Friday, March 9, 2012

Hey, for you guys? The good title. Definitely the good title.

These are my fishies.  They keep me safe.
Nothing bad happens in fishie land. Never ever. No it DOESN'T.
The last person who bathed in my tub was the elderly man whose house I bought following his death, and whose carpeting crunched when I rolled it up. I have bleached and scoured and killed and re-killed the ghosts of any bacteria that have ever so much as looked at that tub, and I still refuse to allow any flesh on my body to commune with it's surface. My stomach even invented a specific convulsion reserved exclusively for when my feet stray off the happy fishie bathmat that both protects and distracts me from the horror surrounding my most vulnerable state.

And I am sad. I want to be naked and submerged and covered with bubbles. Without having to enter a radio contest.

Of course a much better place to be naked, wet and slippery would be my boyfriend's, anyway. Would be. If his water wasn't orange.  Carrot with a spray tan orange. And if it didn't leave behind scales so thick and so sharp you could shave with them. Yes, he's had the water tested.  Ask him about it sometime. It will give him great delight to drag out the report and show you how tiny the margin was by which it passed as drinkable.

I don't know.  That's just the kind of thing farmers find funny, I guess. Keep in mind that 80% of the man's social contacts are cows.  You gotta cut the guy some slack.

But this still leaves me in an unforgivably vertical state for all of my bathing practices.

Hm. Oh. Sorry. I guess none of this has anything to do with anything relevant for anybody reading this.  I was just booking a hotel room for an upcoming over nighter, and was debating between the $78.00/night and the $171.00/night options. Writing this was... helpful.

Never mind! Back to your lives now.

Toodles!

26 comments:

Nicky said...

I saw a report once on how hotel rooms are totally filthy, even the really expensive ones. The journalist went in with a black light and you could see all the blood stains and germs with teeth and the hairy bacteria and everything. But I'm sure your hotel room will be lovely. Have a nice trip!!

Brian Miller said...

def get the room with the jet tub....just saying....

Queenie Jeannie said...

I think you should just be brave and have a bath!!! Have some champagne!

mythopolis said...

The tub sounds like a Hitchcockian nightmare. You might want to call in a seer or a Catholic priest to purify the spirit of your tub, or to exorcise it. As for the orange water, if it is city water it may be in the rusting of the pipe distribution system..it's not good for the hot water heater either...

If it's well water, then the water is coming up through a vein or iron ore deposits, etc...In both cases what is needed is an iron filter installed in the building's water line.

If there is yellow water in the toilet bowl, most likely someone didn't flush....

Gaelyn said...

Take which ever hotel room has a bathtub and bring the bubblebath.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

You need to perform an exorcism on your own tub. Then sprinkle some rose petals and light some candles afterward. That should kill the weird karma.

louciao said...

Why is your boyfriend drinking his bathwater? Is it the cows' influence?

FrankandMary said...

I actually prefer when things have nothing to do with me. ~Mary

Rita said...

LOL! ;)
I do hope you get to have a nice bubbly soak at the hotel. :)

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Whenever I walk into Walmart I have to use the bathroom. Just saying just because you're sharing.

otin said...

I would stay away from the orange water. Did you ever see Erin Brokovich? lol

injaynesworld said...

Hey, your cat's butt looks like my cat's butt.

Carry on...

Saimi said...

Nicky just had to bring the filthy thing up...ah, it's so true but I"m sure the bathtub will be relaxing especially under all those hot bubbles!

Enjoy!!

Hilary said...

You know what's been in and cleaned out of your tub and won't soak in it but you're considering soaking in a tub which has had thousands of occupants perhaps as recently as that morning.... Makes sense to me. ;)

Secret Agent Woman said...

Did I trigger this? :-)

A hotel room with a good tub is a nice luxury.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

I actually don't like the tub because I like the dirt going down and away from me, not swirling in it. ;)

Deidre said...

Decisions decisions - definitely get a new tub though! And orange water? eep.

River said...

Have you tried covering the entire bath in fishie mats?
Have you ever watched crime shows and seen how many people get murdered in hotel baths and then just left there for the CSI's to process?

mo.stoneskin said...

None of this has anything to do with anything relevant...so I'm off...

....Petty Witter said...

Nah, much better is a shower.

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I agree, be brave. It sounds like you've done the best you can.

P. S. This post is fun. I smiled the hole way through.

Vicki Lane said...

Oh, the dilemma... you might want to take your fish mat with you...

Dr Zibbs said...

People are horrified when I tell them I take baths in hotels. Nothing like sitting int eh tub and having a few cocktails.

But then I shower for a half hour. While crying.

Nezzy said...

Girl ya are a riot!!! Book the room with the grandest tub in the hotel, you deserve it!

I always take some vinegar to run through the jetted tubs before I use 'em. 'Just sayin'......

God bless ya and I'd sure let ya use my jacuzzi tub in a heartbeat sweetie. I faithfully clean it with dishwasher detergent and Clorox followed by a vinegar rinse to clean those pipes out.

Have a lovely evenin' sweetie!!!

Ossa said...

LOL just recently I experience he same, hell.

Hyman said...

Gorgeous!

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