Monday, September 20, 2010

Make sure you rinse this title off really well before reading it.

Fruit should not pose a threat to mature, committed relationships. Once you've found someone who fills your heart with joy and makes every day worth living no plant matter on earth should be able to stand in the way of your happiness.

But c'mon. The avocado was obviously invented just to test me.

The man doesn't just like the decrepid things, he's downright evangelical about them. Avocado is his answer for everything.

"I'm tired."

"Eat an avacado, they have B vitamins!"

"I have a leg cramp."

"Eat an avacado, they have potassium!"

"I'm going to throw something at you."

"Eat an avacado, they have large pits!"

Maybe it's the lithium content, I don't know. Nothing can taste that good.

No, of course I haven't tried to eat one! I know everything I need to know about avocados just from watching him eat them. He calls them "nature's perfect food". I call them "god's earliest experiment in the art of baby *poo manufacture." The other day a glob of avocado gut slid off his spoon and splatted on the floor. The wet smacking noise and soft spread of the gushy green goo was completely consistent with my theory.

The persecution rests.

It would be one thing if it were simply a matter of conflicting tastes, but it's become something bigger than that. It's become a source of endless amusement to him. At my expense.

He could just eat the things when I'm not around, you know.

He could refrain from pronouncing the word avocado with the same inflection that a seven year old uses to pronounce the word snot.

"Avocaaaaaaaaaaaaaadooooooo."

He's not about to do either of these things, though. I know this from the sadistic glint of glee that fills his eyes when he sees me turning the same shade of horror green as the evil filling his spoon.

I should just not allow them in the house. I should just make him eat them outside.

He genuinely does believe they're magic, cure-all balls of fabulousness that can help restore the most pulverized of immune systems, though. And he does have a horrible, horrible, horrible cold at the moment.

Okay fine. But I'm not buying them again. And he better not sneeze on me with a mouth full of that sin. Besides, it could be worse. He's taken to expressing a keen interest in trying durian which, according to Wikipedia, has a "strong and penetrating" odor that has been "described variously as almonds, rotten onions, turpentine and gym socks".

I think I might start keeping a suitcase packed on grocery day.

*Yes, I am aware that the latest few posts in this blog have included higher than normal levels of excretory references. I have no explanation for this. For the record, though, even if I did have an explanation you would not find it posted here. Why spoil the magic, am I right?

42 comments:

Brian Miller said...

haha. there is magic in excrement...i do like some guacamole though...the durian though may be pushing the line...

Charlene said...

Eat a banana and do it in front of your lover; guaranteed mood lifter!

Buckeroomama said...

Trust me, you will LOVE avocado if given a choice between that or a durian!

Cocotte said...

It's only been recently that I realized a lot of people don't like avocados! We love them here!

Myrna R. said...

I don't know, I never quite thought about avocados that much. But I do like them. And I'm from Puerto Rico. There they are huge. Everyone eats them. I knew a man who ate several at one meal.

I guess you wouldn't like Puerto Rico.

Julianna Cannon said...

I was once among your ranks, the tribe of I WILL NOT PUT THAT DISGUSTING BABY POO NASTINESS IN MY MOUTH.

But sistafriend, trust. Try an avocado SLICE with a touch of salt.

Wear a blindfold if you have to.

You can thank me later.

Just Plain Tired said...

Yanno, I've got to side with you on this one. I can't imagine eating one just based on its looks alone.

Eva Gallant said...

I want nothing to do with avocados either!

Jason, as himself said...

Am I him? Are we in a relationship and I didn't realize it?

I LOVE avocados. They're quite possibly nature's most perfect food.

Megan said...

You know, I absolutely can't stand to handle them? But as long as there is something to put them on or in, I'm all for them!

ScoMan said...

Avocado's are horrible. And not only that it's a stupid word. It's a stupid name for a fruit or anything else.

And no, I've never tried one either.

haphazardlife said...

Mmmm avocados, balsamic vinegar...

And I had Durian in Vietnam. They don't call it stinkfruit for nuttin'. Luckily it doesn't taste like it smells. Stay with the avocado.

....Petty Witter said...

Never having ate an advocado I couldn't possibly comment ...... except to say I loved this very witty post.

mythopolis said...

I gotta side with your guy on this one. I love to slice an avocado in half, remove the pit and then eat each half with a spoon like it was ice cream! Just reading this post made my mouth water, and now I really must have an avocado right now!!!!
I do agree with Charlene though, I love to watch a girl eating a banana!

...louciao... said...

But what about guacamole? Okay, it really does look like baby poo in that form, but it's great with corn chips. The guacamole, not the poo.

