Monday, February 28, 2011

Roses are red, violets are blue. Obvious titles are lame, but this will just have to do.

Dogs Should Not be Allowed to Write Greeting Cards

If I could express
How much I care
How much I love you
And how much you mean to me
If I could put it all into words
And say it to you...
...would you let me have the last cheese puff?

~~~~~~~~~~

I am touched...
...by your hand on my bum.

~~~~~~~~~~

Because I know you can't rip my intestines out with those blunt, square little monkey teeth...
...rub my belly.

~~~~~~~~~~

If you love something
Give it cheese
If it eats the cheese
Give it more cheese
If it does not eat the cheese
It is probably dead.
(and you can eat it)
(and you can also eat the cheese)

~~~~~~~~~~

One mediocre snack is worth a thousand "good dog"s.

~~~~~~~~~~

Without you...
...I'm hungry.

And Neither Should Cats.

Because you took me in when I had nowhere else to go
Because you nurtured me and made me strong
Because you give me shelter and security
And you comfort me when I'm afraid
And you care for me when I am sick
Because you care about my happiness
And because a day doesn't go by
That you don't tell me
How much you love me.
Because of all of this, and so much more...
...I tolerate you.

Hamsters, However, Are Fine

Happy Birthday, Giant Hand!

52 comments:

secret agent woman said...

"Because I know you can't rip my intestines out with those blunt, square little monkey teeth...
...rub my belly." is my fave.

mythopolis said...

My dog talks all the time, and it wouldn't be so bad except she is such a liar! I can't believe the stuff she makes up some times!

Genevieve said...

oh how I love this,

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Heh! Awesome. I'd take any of those cards, any time.

Raven said...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I so needed that laugh!

Brian Miller said...

these are awesome...i plan on using several today...if you dont see me for a while...send help

Kev D. said...

Just because...

...there's some clumps to scoop in my box. Get on that, or else I'll start using your bed instead.

haphazardlife said...

Brilliant!

I particularly love the cat and hamster greetings.

- Jazz

Kate said...

I sit up, therefore I:
need cheese
want to go outside
cheese?
want to play ball
did I mention cheese?
require a hug
did you say there would be cheese??

....Petty Witter said...

Brilliant, at last the truth is out there.

Audubon Ron said...

My dogs are all...

Roses are red
violets are blue
I'd don't care how much you yell
I'm gonna roll in the cow shit anyway...

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

The cheese verse is one thousand percent true!

Rita said...

OMG! I am wiping tears out of my eyes from laughing so hard! :)

Priceless poetry!!

Chatty Crone said...

I do feel cats do tolerate people! teehee

sandie

Deborah said...

LOL ... I loved 'those blunt square little monkey teeth' :o)

Eva Gallant said...

Because of all this, I tolerate you. Too funny and too true!

nick said...

Yes, come to think of it, giant hands must be rather alarming to hamsters. Just suppose we humans were suddenly stroked by a 10 foot hand on the end of a 50 foot arm....

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Hahaha this made me laugh so much! The cat one was awesome, so very true :)

Jenners said...

The cat one is spot on. And I love the monkey teeth one. And the hamster one. OK ... you are a genius.

blueviolet said...

I think it's best that dogs don't do the writing. Well demonstrated!

Jeanie said...

Dang, my dog often gets the last cheese puff, and he never said any of those nice things to me.

Antares Cryptos said...

LOL.
Faaaaaaantastic! Where can my masters buy these?

Nicky said...

"If you love something
Give it cheese
If it eats the cheese
Give it more cheese..."

Your dog? My new best friend.

Gaelyn said...

A scratch behind the ear says it all.

Hope to stop in when I can.

Duncanr said...

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Give me walkies and chews
And I'll forever love you

P.S. How come violets are blue and not violet ?

Clipped Wings said...

Very funny and entertaining.

TheFrogBag said...

Haha! I just about died laughing at this one. Oh my god, the hamster card! Ha! I had to call my husband up from his studio so I could read these to him. Please say you're writing a book of this stuff!

ShanimalCrackers.blogspot.com said...

Haha! Really liked the cheese poem! Mmm.

ladyfi said...

Rolling around laughing here! Pure genius!

Elisabeth said...

Great lines here, they measure the yin and yang of love, with all its qualifications. And it's good to see you over at my blog.

nursemyra said...

I like a good bum fondle myself. Over here we call that a "bondle"

Nicole said...

I'm using "Happy Birthday, Giant Hand" for all of my Facebook birthday wishes from now on. No worries, I'll give you credit.

I would read and entire blog of these greeting cards. Excellent!

james r. said...

I thought I was laughing until I read the hamster's thoughts. Then I was laughing and wiping my morning coffee off my laptop's screen.

...louciao... said...

OMG!-- You're a pet whisperer!

Off topic but I have to mention this, the word verification I've been presented with is "phaluss". Is that symbolic or what?

Buckeroomama said...

Seriously, where do you get your "material?" You are hilarious!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I have 7 cats, and I loved the cat greeting card. Laugh.

Mrs.Mayhem said...

oh my gosh, I cracked up at the verse about the cheese and the dead thing!

SparkleFarkle said...

I like it here!

Kernut the Blond said...

LMAO!! Awesome cards! You should put these on one of those sites - zazzle and (I can't remember the name of the other something like "somecards")

I have a cat. Actually, she has me. I should get a hamster so I could have a pet, too.

What I Did Today said...

Ahahahahahahahaha as usual. Is it your b-day? If so, hope it's marvelous. If not, I still hope it's marvelous whenever it is.

Meri said...

Haha- these are too funny :)

Babs-beetle said...

Hilarious!

Of course, having cats means I can relate totally with the cat one :)

Al Penwasser said...

World's Shortest Poem:
Fleas
Adam had 'em

Thank you, thank you very much.

Nezzy said...

Tiger the Wonder Dog's thoughts exactly! Heeehehehe!!

Girl ya never fail to crack me up!

God bless and have a beautiful day!!!

Giveaway...my place! :o)

Vicki Lane said...

These are all great but the cat one cracked me up!

Stickup Artist said...

I don't know where you come up with your ideas! They are so unique and hilarious. How you came up with the fantastic idea of writing greeting cards from pets I can't imagine. These are so funny because, no that you mention it, they are probably true!

Megan said...

I miss having a pet.

The Blue Zoo said...

lol Love them!! Those are hilarious!

And some of them would make great cards for me to give to Hubs.... =)

Tamara said...

Please start a line of greeting cards.

Here's another dog thought...

Roses are grey,
Violets are grey,
Black and white vision
Gets in this dog poet's way.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Just love these!!!
Wonderful!!!

Ginger said...

Too funny Tattytiara!!

Without you, I am hungry - Dog
Without you, I am A-okay - Cat

HumorSmith said...

You are freakin' hilarious!

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