Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The serial number for this title is 64119482, and I HAVE IT REGISTERED.

You can't help but reflect on your life when you're standing over a hot air vent, heating a small dog to make it poo. It's just not a scenario anybody's imagination serves up when envisioning the future, and it comes as something of a shock to find oneself in it.

Yes, the same dog that wears panties and a maxi pad. She also wears a little sweater. While remarkably effective at making her look completely stupid, it really doesn't do a whole lot to keep her warm come February. No sweater can fully compensate the fact that small, twenty pound terriers were simply not designed to withstand the elements of a harsh Canadian winter. Small twenty pound terriers were not designed to withstand the elements of a kitchen where the refrigerator door has been left ajar.

Terriers are widely considered to be the cutest members of the crustacean family.

See, twenty pound terriers have two speeds: on, and off. When she's on Allison runs hotter than a blue star sipping a Tabasco sauce smoothie. When she's off, she's but a tiny burnt ember of a dog, with not so much as a faint glow left to keep her warm while she pees.

So she doesn't finish. She just stands there, shivering and unblinking as her eyes frost over, psychically screaming into my soul to take her inside. So I do bring her in, knowing full well that she's still fully equipped to turn our flooring into the saddest place on earth.

The trick is not letting her feet touch the ground. The tail hole in her little doggy diaper allows for freedom of more than just wagging, and as soon as the blood thaws in her happy bits she's ready to finish what she started. Under no circumstance can she be allowed purchase on a squat-able surface until that's happened. To speed up the process I hold her over the heat vent so we can hurry back outside for the exciting conclusion of her two part act.

Unfortunately there's no speeding it up to the point where you don't have an opportunity to think, and the thoughts you think when heating your dog's nether regions are never very charitable. A person can't help but think unforgiving thoughts about where their life has taken them. It's bad enough I don't have a personal genital warmer, but how did I wind up being the personal genital warmer for a dog? I admit, it makes a person feel pretty pathetic. It makes a person feel like the biggest loser on the planet.

But that changed today. A stranger changed my life last night, and helped me to see my life through fresh eyes.

Somebody stole my garbage bag. Took the garbage out, and stole the bag. Yes really. Yes really times a million, because I know that's how many times the word "Really?" is going to go through your head. Somebody really did unwrap a complete stranger's garbage just to steal the bag it was packed in.

Yes, the needs of a dog's ass come before my own needs. Yes, that's pretty pathetic.

But I don't steal used garbage bags.

Thank you, stranger, for being more pathetic than a woman who is subservient to a canine's rectum. It is because you exist that I can never be the biggest loser on the planet.

71 comments:

Lo said...

I love your logic and big heart and send you huge quantities of empathy and praise.......this from an animal nut who used to have a partially paralyzed kitty and who used to carry her downstairs and dig a hole in the dirt and hold her over it to do her business. (this was many years before Kitty Litter made wimps of us critter lovers.

Erika said...

Oh the things we do for our pups. And my god, do I know the whole, "Dude, I know it's cold but the fast you take a crap the faster we can go in" routine.

Oh yeah, and, REALLY????

Brian Miller said...

someone has to be pretty hard up to be stealing used garbage bags...heating a dog so they can pee...that is a new one on me...

tattytiara said...

That was my first thought, Brian, until I noticed that they'd ditched a broken coffee maker on the pile that cost more than all the appliances in my kitchen combined.

Eva Gallant said...

How weird is that? both heating the dogs genitals and the garbage bag stealing! lol

Myrna R. said...

I love my dog enough to do tons of crazy things. But, I know I couldn't tell the story as humorously and well as you do.

Nicole said...

*stealing a garbage bag and warming a dogs behind*.... well, for once I am glad I live in Kuwait.
Garbage bags on the streets aplenty and no chance in hell that it will freeze here (at least not so bad that I will have to defrost you know what)
;-)

Rita said...

Maybe the expensive coffee maker was a gift from a rich relative. God only knows why a person would steal a used trash bag, but they must have believed they needed it worse than you did--obviously kicking you up many notches, despite the furry genital warming.

Loved the picture of your sweet diapered furbaby. ;)

Deborah said...

I haven't laughed that much for ages, this is just so SOOO funny, and as for the picture, the little darling, I just LOVED LOVED LOVED this :o)

mythopolis said...

Well, not only are you wonderfully witty, expressive, and humorous, you are also a person with a very kind and humane spirit. Yes, your cute little doggy looks like a crustacean. A shrimp, in fact!

Diana said...

Well I have to jump through hoops for my two little dogs too. I don't know what it is but they seem to require much more attention than a big dog. I would do the same as you given the circumstance! Love Di ♥

haphazardlife said...

Words fail me, they simply fail me.

- Jazz

Kev D. said...

I've stolen garbage bags... but never USED ones. That's just rude.

Furry Bottoms said...

Well, I can say that's the first time I've ever heard of dogs not being able to pee because it was so cold. That poor little terrier!!!

You're an awesome human for making it easier on the little one who captures your heart.

And you're right.... really??? About the garbage bag.

Cathryn said...