Deanna said...

It's a man thing. Mine eats his with Green Goddess dressing. You are too funny.

frigginloon said...

Not the friggin Durrrrrrriiiiiaaaaaan!!!!!!!! For the love of god dump him before he brings that Satan fruit of hell within 1,000 miles of your nostril. I once stayed in what WAS once a 5 star hotel in Borneo but thanks to some bastard who ate a durian in one of the rooms the hotel had to be closed for over a month because the stench got into the air con ducts and stunk the place out.

nitebyrd said...

I like avocados so I can't say much other than I agree with you about them being the consistancy of baby poo when deliciously ripe.

pserean said...

i LOVE avos. i do.
if you have a sweet tooth, blitz an avo, and add lashings of sweetened condensed milk and nestle cream.
*happy sigh*

trust me on this. its lovely.

(or spread cottage cheese on some brown bread ,then top it with mashed avo, and lots of lemon juice, salt and black pepper.
and if you want it a wee bit more interesting...cilantro/dhania/coriander and grilled cherry tomatoes make it perfect.)

bugger. i think domesticity snuck up on me when i wasn't looking...

*flee*

Shrinky said...

Ya' know, had you taken an avacado before penning this, this post may have turned out all warm and fluffy - avacado's are renowned for soothing the raging beast within..

(running out, ducking a flying shoe missile as I go!)

ModernMom said...

LOL My Dad feels this way about Noxema. He is pretty sure it will fix everything:)

carma said...

I've heard all these same happy things about avocados, eat I won't touch 'em unless they are pulverized as guacamole.

I do admire his enthusiasm!!!

injaynesworld said...

Clearly, no one has ever made you a great guacamole. On a hot day with a cold Corona -- heaven.

Miley (woman:confused) said...

Thanks for stopping by!
I love avocado but can completely understand the "ick" factor for some people!

Molly said...

Avocados are one of the few foods my stomach protests at. I make guacamole quite frequently, because the menfolk around here love the stuff, but then I wonder why I'm feeling weird....The penny dropped at last. No more guacamole....though it is fun to grow a plant from the seed!
And it is amazing that such an hilarious post could be written on the subject!

secret agent woman said...

Sorry, going to have to side with your guy here. Avocaaaaaaaaaaaaaadooooooo. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

(I've discovered that mashing avocado with tuna makes for a really good, and healthier, sandwich.

Veronica Lee said...

I'm not a big fan of avocados either but they can't be any worse that papayas! Those I hate!!

The Blogging Goddess said...

Thanks for stopping by! I admit...I love avocado's, as do my kids, but I won't buy them. I never know when they are good or bad, and there is nothing worse than cutting into a bad one. I also have an issue with how to cut around that large pit. You hate me now, don't you and we just met.

Intense Guy said...

Anything that is "good for you" has to be bad tasting...

:)

Waterrose said...

Avocados they seem to have no taste to them, but make great guacamole and help a dry sandwich become tolerable. Thanks for visiting my blog...so glad you did, since your posts certainly make me chuckle!

Heather said...

You are cracking me up.
I don't like avocados either, but I think I will go eat one for this terrible cold. I have tried everything else.

Thanks for stopping by yesterday and reccomending the post. It was funny. I appreciate it.

-K said...

I just know that avacados make babe say "nom nom nom".

steff said...

i have to say that i almost EXCLUSIVELY blog about excrement. i can't say for sure if it provides enjoyment for my audience but i sure as hell get a kick out of it!
i know what you're saying about the look and consistency of avacodos but they taste SO DAMN GOOD.
guacamole?
come on...
just remind your husband that although they may have many curative properties (do they?) they will really make you pack on the pounds if you eat too many.

Stickup Artist said...

Be grateful he hasn't yet discovered avocado ice cream and avocado smoothies! :-D

Claudia said...

love this - had a good laugh - but have to admit - i like avocado a lot - and yeah - they're a cure for almost everything…smiles

Mighty M said...

You can learn to love it - I did!!! :)

Nessa said...

There's lithium in avocado? I'm getting me a dozen.

Marywin said...

love me a good avocado! Flew over from SITS!

Rosidah Abidin said...

LOL. You are so right on the looks of Avocado. Still, I do like them juiced or mixed with fruits and ice. Durian on the other hand is something I couldn't get me through 'til now. Almost the whole family loves it, except me. It has such a strong odor.

Nadia said...

Love your blog!! hate avocado!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Perpetual Chocoholic said...

The man is wrong. The cocoa bean is natures most perfect food so it can't possibly be the avocodo.

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