Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Every word of this title is true.

So if I were to write two consecutive posts about my pets, how annoying would that be? Very, wouldn't it? Okay. Maybe I should just write about my boyfriend.

My boyfriend gets along with my pets really well.

Look, I'm sorry! But there are five of them, you know. As I write this very sentence I am having my belly kneaded and thighs drooled upon by a loosely packed ten pound bag of purr. The topic's kind of inescapable around here. They're part of the very air that I breathe. Seriously - has anybody else ever inhaled a dog hair? That's like the final exam at sword swallowing school.

Look at it this way - it's really not much different than being a mommy blogger. It's basically exactly the same, only sad.

The point is I can't not write about my dog right now. In about forty minutes I have to leave to go and have dinner with my boyfriend, and the dog's not coming.

And the dog has somehow figured this out. And the guilt is already killing me.

Oooh yes he knows. I've been careful not to speak the man's name. I haven't made a move to get ready yet. Still - the dog knows.

Of course he knows. He's a dog. Dogs can smell guilt. Believe me, too - nobody oozes the stank of guilt like I do.

I've never had to face the moral dilemma of lying. I'd be more likely to face the moral dilemma of how to use super powers responsibly. I lie rather less ably than I outrun speeding bullets or jump over tall buildings, and I know that, so I just don't do it. Not even to my pets.

Really, I've tried it. It didn't go well. I told my cats that the cheap crap I bought them was all they had at the store. They didn't question my story. You know, because they're cats. I still crumbled. Confessed. Apologized. Assuaged my guilt with kitty treats. They accepted them happily. I considered counseling. Ultimately decided that would just be too embarrassing to admit to a counselor (but not, apparently, the internet), and decided it would be easier to simply never lie to my pets again.

Those aren't reflections of the flash in his eyes, those are guilt rays.

I think, though, that the lie of omission might be the worst lie there is when dealing with dogs. After all, to them one "blah blah blah blah"'s the same as the next "blah blah blah blah"'s the same as any "blah blah blah blah". It's when we're quiet that they know we're up to something.

Okay, I have to go and get ready here.

He's looking at me. Make him stop looking at me!

I'd better pack a toothbrush. I don't have the guts to come home smelling like roast beef.

38 comments:

Where the Fur Flies said...

I give my dogs treats when I leave. Freeze dried chicken breasts are so popular around here, that they're more excited about the treat than they are upset about my departure.

injaynesworld said...

Girlfriend, you can post about your pets all you want. Why should those mommybloggers have all the fun? My dog, Dixie, was raised from a puppy by a cat, so when I leave the house she just yawns and licks her paw. Conversely, when I return home she also just yawns and licks her paw. Occasionally, she will do the happy dance when I walk in the door, but then she catches the cat giving her that look of disapproval only cats can give and she gets all embarrassed.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Oh, honey. The term "doggy bag" was never more apt. You better not eat all your roast beef! ;-)

glitterbygrammie said...

My dogs love it when I leave. Only because everytime I come back in the door they get a treat. This habit I started because of the going somewhere without them guilt. So they are happy to see me go and real happy to see me come back. They hardly let me in the door,you can hear them chanting treat treat treat.
So don't let the guilt get to you.It causes overweight dogs and a large treat budget.

Eva Gallant said...

Dogs, cats, kids--it's all the same; they're sll manipulators!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

What a face on that one. He is a keeper.

Liam said...

incase you're interested I'm not ending my blog until February. That's when our baby is due.

ree said...

My dog pees on me when I get home. Of course, I work in a different state four days every week, so it's like I'm a stranger walking in the door - and pee is part of meeting him. ;-)

Muthering Heights said...

LOLOLOL, guilt rays!!!

blueviolet said...

You are too funny! Guilt rays! I LOVE it!!!

Ashley Bates said...

I love your blog! Your posts always crack me up. Go, crazy pet people! I totally understand where you're coming from; I'm the same way with my dog.

Jeanie said...

I'm so okay with the pet posts. We have a 2 week new dog (well, he's
1, but we've had him 2 weeks) and he has totally taken over. Don't know if we'll ever go out to dinner again. And I've already written 3 post about him.

Charles Gramlich said...

I got a good laugh from this one. But I know the dog look you speak of. If the boyfriend is a werewolf you can keep him as a pet too.

Krimmyk said...

Sully is very picky about treats, being a show dog poisoned his mind/psyche! I will usually try to sneak him some steak if we go out or chicken at home, but he eats EVO Large bites. Being 9lbs you would think he wouldn't, but it all he will eat. I can't complain it keeps his teeth clean. But I understand the whole animal guilt thing. Sully doesn't greet us, he's all dorkish and catty. He won't even eat stuff we drop on the ground, I mean WTH, why do I have a dog if not to clean up after me when I drop food? I don't have a cat anymore, but I'm not all about being all mind controlled by the feline either. I am on to their plot, I've seen Cats and Dogs. Most think it was fiction...

linlah said...