What we do for our furry kids, eh? Does that make you pathetic? In no shape or way...And the stranger stealing your garbage bag--that's a new one on me...and that's pathetic.

But as always you made me nearly bathe my monitor with coffee. I'm really going to have to learn not to take a gulp or two while reading your blog. In fact, I should know that by now. :)

Audubon Ron said...

Well, huh.

Just telling it like it is said...

Maybe the garbage bag thief knows your famous and is going to sell it on e-bay...or maybe he has a garbage bag fetish and can't control himself with hearing voices in his head must steal garbage bag without contents....That dog is so cute by the way

nitebyrd said...

Loser? Absolutely not! You're loving doggy mama and I'm pretty sure you get browine points for that.

The trash-dumping-garbage-bag-stealing hot mess is most definitely a loser.

Gaelyn said...

LOL! I can So imagine all this. We are slaves to our pets. Maybe you should grow grass in a box in the garage where it's not quite so cold for poor 20 lb. terriers.

Really? Really? really?......

TheFrogBag said...

See, this is why I love your blog. And no, I don't just mean the part where I'm feeling pretty good about living in Southern California right now. Best post ever. Well, until your next one!

Kate said...

Glad you've registered your title. I wanted to steal it, but CAN'T now...thanks a lot!
The wiener dog has a hard 'time' in all this snow. These little pups are not made for the snow and it's hard to pee or defecate when your knee's are a-knockin'.
Hope your toilet-y area is warm!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Maybe the theif was going to make a sweater for his 20lb pup and didn't have the money for wool. I dunno.

Kurt said...

Used garbage bags rock!

Deidre said...

REALLY? someone stole your garbage bag? Maybe they really needed it?

Nari said...

I would be happy to refer you to a great genital heater in your area but I must warn you, he has a strong aversion to full garbage bags AND bagged garbage.

Nicole said...

The things we do to save our floors and our pets. :)

Linda Medrano said...

I have two big tough dogs now. But then we live in California, so how bad could it be. I used to have a tiny cocker who I would have to hold the umbrella over when she went out to do her business. She would have rather had astroturf in the house, but that was not in my design plans. Maybe those puppy pads would work for your baby in the winter. Because, kiddo, it's cold out there!

Saimi said...

It's true, we do what we have to for our dear four legged friends. When my Boxer got up there in her years, I used to carry her into the yard so she could potty, I would carry her to her bed, I would hand feed her.

a Boxer is NOT a light weight dog by any means but she loved her family and it was the least I could do for her....One day she just never woke up. She was 12.

David Allen Waters said...

the things we do for our furry children....wonderful heart u have.

nick said...

Poor little dog. Sounds like she'd be happier in a warmer country. Put her on the first plane for Oz!

Stealing garbage bags? Whatever next? They'll be nicking your potato peelings next....

BLOGitse said...

Heating a dog....oh well, I don't have a dog...
But as Mytho writes, she looks like a shrimp! :) A cute shrimp! :)

Kim Nelson said...

Poor Baby!
Makes me so glad I am not a small terrier living in the cold of Canada! Love your humor and charm!

secret agent woman said...

I hope whoever took it had a life-threatening emergency that could only be averted by immediately obtaining a garbage bag.

But hank you for reminding me why I don't have pets!

Rob K said...

"...hotter than a blue star sipping a Tabasco sauce smoothie." Brilliant! And what a jackwagon to steal a garbage bag...put it over your head, pal, and hold it there until you stop breathing.

Donna @ The House on the Corner said...

I love you. I can read your posts over and over again and laugh every. single. time. So sad for the garbage bag stealer....makes me want to mail you a box of garbage bags to leave outside for them.....and I am a seriously pathetic furbaby addict ~ the thought of what you do for your furbaby bumps you up around sainthood in my eyes.

Deanna said...

Really?

Your dog is so lucky to have you... our 10 lb. chihuahua is forced to go out and complete the job. End of story.

Karen said...

I don't which is stranger - stealing the bag or warming your dog for potty time. Both are new to me.

A very cute pup, by the way.

Ricky Shambles said...

I guess you're lucky they didn't come after your used toilet paper. Great post!

Ashley said...

Wooow....
That's all I can say.
Warming your dog's genitals. Crazy! And someone stole your used garbage bag? Maybe it was someone that was homeless that needed a windbreaker?

Land of shimp said...

So I'm going to channel Bob Barker and ask...why isn't she spayed? Are you planning on breeding her?

Yup, the low point in life is generally when you have to have to stand around, freezing your butt off, as you wait for your dog to eliminate. This is the life of all dog owners in winter, admittedly. Although with a yard you can usually peer out and see your dog looking back at you with an accusing look.

I'm watching Dead Like Me, right now. It's a series about Grim Reapers and in it, one of the reapers steals a garbage to wear as slicker when having to reap the soul of a person about to be mauled by a bear.

So perhaps a reaper, confronted with an accidental death of a messy nature made off with your hefty bag.

Yup :-)

tattytiara said...

If this dog isn't spayed there's a vet out there that owes me a lot of money and her a big apology.

