Friday, September 17, 2010

Wow. Here I am writing this title. Who saw that coming?

Sooner or later everybody becomes something they never thought they'd be. A spouse with a mortgage and a kid. A clone of their own parent. A country music fan. Life can be terrifyingly unpredictable that way.

And so I find myself today, looking at a woman I never thought I'd become. Sleeves rolled up, sodden mass dangling from my fingertips, shivering my way across the yard with a flashlight at midnight to make a special trip directly to the burning barrel. I might not recognize myself, but there's no question that's me. I can tell from the whining.

I have become the owner of a dog that wears diapers.

It was never intended to be a regular thing. It was just a preventative/precautionary thing. At first it worked, too. Really well! As soon as I put pants on her bony little ass my ancient little dog stopped peeing inside the house!

For two whole days!

And then I guess she had a couldn't-hold-it-moment, and in that moment discovered that most miraculous property of modern dog diaper technology. That it makes pee magically disappear. It's like having your own personal urine fairy!

Once that little dog figured out how comfortable and easy it was to simply let loose in her conveniently attached pee-ceptacle there was no stopping her. Why squat in the wind and cold and damp if nobody could see when you were doing it inside and chase you out there anymore? They're little doggy stealth pants is what they are - hiding the crime, encouraging the behavior and perpetuating the need. I was totally suckered in, and by the time I figured out what was happening had already become a defenseless pawn of the absorbant canine garment industry.

When I started buying more than a pack a week is when I realized that I needed a more afforable, environmentally friendly solution, and bought the cloth diapers. They're not actually diapers per say as much as they are fashion pants with a tail hole that facilitate the sticking of a little absorbent pad into the crotch.

That's right. My ancient little twenty pound dog wears panties and a maxi-pad.

Like I say, it was never supposed to get this far. She can hold it - when she's in her little bed at night she pees not a drop, and if I physically pick her up and carry her outside in the morning she waits very comfortably until she gets outside. As soon as her little paws hit a horizontal surface, though, she gets her squat on.

Doesn't know to hold it anymore, maybe. Too old to care enough to hold it, probably. Never did like peeing outside, and finally just banked enough old lady attitude to call my bluff on the whole "you have to" position I took is my theory.

And called my bluff very effectively, too. I stepped over the line before I even realized that I might need to draw one the moment I brought that first pack home. Once you've done that the grey area becomes too morally torturous to contemplate. It's no longer a simple case of the poor old dear can't control her functions, it's probably time for her to be put down. You've already committed to basically controlling them for her. What's the cut off now?

"Sorry Allison. You went through eleven diapers last week and that was fine, but twelve? For twelve you die."

Sigh.

The things we do for love, eh? The smelly, ridiculous, expensive things we do for love.

Don't worry, though. I might put special, expensive clothes on my dog specifically for her to urinate on, but it's not like I have any country stations pre-programmed on my car radio or anything.

(Yes, country fans, consider my ass presented for it's whoopin'. I know I've got it coming.)

36 comments:

injaynesworld said...

Aw, that's so sad and yet sweet. I went through much the same thing with my older dog a couple of years back. And on top of not being able to control herself anymore, she was paralyzed in both back legs which required the use of a little cart and it was awful. I think I waited too long to put her down. I know I did, but what can you do? You just love them so much.

You're a good mommy.

natalee said...

LOL!!! That made me laug so hard I almost peed myself.. aww i love the maxi pad idea.. Im gonna try it with bad baby at night ...Oh ...Since I married my Hubby I now have country music stations on my radio.. This big haired fist pumpin Jersey girl is embarrasses..lol!!!

Brian Miller said...

guess i better change the stations i got set...(spit)

Just Brande said...

After reading this I consider myself "lucky" that my attempt with those things didn't work. It was suggested that I try it as a "training device" for a younger dog who COULD control her bladder but just not to sometimes. Whew! Badness missed!!

Nessa said...

Dogs are very good at training us.

Eva Gallant said...

I sympathize with your dog. I'm getting too old to hold it anymore myself!

Molly said...

Who knew that a tale of doggy diapers could bring tears to my eyes?! This was hilarious!

You won't believe word verification---cadess---change a few strategic letters and it's custom made for this post! Do you think they're back there snickering?

Aging Mommy said...

I would say I sympathize but having just completed three and a half years of diapers here and still being chief bottom wiper I just will say that I don't :-)

Great post.

Pam said...

Thank you for this. Now, I don't feel so bad about the things I do for my 20 year old cat.

thesunnyabyss said...

uh, photos please!!

secret agent woman said...

God gracious. I can say with some certainty there's no pet I care about that much. So lucky for her she is yours instead of mine!

Just Plain Tired said...

I've got to give you props. I'm not sure I'd have gone to those lengths before the thought of putting her down hit.

scandata said...