There is nothing more heart warming than guilt rays from a dog.

Jocelyn said...

And for this line alone:

"it's really not much different than being a mommy blogger. It's basically exactly the same, only sad"

...I have become your new lunatic fan. Okay, not really a lunatic, am I, but, er, enthusiastic.

Fire Byrd said...

No good seeing a counsellor, cause I have the same problem. Miss Trix copes grudgingly with me going out to work to listen to all my mad clients. Little do they know that I'm worse! Going out at other times even worse going away for the weekend, oh the guilt is bad. And when I'm away I worry far more about the dog than I so my son also at home!!! So there you have it conclusive proff that therapists are a lost cause too!!

xx

Fire Byrd said...

see having a dog and being a therapist makes you loose your marbles try putting in the words 'as' and 'proof' when the occasion fits!

The Wifey said...

All through high school I theorized that my dog could tell those sorts of things when I'd be getting ready to leave, or when my (now husband) boyfriend at the time would come inside to pick me up. I used to tease and say "Teddy, you look at me like Philip is going to take me away forever."

He did. 2,200 miles away. Teddy knew it all along.

Tamara said...

Wahahaha... guilt rays.

My cats are useless at feigning indifference, unlike the rest of their species. When I get home from work, they are waiting at the door. I've refrianed from telling them it's just not dignified for a cat. Because, well... I like it ;-)

Millennium Housewife said...

Bloody funny post, thanks for making me laugh out loud, very little does.
PS dogs, like elephants, never forget, expect dire punishments for leaving.

Brndoutw8ress said...

I am feeling guilty about something that happened to my kitty last night. I was lying in bed reading and petting my cat when out of nowhere she decided to be a tiger and bite down HARD on my hand. My natural instinct was to jerk back and in doing so I must've got her in the eye with the corner of my book. AWE now this morning her eye is swollen and teary. I feel like an abuser and she is just looking at me like I am the meanest mommy ever! I tried to show her the 6 inch scratch and tiny teeth marks she gave me but it didn't work she feels no remorse! Great post by the way love the green guilt rays eminating from puppy's eyes, very believing!

Mrsblogalot said...

They always know!!!!! I couldn't look into those eyes and leave!!! Doggy Guilt is a horrible thing but is often cured by leftover treats!!

lifeissweet16 said...

That was too too funny. And I totally understand.

Fragrant Liar said...

I dunno. Between pets and boyfriends . . . I might have to choose the pets!

Well, unless the boyfriend really rocks it. But those guilt rays are scary!

kristibonney.wordpress.com said...

Stopping by from SITS...
Happy Turkey Day Eve! Loved this post. Love your humor. Love your dog's guilt rays. I love it all! Stop by my blog sometime...

trousers said...

a loosely packed ten pound bag of purr - what a lovely description of a cat :)

"And so our stories go..." said...

I have grand dogs. They are better than grandkids :-)
Mary

Brian Miller said...

i hope you had a great time....i bet they were waiting for you to get home. my cat...gonna be real upset when we roll out here in about and hour....

cabin + cub said...

I want to get a dog one day... but our apatment is a bit cramped at the moment. One day! Love that pic of your dog... guilt rays indeed!

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Oh, that dog definitely knows somethings up. You can tell. You should bring him home a doggy bag.

Pam said...

I am new to your blog and loving it.Enjoyed scrolling back through your previous posts.Just great.Sooo funny.You have the best way with words, wasted on the cat probably.Although I've seen some maniacal dog grins,never seen a cat crack up with laughter yet.I agree about posting about your pets all you want,and taunt the dog when you come home smelling of roast beef,rather than pigs ears,the latest chewy treat to drive dogs crazy here.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Dogs DO have a way of knowing there they are about to get left out of a good roast beef dinner...

Ron said...

Those aren't reflections of the flash in his eyes, those are guilt rays.

Bwhahahahahahaha!

Oh dear god...that cracked me up!

And please continue to pet post, because I love them!

(so much more than mommy blogs)

Happy Thanksgiving!

JoeyRes said...

Those are some pretty great "guilt rays". My dog gives us the "I'm dying inside because you're leaving" by following us around and bumping her nose into our legs as we're trying to get ready. You just have to love dogs!

Holly said...

My blog often serves as a pet-mommy-blog too. In fact, I think I'd live my life just fine only being a mommy to my little furballs. And then I see someone carrying an adorable, chubby baby around and it wrecks my plans!

Picture Imperfect said...

I like your pet posts - two in a row is awesome!

My cat really doesn't care when I come and go. As long as he's got food he's happy.

The dog knows that when I leave for work in the morning, he stays home and makes a nest in my blankets (grumble) and sleeps until I get home in the afternoon. Any time after *that*... he knows without a doubt that he should be taken with me wherever I go. Convincing him otherwise is sometimes difficult. ;o)

Hannah said...

I certainly understand. It's hard not to feel guilty when our fury friends are always so loving and forgiving.

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