Ocean Girl said...

Dear Tattytiara (I like to say out the name).

I wonder what was the story behind it. He or she must have had a desperate reason.

Vicki Lane said...

Oh dear god, this is hilarious! The things we do in service of our pets!

David said...

*speechless*

*heh*

BamaTrav said...

Interesting words you have. I will have to dig deeper.

Buckeroomama said...

Oh my goodness, you totally cracked me up with that image of you holding Allison over the heating vent waiting for her nether regions to thaw...!! Sorry. But it's the way to tell it. Glad you have a sense of humor about things like that. :)

Sandra said...

You and the doggy rectum can do without the used garbage bag. Clearly there was a needy soul out there....but really?...

Chatty Crone said...

First of all thanks for leaving a commnet on my blog.

Now this was so darn funny - sorry it's true for the pup and the garbage bag.

The garbage bag - gee that is really sad.

But the poor dog I can just imagine how cold it must be on his 'little' parts.

We have a tiny dog that barely tolerates Georgia.

You have A BIG HEART!

Nice meeting you.

sandie

Love,
sandie

Jean Knee said...

awwww, you really love your little doggie

what's up with no pooping when it's cold? our dalmatian does that and only farts instead

Rick said...

She is adorable! I want a puppy!

frigginloon said...

I have a friend who has a very old dog and guess what she did. Bought a roll of synthetic grass (with rubber backing), cut a piece adequate for her dog to squat on and place it in the laundry. Dog poops on it she can easily pick it up, dog pees on it she just takes it outside and hoses if off. Brilliant I say, brilliant.

Mrs.Mayhem said...

Love the image of you heating your dog's rear end over the heater vent. What a riot!

Duncanr said...

I do something similar to your friend with the fake grass, loon.

I keep a towel at the kitchen door to wipe the dogs paws when they come back from their walks. I leave it lying on the floor. The pups (clever dogs) if they can't hold out till I get back from work poop on the towel which then goes straight in the bin so no messy floor. And a quick squirt with the air freshener, no smell either :-)

Duncanr said...

I have 3 jack Russell terriers - 2 of them puppies. We had a bit of snow a few weeks ago but fortunately it doesn't fall very often where I live. I'll remember your tip about heating their 'bits' though the next time it does !!!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

I could not love this story more. You rock for heating up your little dog, and if I could cast the stinkeye on the trash bag thief, I would. In fact, consider it done!

Nicky said...

Great. Now I feel like I should give you back your garbage bag. :-)

Rachel said...

I am thoroughly confused by the whole garbage bag stealing thing (though I once had a neighbor get totally busted stuffing his diaper filled bag into my can and JUMPING on it to make it fit at 11pm - while his wife tried desperately to clue him in to the fact that I was standing 10 feet away staring at him. I blogged it of course :)

I think there is a special place in heaven for you as an animal lover!


And BLESS YOU for saying our son looks like me. He looked so much like daddy as a newborn that I nearly demanded a maternity test...

ladyfi said...

OH good heavens! First the garbage bag thief .. and then that poor little mite wearing doggie diapers!

Makes me glad my dog is a Viking who loves Arctic weather!

nursemyra said...

the only reason someone would steal a used garbage bag is because they needed it to wrap around the body of the person they just murdered.

If you wrote your name on your garbage bag, expect a call from forensics soon and polish up your alibi

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my....your pup is lucky to have you.
We have had our garbage stolen as well....lets just take that as a compliment. Ok?

Captain Dumbass said...

Thank you for reinforcing my decision to buy fish instead of a dog.

injaynesworld said...

Maybe they wanted it so they could crawl inside, hold it shut and suffocate themselves because their little doggie at home wouldn't crap outside and they were fed up with warming its genitals.

Just a guess...

And for the record, I would absolutely do the same thing for my 5-pound Chihuahua, Dixie.

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

I usually laugh when I read the AAA1 Quality Blog, but this one is special. I fear that my dog may need this service, but I just can't. I'm half the woman you are!

blueviolet said...

That is just scary and creepy!

Kernut the Blond said...

OMG! This is the funniest post I've read in a long time! I had no idea all my friends with itty bitty dogs had to warm their itty bitty behinds before...

But to steal a garbage bag? A USED garbage bag? Maybe you can teach Allison to "go" into the garbage bags just before you take them out. Might solve a couple problems with one, err uh, stone, sot to speak.

Ginger said...

He does look like a shrimp :). I am sorry Tattytiara, but this post has got me laughing my heart out esp the 'how did I wind up being the personal genital warmer for a dog'

sheila said...

OH my gosh! THat's just doggone funny. *blahhhhaaaa ha!*

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

That is one lucky dog--though she may think you are the lucky one to have such hysterical blogging material.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Stealing a used garbage bag definitely trumps siphoning gas out of my car as someone did one night. Sort of. At least in the Pathetic Derby.

I had a gray wolf of very small bladder. We went out many times a night, but I was the one wearing a sweater while she was the one who peed.

Kristen Andrews said...

so cute!

Mike said...

Almost as cute as my dog. Almost!

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