Thursday, September 23, 2010

I got this title for 50% off, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. It's just missing a

Attention Shoppers: Please stop putting coins in the Happy School Bus mechanical ride. The kid in there has ridden it 26 times in a row and is starting to look a bit green.

Attention Shoppers: We understand and appreciate that it's very hot today. Management requests, however, that you refrain from handling our frozen food items in an unsanitary manner.

Attention Shoppers: In order to bring you the everyday low prices that you appreciate, we are unable to pay our cashiers enough to put up with your crap. Smile, say thank you, and save your speech about the evils of inflation for your next address of congress.

Attention Shoppers: It has come to our attention that if your kids scream loud enough long enough that you will buy anything, and we will continue to strive to make this establishment as family friendly as humanly possible.

Attention Shoppers: We again apologize for any inconvenience caused by the line break in our sprinkler system over the soap aisle, and again request that all customers remain fully clothed.

Attention Shoppers: Please enjoy our recycled air, unrelenting noise, and affordably priced convenience foods. We invite you to visit our pharmacy before you finish your shopping trip today.

Attention Shoppers: If you are purchasing items for your kids that do not feature any licensed cartoon characters, please take a moment and stop by our courtesy desk to fill out a survey on socially maladjusted children for a chance to win valuable coupons.

Attention Shoppers: Will the customer who made the bulk foods manager cry please report to customer service immediately and apologize. Bring a broom.

Attention Shoppers: You don't need half that crap in your cart. Either put it back or stop whining about how broke you are.

Attention Shoppers: Consumables that are not sold by weight may be enjoyed while you shop provided that the packaging is presented to the cashier for purchase before leaving the store. We remind our customers, however, that this policy does not extend to personal hygiene products.

Attention Shoppers: First parent who figures out where the hell their toddler wandered off to wins a donut.

Attention Shoppers: The store is now closing. Or perhaps we should say the store is still closing. The store has been closing ever since we told you that the store was now closing fifteen minutes ago. But there you are! Still shopping. How can we make this whole store closing concept clear enough for you to fully grasp, shoppers?

Attention Shoppers: It's a beautiful day. Go play outside.

45 comments:

e said...

Cute! The 15 minute warning doesn't work in the libraries either!

Just telling it like it is said...

I hate when the store puts such strong rules for it's shoppers...I can't be rushed

Kate said...

Very clever post. I enjoyed reading it! Thanks

Fragrant Liar said...

Holy crap, I saw myself in this one:

"You don't need half that crap in your cart. Either put it back or stop whining about how broke you are."

natalee said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Loved this... anyone whoever worked in a store truly appreciates this!!!!!!

...louciao... said...

Do you have a store where the cashiers invariably ask, "Did you find everything you were looking for?"
I'm always tempted to respond, "Well, yes, I did find more than enough extraneous consumer goods but I was really looking for the meaning of life. What aisle would that be in?"

You got a great deal on that title, by the way!

haphazardlife said...

Oh thank you thank you thank you. I needed that laugh. - Jazz

Just Plain Tired said...

A post like this put a smile on my face. Can you tell I work in retail?

Eva Gallant said...

That was brilliant! I absolutely loved it and laughed all the way through!

ScoMan said...

The one about the bulk food manager made me spit orange everywhere. Now I need to clean it up.

Julianna Cannon said...

Attention Shoppers: We are currently running a Blue Light Special in the electronics department where you may be photographed and ultimately end up on the Walmart Site. We apologize for any stardom this may cause and would like to sincerely thank you for showing up tonight wearing a pink leopard leotard and sporting a mullet.
Please visit the pharmacy for a free lifetime supply of condoms: extra thick and double layered.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

Attention Shoppers: You don't need half that crap in your cart. Either put it back or stop whining about how broke you are.

HILARIOUS!!

Great post.

Cinner said...

I loved reading this and you know you are very smart and very funny. and yes what will it take....lmao...25 years of retail has just come rushing back to me. loved, loved this post.
glad you are well. hugs.

Shrinky said...

I adore your wit, thanks for making me laugh - " We remind our customers, however, that this policy does not extend to personal hygiene products."

Priceless!

mythopolis said...

Attention Shoppers: Giant liquidation sale! We are closing our doors forever! All inventory must go! Cashiers, aisle clerks, customer service representatives, janitorial staff all marked down half-price! Limit; Two per customer limit, please!

....Petty Witter said...

Loving it, especially the comment about hot weather and the handling of frozen goods. We actually saw this happen but the woman in question did not use said bag of frozen peas to cool her brow but shoved it up her skirt - amazing the places people need to cool - before quickly replacing the bag back in the freezer.

