May all the bugs in your food turn out to be poppy seeds.
May you always pick the fastest cashier.
May your analogies always make sense and your anecdotes never ramble.
May your dog always make it to the yard in time.
May your cell phone miss the toilet bowl completely, and land in the laundry hamper.
May you manage to suck that thing out from between your teeth before it's your turn to talk.
May nobody have seen you trip, nor your lame attempt to make it look like it was on purpose.
May you get distracted before you find the dance floor when you're really really drunk.
May they accidentally delete those photos of you just before you really piss them off.
May you have new batteries on hand when the smoke alarm starts beeping.
May your kid ask the other parent where babies come from, and may that stain on their pants turn out to be chocolate.
May your bathroom scale be broken and reading five pounds too high.
May they credit your account, honor your expired coupons, and give you free upgrades.
And may there always be a cold beer in your fridge.
Namaste, my babies.
Dear Nolan... You're 3 months old!
6 hours ago