Monday, February 14, 2011

Without pain, could these titles be as beautiful?

If I were to say that the hot wax method of removing hair was for wimps, a large percentage of people would immediately grasp the implication inherent in that statement. This large percentage could accurately be described as "women", and the implication they were grasping would be that I had just purchased an Epilady.

If I were to say that I had just purchased an Epilady, a large percentage of people would have absolutely no idea what I was talking about. This large percentage could accurately be described as "sane".

Epiladies are not for the weak. Or the particularly self-loving. The Epilady is a multipurpose tool that simultaneously removes unwanted hair and punishes you for growing it in the first place. Really, it's just a glorified electric razor. Unfortunately the glory is that it's angry, gnashing army of spinning, motorized tweezers rip your hairs out by the root instead of slicing them cleanly and painlessly in half.

I do this to myself of my own free accord. I paid money for the machine that I do it to myself with. I have not had recent counseling with a mental health professional. Draw your own conclusions there. It might not be rational, it definitely hurts, and it's absolutely one of my least favorite things to do in the whole world. But it makes me feel pretty.

And also I'm allowed to eat a whole batch of cookie dough when I'm done. It's a rule!

57 comments:

Julianna Cannon said...

too.damn.funny.

You complete me.

Kate said...

Oh yeah, I had an epilady. Used it once. Modeled my personal hygiene right there and then on the gorgeous and sensible French woman.
Don't you know body hair raises your IQ and makes you beautiful?

randine said...

OMG that sounds hideous. I will officially never buy one of those. I probably wouldn't have, anyways, but that's not the point- well I might have. The word "Epilady" makes it somehow sound peaceful and awesome.
Now I know better.

Brian Miller said...

yeah, i would not want to be around until after the cookie dough is eaten...yikes...masochist...

Hilary said...

Yeowch!

"The Epilady is a multipurpose tool that simultaneously removes unwanted hair and punishes you for growing it in the first place." Totally cracked me up.

Deanna said...

Ain't gonna happen. Ever! Especially not in my old age - but not in my young age either.

Laoch of Chicago said...

It is hard for me to relate to this, but the cookie dough does sound good.

Gaelyn said...

I was born with body hair. Granted not as much as I have now. And I will live with body hair. Maybe I am part French as I have a high IQ. I'll shave again when men start shaving their balls. Way to sadistic a practice for me. But them I'm a take it or leave it kind of gal.

Rachel said...

"punishes you for growing it in the first place"...

that is first class writing, my friend - recognizable by the snort it elicited.

I tried once - and wound up with a beautifully smooth 2 inch space on my calf ... the rest of the household could not stand the resultant deafness from my hysterical shrieks.

Lord Woman, you just brought back loads of memories I'd safely repressed since my teen years, LOL.

Love it!

james said...

I'd heard of the Epilady... But I never dared think it was real.

Buckeroomama said...

Too funny!! I love your way with words. Nope, no experience with Epilady... and no intention of making its acquaintance either. Thankyouverymuch.

Deborah said...

LOL ... we MUST be mad!

mythopolis said...

I've heard it helps if you slam two shots of whiskey and bite down on a doggy chew bone.

BLOGitse said...

Oh, boy what a masochist you are!
But some people get kicks from pain...I didn't know you're one of those - nice to meet you! :)

Gaston Studio said...

My Epilady died years ago and I've wanted to replace it, so where in the H did you find one???

Gen said...

I did not know the cookie dough rule, that changes everything, lol,

Kurt said...

Would it work on my ear hair?

Kev D. said...

Get the Ped Egg to complete the cycle of PURE TORTURE.

haphazardlife said...

I bought one once, lulled by the promise of painless hair removal (where did they get THAT particular idea from?) I used it once. I threw it away.

Sometimes you really have to wonder what the hell is wrong with us women.

Like Gaelyn said, I'll use one of those when men use it on their balls.

BamaTrav said...

I absolutely know what they are. I used it myself.....down there and it...um...grabs more than hair if your not careful. What they said in the E.R. is "how did those get in there?"

Eva Gallant said...

I have no relationship to the Epilady, and have no intention of forming one. Fortunately in my old age, such a relationship is highly unnecessary....I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of hairs on each leg!

Furry Bottoms said...

Oooh the epilady is TORTURE!!! I remember trying one in high school and I couldn't stop hollering.

....Petty Witter said...

Ouch - no amount of cookie dough could make up for this torture.

Heff said...

Good Lord what a fucked up blog you have, Tittytaria !

I prefer NAIR for my hair removal, but it tends to burn my asshole.

I digress.

blueviolet said...

No freakin' way. Although I've paid to get the 'kini waxed, so what am I talking about?

nick said...

Fortunately my beloved has never insisted on hairlessness anywhere on my body, so I've been spared that sort of torture on my balls, my pubic hair, my chest or any other sensitive location. But I've heard of women who demand the same excruciating hair removal that they put themselves through.

In theory I agree women shouldn't be expected to remove their body hair. The trouble is that since most of them do so, those who don't look decidedly odd.

Antares Cryptos said...

Epi means "upon, on". Lady? (questionable definition).

