Fruit should not pose a threat to mature, committed relationships. Once you've found someone who fills your heart with joy and makes every day worth living no plant matter on earth should be able to stand in the way of your happiness.
But c'mon. The avocado was obviously invented just to test me.
The man doesn't just like the decrepid things, he's downright evangelical about them. Avocado is his answer for everything.
"Eat an avacado, they have B vitamins!"
"I have a leg cramp."
"Eat an avacado, they have potassium!"
"I'm going to throw something at you."
"Eat an avacado, they have large pits!"
Maybe it's the lithium content, I don't know. Nothing can taste that good.
No, of course I haven't tried to eat one! I know everything I need to know about avocados just from watching him eat them. He calls them "nature's perfect food". I call them "god's earliest experiment in the art of baby *poo manufacture." The other day a glob of avocado gut slid off his spoon and splatted on the floor. The wet smacking noise and soft spread of the gushy green goo was completely consistent with my theory.
The persecution rests.
It would be one thing if it were simply a matter of conflicting tastes, but it's become something bigger than that. It's become a source of endless amusement to him. At my expense.
He could just eat the things when I'm not around, you know.
He could refrain from pronouncing the word avocado with the same inflection that a seven year old uses to pronounce the word snot.
He's not about to do either of these things, though. I know this from the sadistic glint of glee that fills his eyes when he sees me turning the same shade of horror green as the evil filling his spoon.
I should just not allow them in the house. I should just make him eat them outside.
He genuinely does believe they're magic, cure-all balls of fabulousness that can help restore the most pulverized of immune systems, though. And he does have a horrible, horrible, horrible cold at the moment.
Okay fine. But I'm not buying them again. And he better not sneeze on me with a mouth full of that sin. Besides, it could be worse. He's taken to expressing a keen interest in trying durian which, according to Wikipedia, has a "strong and penetrating" odor that has been "described variously as almonds, rotten onions, turpentine and gym socks".
I think I might start keeping a suitcase packed on grocery day.
*Yes, I am aware that the latest few posts in this blog have included higher than normal levels of excretory references. I have no explanation for this. For the record, though, even if I did have an explanation you would not find it posted here. Why spoil the magic, am I right?
1 hour ago