Thursday, February 24, 2011

If someone else writes the same title as you, does that mean you're soulmates?

Reading about the internet dating adventures of the always engagingly candid Kernut The Blonde (you can trust that a blog link on AAA1 Quality Blog, Ltd. will always lead to finely crafted entertainments) has me in a reflective mood. As glad as I am not to be on dating sites anymore, I gotta admit - I loved 'em when I needed 'em. I use the internet to shop for practically everything else, why not people? I kinda can't remember where you find people when they're not on the internet anymore anyway. The mall maybe? I don't know. They still have those, right? Anyway it's a whole lot easier to just dress up once and take a picture than to practice grooming and personal hygiene ev-er-y sin-gle day. Haha! You think you're flirting with some chick who's having a good hair day, don't you? Well guess what? You just called a woman who looks like she slept in a nest of drunk ferrets "cutie"!

Sucker!

Aside from the obvious advantages of being able to seduce complete strangers while wearing a dog hair covered track suit and rocking a corn chip orange smile, internet dating offers you the opportunity to assess people according to their levels of literacy. Welcome to the twenty first century, folks. If only you'd known how dependent your ability to get laid in twenty years' time would be on your retention of the basic skills they were trying to teach you in English class. You may have focused slightly less attention on carving penises into your desk with your geometry set. Remember: like attracts like. While you think you're giving some sweet thing the lust sweats with your intoxicating character mash of internet leet, you've in fact just spent the last half hour engaged in a passionate chat session with a cat napping on the keyboard of an unattended laptop. You know what's sexier than a trout pout in a bathroom mirror? Complete sentences! Add a few of those to your profile and watch the magic happen!

Of course, it's a rare person who begins and ends their dating site adventures on the same profile. Like grief and addiction, dating profiles go through a variety of stages:

Stage One: I'm not really here. Unless you're interested. Then I might be.
  • Characterized by: Obscured photos, incomplete sentences, and shame.
  • Typical sentence: I don't even know why I'm here, but feel free to write.
  • What they mean by that: Only losers use dating sites, but I'm willing to have sex with a loser since, for some strange reason, people who aren't losers won't have sex with me.
  • People it attracts: Admin welcoming you to the site.
Stage Two: Oh Boy! I'm gonna get a date!
  • Characterized by: Vacation/party photos, optimism, and enough animated smiley faces to warrant a seizure disorder alert.
  • Typical sentence: Friends first and then we'll see how it goes!
  • What they mean by that: Okay losers, I'll play your game. Please form an orderly queue in your rush to have sex with me, and don't get your hopes up too high.
  • People it attracts: Members who have been on the site so long you're the only person left they haven't contacted yet.
Stage Three: Oh wait. This is harder than I thought.
  • Characterized by: Photos obviously taken specifically for a dating profile that attempt but fail to look like they weren't taken specifically for a dating profile. Extremely long, detailed, and often uncomfortably candid self-descriptions.
  • Typical sentence: I've met a lot of great people, but I still haven't found "the one".
  • What they mean by that: There seems to be some mis-communication - the people I am willing to have sex with don't appear to understand that I am currently available to have sex with them.
  • People it attracts: Other people who don't seem to understand why you aren't wildly excited to be contacted by them either.
Stage Four: Stage Three: take two.
  • Characterized by: Photos unabashedly taken specifically for a dating profile, often involving pets, vehicles, and other props. Self conscious attempts to seem breezy and casual.
  • Typical sentence: I'm open to anything.
  • What they mean by that: Hey, maybe these new people will have sex with me. They obviously enjoy parties and vacations, and surely a person with that many smiley faces wouldn't say no!
  • People it attracts: People you talked to before and never got anywhere with who are also running out of options.
Stage Five: The death of hope.
  • Characterized by: A sampling of photos from all previous stages, a main profile image ten to twenty years out of date, and poorly veiled critiques of previous internet dating experiences.
  • Typical sentence: I AM NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES SO IF YOU ARE LOOK ELSEWHERE.
  • What they mean by that: How did these losers fail to realize how lucky they were I even put an ad on this site?
  • People it attracts: Nobody.
Alternately, and I've advocated this approach before, you can just post your income as being over $100,000.00. Then yeah, you could pretty much just fill out your profile with a picture of your dog licking his butt and the lyrics to a toilet paper jingle and still have too many people in your shopping cart for the express checkout lane.