I'm subjected to the horrific sounds these torture devices provoke: "F*&k", "aaaaaaaaaaaarh" "yeeeeeeelp me!" and "mot**&&^^^%^&&&er!".

Why?

Nezzy said...

I got one when they first came out. Mind you this was after the incident of tryin' to hot wax my legs on the kitchen floor. It involved the loss of skin. I couldn't take the Epilady either. I'm a wimp!!! Heeehehe!!!

Absolute you deserve all the cookie dough ya can down after that!

You crack me up girl.

God bless and I hope your Valentine's Day was marvelous!!! :o)

Kernut the Blond said...

I bow to your bravery. I tried waxing. Once.

After smearing my hoo-ha first with a so-called 'numbing' oil (@^#%$ liars), I preceded to apply the warm wax. That felt kind of nice, and gave the very false impression this process might for even one second be not entirely unpleasant.

I removed the wax, with MUCH pain and screaming, only to see that TWELVE, yes 12, hairs had been removed. There were still at least 88 to go. And a whole other side. Never. Again.

Jenners said...

The cookie dough ... does it come with the Epilady or do I have to provide it myself? That would be a factor in my decision to purchase/torture myself.

AMIdesigns said...

This made me giggle while also making me wince! I've awarded you a Stylish Blog Award - please check out my blog for more info :)

nitebyrd said...

I didn't know they still sold Epilady's. I thought they were banned about the same time as red dye #3!

Deidre said...

um, OUCH. Dear lord...how often do you have to do this, um, torture?

I get waxed like every 3 months and it is enough to make me just simply want to embrace body hair.

Jocelyn said...

And it makes you as nudie as a newborn baby mouse.

There's an appealing image for you.

secret agent woman said...

No. I'm too wimpy even for wax. I have a distinct aversion to pain.

Jean Knee said...

Oh my gawwd, those things are vile

I only tried one once

never, ever again

I salute your masochistic tendancies

Chatty Crone said...

I know what one is and may I say ouch - maybe a glass of wine before using it would be the ticket.

sandie

Heather B. said...

Love your way with words. Way too funny! My sister got an Epilady for Christmas. I think she was probably about 14 or 15 and just thought it was something every woman should have. She has never really talked about her experience.

Also thanks for visiting my blog!

Shrinky said...

"The Epilady is a multipurpose tool that simultaneously removes unwanted hair and punishes you for growing it in the first place. "

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa, never a truer word! But I have to say, I'm very fond of this little gadget - no, I don't use it (I'm not that crazy), but many, many moons ago, hubby had their advertising account, and his dedication to duty spurred him on to try one out on himself.

I haven't laughed so hard in years, and he sure gained a fresh respect for womankind..

Laughing Vault said...

hahaha, i loled

Diana said...

Well I am a wimp, I use depilatory!
But I still like your cookie idea, yes, I like that very much!
Love Di ♥

Kim Nelson said...

I'm sticking with hot wax!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Why don't they make an Epidude or Epiman.

Miss Becky said...

what a great post. I'm intrigued by this Epilady! and oh my, cookie dough, right on! have a beautiful day!

MiMi said...

I've never bought one. I'm scared too!

Bee's Blog said...

This sounds worse than a Brazilian wax!!

I don't know about cookie dough - I should think a triple vodka martini would be more in order!

Stephanie Faris said...

OMG are those still around? We were joking in the 90s that you couldn't go to a garage sale without seeing one of those things. I thought they'd gone the way of all things 80s. I do a nostalgia blog on Fridays...I'm going to cover those this Friday. I'll link to you!

TheFrogBag said...

Yeow! I've been bitten, scratched, and nearly drowned by wayward fauna but I'm way too much of a wimp to use one of those! I just shave and then complain that I'm not magically smooth-skinned. MUCH less painful.

pattypunker said...

pretty always trumps pain. and now i'm feeling the need for a little hurt followed by some cookie dough.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Howling! I get the lip waxed regularly, because there's no way I'm going to sport a Billy Dee Williams stache in my middle age.

David said...

*heh* Pain is just weakness leaving the body (and goping out to mug a batch of cookie dough).

Donna @ The House on the Corner said...

Oh My Goodness!!!! I'm not sure I knew what an Epilady was but I can assure you I will avoid one at all cost!! Thank you so much for the warning!!

Ginger said...

Epilady sounds like some medieval tool of torture. I'll go with Nair and Veer, Thankyeverymuch.

ZomBee said...

HA! I remember when the devices first came out (the prototypes were used during the dark ages in dank dimly lit dungeons).
I was working at a retail outlet and a few guys were wondering what the big deal was.
Curiosity got the better of one and soon a blood curling scream was heard all across the store.
teary eyed and now bald on his forearm he exclaimed "its just a damn spinning spring!"

Megan said...

I bought some 'strips' once. Not only was the pain absolutely unforgivable, but also they didn't turn me out anywhere near close to the condition advertised.

I burnt the leftovers and apologized to the ozone afterward.

carma said...

I'm tempted to invest in one of those - having spent a ton of money on laser hair removal only to have to keep going for "touch ups" - said touch-ups are still expensive!!!!!

injaynesworld said...

What? You mean the semi-annual shaving of the legs festival isn't enough?

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