My Mom dealt with that for about two or three years with her last dog (a Cairn Terrier). She actually made pants in different colors and patterns. Just for fun, she added frills around the tail and leg holes for a Daisy Duke look. With a maxi-pad strategically placed in each, she had a wardrobe of home-made doggie-diapers. It's that, or teach the dog to only go on puppy training pads (it worked for my cat!).

Heather said...

Oh no. Have a talk with her about that twelfth diaper.

I can't believe this isn't what you put down in your high school yearbook as your future!


Thanks for stopping by.

What's wrong with country?

BLOGitse said...

LOL! I'm really happy not having a dog! I save a lot of money :)

....Petty Witter said...

Who would have thought you could get such things but talk about mixed blessings - how clever of your little doggie to cotton on so quickly. I had to laugh imagining the advert to promote what basically sounds like Tenna pants for pooches.

Deanna said...

Your poor baby. Don't you know things are cheaper by the dozen? She's saving you money! It seems your doggie and I have something in common and it isn't fun!

You really need need to give country a try - but not the rock country of today - the real country of 30 years ago.

MAB Jewelry said...

I think our creatures train us more than we train them. Much of my day revolves around when the cat thinks we should do what. As he's gotten older, that's gotten more and more true. Good thing I love the little guy, or "ice water time" would not be quite so charming at seven o'clock every single night.

Stickup Artist said...

The things we do for love. I'm sure I'd do the same if it came to it. Pets are a big responsibility. Very funny yet endearing post.

-K said...

Could be worse, could be your ten cats that need depends.

Joann Mannix said...

I kind of feel your pain. My big girl labradoodle had 4 years worth of heats, because don't hate me, we bred her, once, and we kept two of the pups and gave away the other 3 to people we love.

But it was 4 years of diapers and mini pads which she would rip out and shred all over the house.

You are a good mama to let your girl whiz away like that. You are making her senior years the very best.

...louciao... said...

Depends for dogs--who knew!? Certainly not us, when our pooch had an incontinence problem. She'd wake in the mornings dog-paddling in her own pee. We learned of cranberry supplements as a means of combatting the affliction and they miraculously worked. However, when our year's supply ran out and we substituted them with another variety, the efficacy had worn off, as had our patience...as well as the dog's comfort. So the terrible deed had to be done.

I don't know if you ever listen to CBC Radio 2 in the afternoon, lots of Canadian indie tunes, but it's getting harder and harder to figure out if I've mistakenly tuned into one of the ubiquitous C&W stations. I think the new trend is called Alt-Country. Still sounds like twang to me.

Curiosity said...

Well...If you ever do get hardcore into country, "My dog wears fashion pants" will probably earn you some leeway in preventing the usual stereotypes.

frigginloon said...

Maybe you could just try duct taping a poop bag to its butt instead, save some money. I have an Irish cat,it does poop then buries itself. Maybe we could swap? All you'll need is a little patience and a shovel.

Veronica Lee said...

LOL!!
As an incontinent 48 year-old, I sympathize with your dog! Would love to look at a photo of your pooch in diapers!!!

Buckeroomama said...

Oh my, your dog in maxi pads!!! The idea of it is too hilarious!

Jilda said...

Years ago, we had a an ancient German Shepard, who weighed 120 pounds, I had to pick him up and take him outside, wish someone had told me about using diapers on him. Not so sure at that time, disposables were an option.

Shrinky said...

OMG, I am pointing my big sis' in here, to read this! Sscha, her decrepit, sweet if smelly, old black lab is now hoplessly incontinent, she can't hold it in to save her life now. You are so funny, this had me laughing, but I am also grateful you are so devoted to your baby, too. Just off to whizz off an email to big sis'.. (grin)

Myrna R. said...

I can totally relate to making our pets as comfortable as possible, especially if it prolongs their lives. I loved how you captured tenderness within this hilarious post.

Thanks for visiting my blog. I' must follow yours. I enjoyed the few entries I had time to read. So entertaining. Thanks for blogging.

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

I'm speechless on this one. This is something I think I will never do. I am frightened to read that a friend has fallen.

linlah said...

I'd like my male dog to learn to finish peeing BEFORE he puts his leg down.

Cocotte said...

Another post that just convinces me to never own a pet!

I'm with you on the country music though!

mythopolis said...

I need to remind myself to put a diaper on before reading your blogs. I don't have that many changes of underpants. Is it ok to just hang the diaper out to dry, then re-use it?

Slamdunk said...

Funny. Ahh, I am glad you reached this compromise. Nice for you all to make the sacrifices.

The Blue Zoo said...

Oh, I love it! LOL My poor dog is a huge fat chocolate lab. She HAS to haul her ass outside, I dont think they make a diaper big enough for her. And if they do, I dont wanna know!!

Super Happy Girl said...

"pee-ceptacle"

BWAHAHAHAHA!!

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