Monday, February 21, 2011

Title (Circle One): Miss Mrs Ms Mr Almighty

Dear Applicant,

I am pleased to confirm that you are officially being considered for the position of my god. A formal interview will be arranged at a future date, but in the meantime please complete the following questionnaire to assist us in determining whether a permanent arrangement would be mutually beneficial. Pen is fine and pencils are available on request, but we ask for purposes of building code and hygiene that neither fire or blood be used as a marking device.

A) My holidays are best observed:
  1. in quiet contemplation
  2. in demonstrative supplication
  3. being emotionally vivisected at family gatherings
  4. at the mall
B) Devotion to me is best expressed through
  1. attendance at my places of worship
  2. respect for creation and all living things
  3. strict obedience to my laws
  4. bumper stickers
C) If I ever need to get your attention, I'll
  1. create a spectacular celestial event
  2. smite you with whatever's handy
  3. come to you in a dream
  4. just stare at you and expect you to figure out what's bothering me
D) The worst possible sin is
  1. the worship of another god
  2. murder
  3. sex (enjoying it)
  4. sex (not enjoying it)
E) I created the universe and everything in it, therefor
  1. you must worship me
  2. you are a part of me
  3. you are me
  4. it wouldn't kill you to say thank you
F) I summoned everything into existence
  1. because I was bored
  2. on a dare
  3. to pad my resume
  4. by accident
G) I love everyone
  1. equally
  2. mostly
  3. that loves me first
  4. none of the above
H) Drugs are
  1. a way of connecting with me
  2. a way of disconnecting from me
  3. too expensive
  4. therefor I am
I) Reincarnation
  1. enables beings to start fresh
  2. enables beings to continue on
  3. enables beings to pretend they're really Cleopatra
  4. saves on production costs
J) I am applying for this position because
  1. if you believed in me you'd already know
  2. if I believed in you I'd already know
  3. I made the mistake of saying you could ask me for anything
  4. this is just a formality, right?


Diana said...

This was so cute! Where on Earth do you come up with these ideas?
Love Di ♥

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

I love this one.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

This is great. Hope all is well.



Anonymous said...

My answers are pretty well all 4.

Give me my sceptre now.

- JazzGod

Brian Miller said...


ok, waiting on my phone are calling back right? what am i saying i knew you would before you were born...

Al Penwasser said...

These are great! I've shredded my resume; looks too difficult for me.
Maybe I'll apply for the position of 'demon'...?

Gaelyn said...

LOL!!! Pretty much 4s for me.

Rita said...

I can't stop giggling!! :):)

Erika said...

This is a way better quiz than anything I took out of a magazine when I was like 16.

mythopolis said...

Whenever I get paroled, I hope you will consider me. Meanwhile, I guess I can still think 'out of the box' even if I am locked in one. So, here are my answers to each part of this exhausting application questionnaire.
A....when I get to open all the presents regardless of who they belong to.
B. ...orgiastic rituals.
C...blow up your car.
D...spilling your last beer. time you see me coming, you better run.
F...while on laughing gas.'s just people I can't stand.
H...the gift that keeps on tripping. what happens to carnations when they die.
J....the missionary position has gotten sorta ho-hum.

I would be available anytime upon parole, or once I've done my time (2089). Thank you. (If you could send me some fortune cookies with plastic explosives inside, I could be available much sooner.)

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post! Love the last question and answers... So, when do I start?

nick said...

Asking me all these impertinent questions shows a complete lack of respect for my Supreme Beingness. If you haven't noticed by now that I've created the perfect world and the perfect entities to populate it, there's no point in my wasting any time on you. Kindly depart for another universe immediately.

And for your information, the worst possible sin is of course hairy armpits (if female) or comb-overs (if male).

Laughing Vault said...

great idea :):)

Eva Gallant said...

So what's the pay scale?

Raven said...

Genius! Utter genius! And I thought I was funny. ;)

Deidre said...

I got a rejection letter from a job I applied to the other day it said "dear Mr./Ms Decoybetty" (ok well it said my real name...)

It made me laugh because they couldn't even bother to discern whether my name was male or female.

Rob K said...

Yea, verily, I say unto thee that I really enjoyed this post.

Meri said...

Haha, I enjoyed this a lot.
It all comes down to the same thing, doesn't it- somethings out there and us silly humans keep screwing everything up, putting importance on things that don't need it, and ignoring signs we should probably see.

What a fun blog- glad to find you!

Lucy (aka rharper) said...

Thanks for coming over to my blog and commenting. I love your post. Very clever. Come back anytime. I love meeting new people! :))

Antares Cryptos said...