54 comments:

Raven said...

ROTFLMAO You nailed it right on the head. I used to frequent dating sites, cuz really, where do you meet a guy nowadays? The bar? Yeah, right! In a fit of desperation I even tried hitchhiking as a way to meet my future soul mate but that never ended well.

Now I've just come to the conclusion that I really like being single, and I'm done looking for Prince Charming. If he wants to find me he can get his ass on his horse and hunt me down.

The only drawback to this plan is that I spend a fortune on batteries. ;)

Jenners said...

I "bought" Mr. Jenners on an Internet dating site and find your description of the various stages oddly familiar. Disturbingly so.

And you've inspired me to write about my own Internet dating exploits.

rachelslessonslearned said...

OMG This has the ring of truth!

Ive been internet dating off and on for two years now with no amount of luck whatsoever. I think I am about to start stage 4.

Wish me luck!

Nicky said...

Internet dating? Don't people just buy their partners from Russia now?

randine said...

Honestly, I don't see the point of dating. Men suck, and I should know cuz I married one. Eg) You buy a candle, and you get interrogated. "Another candle? Really? Cuz our house doesn't smell quite mango-y enough for you? Do you actually want to live inside a mango? Will you be happy THEN??" (Pointed glare).
It's like- first of all- nothing smells mango-ey enough, IMO, and secondly it was five dollars, so deal with it.

Anyways, that was a fun post!

Diana said...

I am so glad that I don't have to look for someone anymore. And right now if things were different in my life, I do believe that I'd stay single. Single=Simple!
But I do love my husband, just wouldn't want another one! I love your absolutely wonderful sense of humor! Love Di ♥

Chatty Crone said...

Can't say my daughter has had much luck either... sandie

Hilary said...

Hilarious.. but then who IS having luck with those sites?

Brian Miller said...

do you know how glad i am that i dont have to use those sites...really....

Audubon Ron said...

Before I met the current Little Woman, whom by the way we met on a dating site, in less than a few meetings I could leverage a phone number and shortly thereafter I could have any women doing things over the phone, cuz I also give good phone, and not too much long after I’d have her on a plane.

Then I met the Little Woman. Then she flew out. Then she answered my phone while visiting and retrieved a call from Miss. Russia. Then all hell broke loose. Then the Little Woman was kind enough to research Miss. Russia and carefully explained to me that Miss. Russia was the main character in an internet dating scam and I had been had. Then I felt like such an asshole.

Then I realized the Little Woman was an angel sent to save me from the death of hope.

That was ten years ago.

The end

Gaelyn said...

Have tried the dating sites a couple times. Boring! Rather be single.

Antares Cryptos said...

You lost me at "internet dating".

TheFrogBag said...

Wow, I feel so lucky to be married! I have no idea how to meet a guy though... I met mine when a mutual friend brought him along to my house right before my mom was about to drive us all to a Grateful Dead show. I'm thinking that isn't how grown people met men though...

Saimi said...

Well I'm just glad to be married!! We met the old fashion way, at a dance where flirting was involved..

I would never trust the internet with my heart and feel very lucky I don't have to!

nick said...

Being of the elderly persuasion, I've never used an internet dating site and never needed to. I met my partner the traditional way - we were both working in a bookshop.

Boy, am I glad I'm not partnerless and don't have to go through all that rigmarole. I suspect if I did I would make it all up and present myself as a hilariously witty, exceptionally well-read, amazingly considerate and supportive, stunningly handsome millionaire. Oh, hang on, that's not made-up, it's all true.

mythopolis said...

