Friday, May 11, 2012

Never write a title when you're angry, becPOOP! POOP POOP POOP POOOOOOOP!

There are people in this world who think I'm incapable of disciplining my pets. That I'm incapable of punishing them when they do something wrong.

Mm.  Really.  Incapable.

Does this look incapable to you?


Yeah.  I don't think this "incapable" pet owner is going to have to worry about her butter being stolen again. I got a lot more hats where that came from, and an entire trunk literally filled with wigs.

No dog's that hungry.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I view my titles as a means of expressing my love for you, (insert reader's name here).

May all the bugs in your food turn out to be poppy seeds.

May you always pick the fastest cashier.

May your analogies always make sense and your anecdotes never ramble. 

May your dog always make it to the yard in time.

May your cell phone miss the toilet bowl completely, and land in the laundry hamper.

May you manage to suck that thing out from between your teeth before it's your turn to talk.

May nobody have seen you trip, nor your lame attempt to make it look like it was on purpose.

May you get distracted before you find the dance floor when you're really really drunk. 

May they accidentally delete those photos of you just before you really piss them off.

May you have new batteries on hand when the smoke alarm starts beeping.

May your kid ask the other parent where babies come from, and may that stain on their pants turn out to be chocolate.

May your bathroom scale be broken and reading five pounds too high.

May they credit your account, honor your expired coupons, and give you free upgrades.

And may there always be a cold beer in your fridge.

Namaste, my babies.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I bet I could finish writing a title in under ten seco

The Twelve Times of Day

1) Coffee time

2) Yell at cars time.

3) Watch the time time.

4) Coffee time.

5) Try to stop watching the time time.

6) Drive badly time.

7) Coffee time.

8) Dinner time.

9) Coffee time.

10) Beer time.

11) Bed time.

12) Get up to pee time.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Write a title... done. Hey, that was the only thing on the list. Oh well, done is done. Cookie please!

Perfectly Valid Reasons to be Happy

Your gloves happen to have the exact same number of fingers as your hands do.

Turns out the scary thing in the back of your fridge hasn't even expired yet.

The bell rang before it was your turn.

The *dog cleaned up what the cat did before you could even get a cloth.

The neighbourhood realtor came through with the free calendar just before you broke down and bought one.
 
The person leaving the stall you're next in line for was just in there cleaning it.

Shake shake shake, and now you're Not! out of ink!

Getting to read awesome blogs like The Smitten Image   injaynesworld  and That Blue Yak

Getting to **shamelessly promote your friends.

Not only is galoshes a real word, but there are actual things actually called galoshes.

You beat your boss to the elevator and got to push the button first.

Surprise! Free refill!

*if you don't get this one, just let it go.  For the best. Trust me.
** yes, that means I'll probably do it again, so don't even think your blog is safe just because you don't see it here

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

sdrawkcab eltit eht etirw uoy fi skrow ylno ti

SHH! The dog just ate bread. 

Now we wait.

Apparently I need complete silence to be superstitious.  I actually didn't know that about myself until just now.  Neither did I know I was superstitious until just now.  I had this zany notion that I was actually quite rational.  In retrospect, that was probably the least rational notion I ever held right there.

Nobody's rational.  Rational is not doable.  Our brains are pattern seekers, and that quest is inherently tied to a need for satisfaction. Needs are not rational. I cite 85% of the things you did in puberty as proof of that.

I need this to work, and I'm willing to be however irrational I need to be to make it work. Seriously. I'll play the lottery, buy firming lotions, and marry for love. Whatever it takes.

I need sleep. The dog gagged all night last night.  Not scary emergency vet gagging, but ate a blade of grass that wasn't ready to die and has plastered itself to the side of his throat like a masked, beret wearing, stripey shirted burglar gagging. I think maybe. 

That or he is sick. I'm not keen on that second option at all.

Don't worry! The internet will save us!  Maybe?  I dunno.  Something said to feed him bread. Yeah, okay.  It definitely won't kill him, so I fed him bread.

And he's been silent ever since.

And so have I.

Because somehow my brain has decided that if I never talk again, he will never cough again.  Because apparently at some point he coughed right after I'd spoken, and that was enough to convince Dr. Sciencey Proof Finder here that speaking causes dogs to cough. And that only bread can cure them. Or something.

Look, I don't see any logic lining up with ideas that might help me sleep through the night, so this is what we're going with.  Okay?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Hey, for you guys? The good title. Definitely the good title.

These are my fishies.  They keep me safe.
Nothing bad happens in fishie land. Never ever. No it DOESN'T.
The last person who bathed in my tub was the elderly man whose house I bought following his death, and whose carpeting crunched when I rolled it up. I have bleached and scoured and killed and re-killed the ghosts of any bacteria that have ever so much as looked at that tub, and I still refuse to allow any flesh on my body to commune with it's surface. My stomach even invented a specific convulsion reserved exclusively for when my feet stray off the happy fishie bathmat that both protects and distracts me from the horror surrounding my most vulnerable state.

And I am sad. I want to be naked and submerged and covered with bubbles. Without having to enter a radio contest.

Of course a much better place to be naked, wet and slippery would be my boyfriend's, anyway. Would be. If his water wasn't orange.  Carrot with a spray tan orange. And if it didn't leave behind scales so thick and so sharp you could shave with them. Yes, he's had the water tested.  Ask him about it sometime. It will give him great delight to drag out the report and show you how tiny the margin was by which it passed as drinkable.

I don't know.  That's just the kind of thing farmers find funny, I guess. Keep in mind that 80% of the man's social contacts are cows.  You gotta cut the guy some slack.

But this still leaves me in an unforgivably vertical state for all of my bathing practices.

Hm. Oh. Sorry. I guess none of this has anything to do with anything relevant for anybody reading this.  I was just booking a hotel room for an upcoming over nighter, and was debating between the $78.00/night and the $171.00/night options. Writing this was... helpful.

Never mind! Back to your lives now.

Toodles!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

And for those who hate titles, piping hot tough cookies up your nose!

Ten Reasons Not to Pour
Soup Down Your Pants
an unfavorable post about soup 
for the benefit of my beloved and 
most passionate soup hating readers

1) The crackers itch.

2) What dogs lack in critical thinking skills they make up for in speed when they smell food.

3) Your socks aren't nearly as absorbent as you think.

4) Ants. Charming expression, horrific reality.

5) You probably won't remember to take your cell phone out of your pocket first.

6) Root vegetables retain an alarming amount of heat.

7) You won't be allowed on the good furniture.

8) You won't be allowed on school properties.

9) You might spill and get some on your shoes. 

10) I might be going out on a limb with this one, but isn't it just possible you might have something better to do?

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Alberta, Canada
Quality blog entertainments delivered in a convenient, electronic format, and widely read by the sexiest, most intelligent, and wittiest people on the internet - all of whom practice exemplary personal hygiene.