Aside from the obvious advantages of being able to seduce complete strangers while wearing a dog hair covered track suit and rocking a corn chip orange smile, internet dating offers you the opportunity to assess people according to their levels of literacy. Welcome to the twenty first century, folks. If only you'd known how dependent your ability to get laid in twenty years' time would be on your retention of the basic skills they were trying to teach you in English class. You may have focused slightly less attention on carving penises into your desk with your geometry set. Remember: like attracts like. While you think you're giving some sweet thing the lust sweats with your intoxicating character mash of internet leet, you've in fact just spent the last half hour engaged in a passionate chat session with a cat napping on the keyboard of an unattended laptop. You know what's sexier than a trout pout in a bathroom mirror? Complete sentences! Add a few of those to your profile and watch the magic happen!
Of course, it's a rare person who begins and ends their dating site adventures on the same profile. Like grief and addiction, dating profiles go through a variety of stages:
Stage One: I'm not really here. Unless you're interested. Then I might be.
- Characterized by: Obscured photos, incomplete sentences, and shame.
- Typical sentence: I don't even know why I'm here, but feel free to write.
- What they mean by that: Only losers use dating sites, but I'm willing to have sex with a loser since, for some strange reason, people who aren't losers won't have sex with me.
- People it attracts: Admin welcoming you to the site.
- Characterized by: Vacation/party photos, optimism, and enough animated smiley faces to warrant a seizure disorder alert.
- Typical sentence: Friends first and then we'll see how it goes!
- What they mean by that: Okay losers, I'll play your game. Please form an orderly queue in your rush to have sex with me, and don't get your hopes up too high.
- People it attracts: Members who have been on the site so long you're the only person left they haven't contacted yet.
- Characterized by: Photos obviously taken specifically for a dating profile that attempt but fail to look like they weren't taken specifically for a dating profile. Extremely long, detailed, and often uncomfortably candid self-descriptions.
- Typical sentence: I've met a lot of great people, but I still haven't found "the one".
- What they mean by that: There seems to be some mis-communication - the people I am willing to have sex with don't appear to understand that I am currently available to have sex with them.
- People it attracts: Other people who don't seem to understand why you aren't wildly excited to be contacted by them either.
- Characterized by: Photos unabashedly taken specifically for a dating profile, often involving pets, vehicles, and other props. Self conscious attempts to seem breezy and casual.
- Typical sentence: I'm open to anything.
- What they mean by that: Hey, maybe these new people will have sex with me. They obviously enjoy parties and vacations, and surely a person with that many smiley faces wouldn't say no!
- People it attracts: People you talked to before and never got anywhere with who are also running out of options.
- Characterized by: A sampling of photos from all previous stages, a main profile image ten to twenty years out of date, and poorly veiled critiques of previous internet dating experiences.
- Typical sentence: I AM NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES SO IF YOU ARE LOOK ELSEWHERE.
- What they mean by that: How did these losers fail to realize how lucky they were I even put an ad on this site?
- People it attracts: Nobody.