Does anyone else feel a strong urge to knock over those displays of tin cans that always seem to litter shops? I'd love to take a run with my trolley and see how many I could knock down.

Buckeroomama said...

I always enjoy your quirky posts! :)

Nancy@el vigilante said...

I hate to admit that I have lost a toddler or two in the canned vegetable aisle. I found one, the other one must still be roaming aimlessly. He'd be 26 now. Please call me if you see him.

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

I would buy a bargain title like that any day.

Also, the character shirts are directly related to the amount of friend a child has. Choose carefully!

nitebyrd said...

Sounds like someone has been in WalMart WAY too long! LOL

Cocotte said...

Attention Senior Shoppers: Quit running your cart into the person in front of you in the check-out. Ever heard of personal space?

BLOGitse said...

LOL! Great story!
We do have enough. Shopping is so boring...

@cocotte
You should experience Morocco. Young or old they don't give you personal space here! (I guess they don't even know what it means!)

Nessa said...

These were very funny although the one about the frozen foods being mishandled makes me kind of icky.

Molly said...

Hey girl. It's been a long time. I can't forget about you though because I have Cynthia's dream in my office and I just can't stop loving it.

I did forget your name though. Don't feel bad please, I am forgetting everything. My children are very concerned. I think they are afraid they'll have to take care of me sooner than they had planned on.

Please send me a message at sansimeongirl (at) yahoo (you know the rest) and refresh my memory? I posted a pic of your painting on facebook and i want to give you proper credit.

I still think you rock. Friend me on FB if you are there.

Molly Rosen

secret agent woman said...

Those are funny. Whenever I see someone snacking in a grocery store, I always want to ask if they are planning to pay for it or just steal it.

Megan said...

I was planning on going to the grocery store today. Now I'm rethinking it...

Deanna said...

Hubby made a store manager cry once when he dropped a 5 gallon of orange paint. Real tears.

So when the 15 minute warning is announced, we're supposed to leave? Amazing.

Yu definitely made me laugh. Thanks.

StarTraci said...

As always, you make me laugh.So much, I might need a broom!!!

:-)
Traci

nick said...

Attention Shoppers: Do not take the bottom tin in the pile for the sheer hell of it and then laugh like a drain as the whole pile crashes to the floor and the contents flow freely along the aisle. If spotted, you will be chained to that lampost that's very popular with the canine population.

Melissa B. said...

Attention, shoppers...this is a VERY funny post. Thanks for the chuckle!

choochoo said...

ROFL! If only they had speakers in our local supermarket. That's be fun.

Debbie said...

I bet oh so many salespeople wish we would all just go outside!

linlah said...

I shop in a store where one of the clerks will actually make those kinds of announcements, I adore him.

The Blue Zoo said...

I love the one about how the store is STILL closing! I used to work at Mervyn's and people would always come in 5 mins before we had to close, SO annoying!!

Sarah at The Stroller Ballet said...

Great post! Whenever that "store closing" announcement comes on, it always stresses me out! LOL! Wish they would just lay off!

HalfAsstic.com said...

.... I'm still worried about the bulk foods manager... Is she ok? Cause I can open up a whole can of whoop-ass on someone!

Unknown Mami said...

I just hope the announcement are clear over the loudspeaker.

Rosidah Abidin said...

LOL You really hit the nail on top with these announcements. I hope some of the shoppers will finally listen. Have a wonderful week :)

carma said...

will the customer with 35 items in the 20 or less aisle listen to your husband who says it is not proper to do that - oh wait, that's me :D

Mrsbear said...

That was fantastic.

I always try to be nice to the cashiers, they have to put up with a world of shit.

And I haven't lost a toddler yet. Where's my donut.

injaynesworld said...

Clever, clever, clever girl. Loved it. Oh, wait... I need to take back one of those "clevers." I'm running low these days. Clearly, my muse could learn a thing or two from yours.

Just telling it like it is said...

Hey tara your not going to want to miss my new posting...it's gross I have to admit but it mike make you laugh! Amie

Nezzy said...

Geek Son used to hid in those circular clothes racks and not answer when he was little....it would drive me nuts!!!

I just wanted to drop in and see how your doin'.

Ya'll have the most wonderfully blessed and beautiful 'fall' day now, ya hear!!!

Waterrose said...

oh that is a hoot! thanks for visiting me!

nick said...

Hey, Ms Tattytiara, have you decided to wave the wacky world of blogging goodbye??

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