Does this application involve sacrificing humans without a sense of humor? I must know.

secret agent woman said...

You know, pretty much any combination of those answers would make as much sense as the things I learned in Sunday School.

Sarah P said...

A) My holidays are best observed:
5. drinking
B) Devotion to me is best expressed through
5. drinking
C) If I ever need to get your attention, I'll
5. take you out for drinks.
D) The worst possible sin is
5. being a dick about my drinking.
E) I created the universe and everything in it, therefor
5. we should totally hang out!
F) I summoned everything into existence
5. I was young and needed the money.
G) I love everyone
5. especially you, man.
H) Drugs are
5. so awesome when they’re free.
I) Reincarnation
5. is like déjà vu all over again.
J) I am applying for this position because
5. I kind of whiffed on my last job.

Jenners said...

You are so creative and hilarious ... and now officially on my blogroll (which I am very very picky about who I add to it as it easily gets out of control if I don't have "quality" control). And you, my friend, are quality.

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...


Who's going to get the job?

Lo said...

You are brilliant..........funny and classy!

I will keep coming back for more......please provide it.

nursemyra said...

My answers were all 4s but I noticed two other people went that way too so I'm changing mine to all ones

heartinsanfrancisco said...

This is hilarious! I'm so glad you visited my blog so I could follow the crumbs you dropped and read this. (And that's not just a formality.)

Deborah said...

LOL ... brilliant! :o)

Buckeroomama said...

This just might be the best one yet. ;p

GutsyWriter said...

Looks like you have many answers already. I can tell the way the questionnaire was formatted. Used to work for Gallup Polls. Great idea.

...louciao... said...

Dear Applicant, Supplicant:
We are sorry to inform you that this position has been made redundant.

Anonymous said...

Screw the interview, let's move straight onto the smiting.

natalee said...


injaynesworld said...

You are so fucking clever and funny.

Now I'll just take my painfully inadequate ass out of here.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

That is the best questionnaire. EVER. Where can I apply?

Anonymous said...

I will just use the Jedi mind trick on you.

joanny said...

Ha Ha clever witty you have found the hole in the fabric in the cosmos, .. now I feel vindicated that there is life on the star Vega.


thanks for the comment on my blog..yours was worth the trip..

Anonymous said...

I filled out this questionnaire last year and never heard back.

Enjoyed your comment on my blog. I look forward to following. Great stuff!

HumorSmith said...

Great....that job was open and you were taking applications? Now I find out!


Vicki Lane said...

O, how I love this! You are wonderfully witty.

TheFrogBag said...

Haha! Okay, I just have to say I love this one.

Cinner said...

Does this mean your firing me? I think we should talk.

Anonymous said...

Reincarnation "saves on production costs" cracked me up!

Kev D. said...



Stickup Artist said...

This is hilarious and so original. Wherever did you come up with such a fresh idea!

PS: I'll require Sundays off, with pay!

Pearl said...

Oh, my. :-) You've no idea how this one speaks to me!!

EXcellent post!


Mrsbear said...

I heart your brain.

Nezzy said...

Cute on girl...but ya couldn't pay enough for that job! Heehehehe!!!

God bless and have a beautiful day sweetie!!!

Deanna said...

Vivisected? I think I've experienced that. Thanks for the grins once again.

Jannie Funster said...

You are so funny!!! Mine were mostly 4s too. :)

Thanks for sharing your talent.


Al said...

Quite funny!

linlah said...

I'm responding here in pencil just to pad my resume. blessing, amen.

pattypunker said...

this post? makes you my almighty! i'm creating a bumper sticker to worship you: my god has better drugs than your honor student.

ps: thank you!

....Petty Witter said...

A great post but I think I'll pass on this offer.

Nari said...

If you run into any applicants who choose "4" on every question, I suspect that person may be my long lost sister. So, please let her know how to reach me.

What I Did Today said...

Is it weird that I answered 4 for every question?

sheila said...

Oh I love this! You are very creative! LOVE LOVE LOVE this!

Kathy G said...

Too funny! I'll remember this next time I'm looking for a new god.

Thanks for stopping by my blog today and leaving a comment.

Kernut the Blond said...

Oooh, ooooh!! *raises hand like Horshack* (if you don't get that reference, you may be too young :)

A. None of the above. The answer is Sex. Sex is how all holidays should be celebrated.

B. 2, and 4. C. 3 D. 4.
E. 3, and 4. F. 1 G. 1
H. all of the above I. 4
J. 4

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