I guess it works for some, but I don't get it. However, my avatar gets lucky all the time. He went into a cyber restaurant the other day, and had Lady Gaga for dinner! She showed him a good time, since it was his last night before going to war.

Rita said...

Reading the ads is just plain good entertainment. One place I worked we used to read them to each other on break. We'd laugh all during lunch! ;)

pattypunker said...

i always get the lust sweats after reading your intoxicating character mash of internet leet.

Eva Gallant said...

That was hilarious! Thanks for the great laugh. One of my sons met his wife on line and they've been together for about 10 years, so it's not all bad.

Rob K said...

Painfully funny...and accurate.

Shrinky said...

OMG, OMG, OMG (tears of laughter running down my face), boy did this one hit a nerve! Haaaaaaaa! Been there, done that! Never a truer word, either! I didn't have the benefit of internet dating in my day, but aside from that, nothing much has changed. I went the dating agency route - I really, really SHOULD post on some of those experiences! I gave up and ran my own ad in the end (another long, hilarious/unbelievable adventure), tho' I did meet my hubby that way, and we've been together over 20yrs now - so maybe it really is a question of if at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again, huh?

Brilliant post!

...louciao... said...

Insert smiley face--in any orifice where it will give you the most pleasure.
:-)

Jeanie said...

I so old I totally missed the internet dating experience but I appreciate this tutorial in case the need arises for me in the future.

LadyCat said...

So funny! My best friend at work is on one of the dating sites and tells me about here experiences. We have talked about the importance of writing in complete sentences and using proper grammar. She said that her biggest pet peeve is when they use texting shorthand instead of actually writing words.
I was never brave enough to venture into online dating and met my hubby through a mutual friend...years after having completely given up trying to meet someone.

Rachel said...

Please tell me the picture at the bottom of your post is the one you used on the dating sites? :)

And yeah, drives me nuts when someone doesn't know how to write. And when they do dumb stuff like start their sentences with "and".

You rocked this post - loved it and laughed through the whole thing!

mrwriteon said...

Perfect. When I was still single I dated a woman I met on line (now that I'm not still single it wouldn't go over as well). Anyway, we corresponded and our missives got more and more salacious. She was also intelligent, well-educated, and very sexually uninhibited. Perfect. So, sight unseen she traveled half way across the country to come and stay with me. When we met face to face my libido went to zero. I don't know why. Nothing unattractive about her, but nada happening. I mean, I did, almost to be polite, but I knew it was going nowhere. So, I realized that realtime counts for everything as a result of that experience.

Stephanie Faris said...

I LOVE these! I did my time on the dating sites...so glad to be off of that. But I found with the guys who put only blurry, far away photos of themselves, they were not attractive at all in person. Why do people waste everyone's time like that? So yeah, you might get a couple of women to talk to you on there and maybe even agree to meet you, but once they do, they'll see how you really look and be outta there.

And it's not even about looks...it's about being up front and honest and being proud of who you are.

Al Penwasser said...

I knew all those English classes would come in handy one day. Who knew dangling participles would be sexy?

joanny said...

Ha - more than amusing, I guess after reading this I have been blessed and never had to use this form of dating scene. Doesn't count now but I always preferred the old fashion way - I want to see the whites of his eyes, the "scent of the man" and get to know them in real time.

have a great week end,

joanny

injaynesworld said...

Hey, your cat's butt looks just like my cat's butt.

Oh,yeah... dating sites. Last time I posted a profile on a dating site I titled it "Not 4 Amateurs."

I'm still waiting.

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Heh! You are so funny. This should be a magazine article.

Vicki Lane said...

What a giggle! I was married at twenty to the guy I'd dated in high school and all through college and here we are, 47 years later still married.

So I've never frequented dating sites but have ALWAYS (pre internet, mainly) loved reading those personal ads where the 75 year old guys all want slim women in their 40's. Or there was one guy looking for a soul mate but she would have to be into fruits and nuts.

