BE NO DOG IN THE WHITE HOUSE... AT LEAST NOT THE PENTAGON...

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

Well, my cats do talk. At least, sort of. They come from the Middle East, where all cats talk. They have about 12 different sounds they make and each means something different, the meaning of which is clear. For example, they have one sound for berating me when I come home late, another asking for food, yet another to indicate that they are about to jump up onto something and a different one to indicate that they are going to jump down, and so on. I thought my cat, Murjan, adopted over there, was unique, then some other cat owners there told me it was typical, as I found out as a I reached adopted cat #6.

Fun post!

TheFrogBag said...

Yes, you have it quite right! Smirking animals? I think that, like the Talking Heads once said, they're laughing at us. I know for a fact my cats smirk. And I'm pretty sure that they laugh at not only me, but at the dog too. Especially when she runs in her sleep and falls of the couch.

Alix said...

Hi Tatty! Greetings from Casa Hice...

I came over to thank you for visiting and leaving a comment about my Sunday Roast. Having Joanna Jenkins in common is a very very good thing. She knows all the best blogs, so naturally when I came here I was blown away by your hilarious post on animal confidentiality. What a freaking hoot. It's early morning and I nearly woke up my husband with all the snorts and snickers that escaped as I made my way down your post. Had to stop in the middle of it and subscribe. I shall also put you on my blogroll so I never miss an update.

So happy to meet you and look forward to getting better acquainted!

XO

Alix said...

PS: I have a big shiny black male cat with emerald eyes named Salem Binx who's looking to hook up with Cynthia - that is if she's unattached?

Brndoutw8ress said...

This was a fun post, thanks for making me think twice about undressing infront of my Mia. I swear that cat talks to me, she is one of those kitty's that cries insesantly and it really gets on my nerves, I wish she could just tell me what her problem is instead of whining like a 2 year old!

nitebyrd said...

Talking animals appeals more to me than most talking humans. I do believe they'd speak more intelligently.

Congratulations on the award. You ARE very funny!

f1trey said...

women do like that unconditional thing........ that does make sense to me....

pets fit the bill

Gaston Studio said...

Congrats on the Musterole award, that's really cool because you ARE quite funny!

Loved the post, and since I "speak" for my pets, interjecting what I think they're thinking, it spoke to me quite loudly!

glitterbygrammie said...

It really is a good thing animals can't talk. boy would I be in trouble from the get go. Like mom asking did you feed the cat? ME yes. NOT forgot.But the cat keeps bugging mom so she feeds it because it must just be a little hungrier today.
thanks

Brian Miller said...

oh to be able to read our pets blogs...lol. off to visit your friend...

Ms Bibi said...

I often wondered what would my dogs say if they could talk and then I decided that I really don't want to know. They would have probably some choice words for my kids.

cabin + cub said...

I sometimes wonder what animals are thinking, since they sometimes can really throw the funny looks.
I wonder if they talk behind people's backs?

Tammy Howard said...

My dog is - not very smart. Without words that quality has a certain charm. With words I'm rather certain I wouldn't be able to handle her...

Ron said...

OMG...what a freakin' fabulous post!!

*loved the photo and caption of Cynthia.

You nailed it on the reasons cited for humans' deep affection for animals!

And I agree with Nitebyrd...talking animals appeal to me more than talking people.

And I bet they know how to keep a secret better too!

Congrats on your award!

Much deserved!

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Speaking from the Crib is funny, and just the few minutes I've been looking at your blog, I've come to the conclusion that you definitely deserve that award!

Because I want to be sexy, I follow you now.

And thanks for stopping by and commenting! I'm with you and puppets. The Fox movie kind of gave me the creeps...they look like taxidermy animals...but then I read all the work that went into the movie and watch the featurettes on the site and wow! I'm sold! I can't wait to see it!

Liam said...

I guess I would be scratching furniture and screaming too if someone grabbed me locked me in a house and ended my sex life.... and they say it's a dogs life. What about the poor old kitties?

I actually left this comment on another blog by mistake. It was meant to be left on yours. She must think I'm nuts.

Indigo said...

My pussy is called Mr.Tigsworth, he's lazy, adorable, always hungry, has bad habits too, bit like men! I some times mimic what he'd say esp when I refuse to feed him because he's got a bowl full of food, ' come arn, give me some thing I actually like woman' I laugh which means I'm as fucked up as UBERMOUTH hehehehehehehe

♥ Braja said...

Ms Tatty. You're freakin' nuts. I love it.

linlah said...

This is odd to me because my dog can talk and he's always calling me an idiot about something. Okay maybe he just looks at me like I'm an idoit but it feels pretty outloud.

Traci said...

We have a lot in common. Before my human children, my husband and I had "kitty" children. We had stockings at Christmas, etc. I completely understand, therefore, how they are so in your focus. Pet love is beautiful love -- so you're not "sad".

Also, I am an A-1 terrible liar. I just don't do it because I can't help but reveal myself.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm your newest follower.
:-)

dogimo said...

CYLON CAT! ! AAAAHHH!

Picture Imperfect said...

Hey tattytiara!

I'm so glad you stopped by my blog yesterday, because you led me to this goldmine! I love your blog! :o)

My pets know wayyyy too much. Both of them were with me through my craziest years in life and if they could tell my secrets... they'd have to go. LOL.

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