A long term monogamous relationship may not be all that exciting but when I consider the alternative...

Thanks, Tatty, for another entertaining read!

HumorSmith said...

Flat out hilarious! Been there, had that done. I hate me some dating sites.

ladyfi said...

Hilarious! Although very off-putting - I don't think I'll ever date on the Internet... ;-)

Nari said...

Internet dating is far beyond my ability to comprehend. The images of goofy boys who live in their parent's basements and psycho ones who bury victims there spring helplessly to my mind and... I think I'll just stay married.

Buckeroomama said...

I love the way you wittily and dryly dissect the scene!! I never fail be entertained whenever I stop by. Seriously, where do you get your inspiration for all these posts?!

Julie Musil said...

OMG this is so funny! This gave me a whole new look into online dating. I have two friends who met their husbands this way, and I always wondered how the whole thing worked.

Mrs.Mayhem said...

"...dog hair covered track suit and rocking a corn chip orange smile..."

Ewww. That's enough to turn me off internet dating forevah.

Thanks for the laughs (and the grimace).

Kernut the Blond said...

OMG! This is great! Will you be my dating coach? I need to redo my profile. Again.

And a BIG THANK YOU for the link to my humble spot on the interwebs. :)

@Raven I'm pretty much leaning towards permanent singledom at this point. But I know what you mean about the batteries!

BamaTrav said...

Met my ex wife that way..she was actually a very nice person..still is. I like getting out and tomcatting though.

Irene said...

I'm really old, so I dated my husband because we met in a teen dance group. I'm so glad not to be in that scene anymore. Although sometimes, I'd like to put him up for auction, just maybe so someone would do his laundry, which seems to grown in my basket. I'm not sharing my pension though!

linlah said...

Does it work better if you do that whole thing in reverse? If I ever get there that's what I'm going to do.

Kate said...

I love you, Tatty. You make me laugh...sometimes I even wee my pants a little. Good job.

Victoria said...

This was so funny! It made me glad that I've been married for 30 plus years. I think I'll quit referring to my husband as "my second and maybe final husband." He's definitely the LAST!

e said...

I hear Raven about being over the whole Charming thing...the nice thing about batteries is they don't talk back, give you things no woman would want or fall asleep at the most inopportune moment...

I could bang on, but this is a public blog...Very funny, too!

Meri said...

Hilarious blog! I love it! I like the conclusion of writing your income as a bajillion dollars haha.
Cheers!
Meri
merigoesround.blogspot.com

nursemyra said...

Have you read the book "Sexually, I'm more of a Switzerland"? Here's a couple of excerpts (it's all about personal ads)

"England's best hope for Olympic gold if ever there was an Olympic event for wearing plaid and brogues. Man, 56,"

"Think of every sexual partner you've ever had. I'm nothing like them. Unless you've ever slept with a bulimic German cellist named Elsa. Elsa: bulimic German cellist (F, 37)."

....Petty Witter said...

A great guide, thanks for sharing your hilarious and unique take on dating. I'd love to put up my profile along with Husband dearest to see if we showed up as a possible match.

secret agent woman said...

Yeah, I've done my share of dating sites. And posted about it now and again It's a mixed bag. I've had some great experiences and other times I just have to shake my head.

Duncanr said...

loved this post !!!

(I wonder if anyone's written a similar review of the online dating process from a male perspective ? )

Deanna said...

HAHAHAHAHA. Do they have dating chat sites where everyone is trying to strut their stuff? A post on that would be almost as funny as this one!

Have a wonderful day.

Ginger said...

lol..Tattytiara you are a riot! That was one cynical wicked but oh-so-true overview of online dating. I have met all that and more...

But once in a while you meet someone that hits it just right :)

Coaster Punchman said...

Funny blog!

An original comment, I realize. Would you date me NOW?

Double Your Dating said...

I don't think that if the title is matching with your title then you are surely soul mates therefore this is not always the fact. Their can be many different things also.

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