Monday, January 25, 2010

Now I just need to make this title more interesting.

I'm having trouble finishing this book I'm reading. There's a lot of interesting stuff in it, so I really want to. Unfortunately, though, there's also a lot of:

Day 1: the bird flew away
Day 2: the bird flew back
Day 3: the bird flew away
Day 4: the bird didn't fly back
Day 5: the bird still didn't fly back
Day 6: my mistake, the bird did fly back. Anyway it flew away now.
Day 7: forgot to check on the bird

which goes on for entire, lengthy chapters before finally culminating in

Conclusion: I think I might have been watching the wrong bird.

I want to be smart, I really sincerely do, but damn. Why does being smart always have to be so boring? Why can't researchers pad out their accounts with a little hot nerd on nerd action or something? I mean come on, there are no tvs in an observation blind. We know they've got to get up to something to pass the time while they're waiting three days in the rain to see if the bird 5921-09 will peck meat specimen 31498 or meat specimen 31499. Document that! We're bored too!

No, I don't really think researchers should start writing erotica. In fact, I probably can't overstate that: I really, really don't think researchers should start writing erotica.

"Oh professor McCullough," she said in a weird, gaspy kind of voice, "I think perhaps a more appropriate topic of conversation at this point might be a comparison of contraceptive preferences."


"Of course, Monica," Professor McCullough replied, taking his glasses off carefully by gently grasping the frame in both hands because if you just take them off by one arm you'll twist the hinges, and even though they always do that in movies anybody who's actually worn glasses for any amount of time is going to know better, "I've studied and rated the tensile strengths of all the popular prophylactic brands."


Monica fainted, overwhelmed by the exactitude of the professor's scientific method.

Still, something has to be done. People are putting down smart stuff and picking up remote controls all across the nation. Why? Because smart stuff is so boring! We want to say clever stuff at cocktail parties too, but why should we have to suffer through boring learning stuff to earn that privilege?

This is exactly why we need to fund reverse evolution studies. With all the bird species in the world we should be able to crank out a couple dozen half decent dinosaurs within a decade or so. Or at least a mammoth. If I were reading a scientific account about a woolly mammoth not arriving when it was expected I would be intrigued and want to know more. Why not? Where did it go? Is it headed this way? How much direct force can the roof of my car withstand?

Ask anybody in any school - kindergartner or doctoral candidate - and they'll tell you that the more dinosaurs science has in it, the more interesting it is.

Compare:

Day 1: the bird flew away
Day 2: the bird flew back
Day 3: the bird flew away
Day 4: the bird didn't fly back
Day 5: Daryl was eaten by a Pterodactyl
Day 6: set up an observation blind in front of Deryl's remains
Day 7: the bird flew back

Conclusion: we need to replace Daryl

I rest my case and await my grant.

42 comments:

Cathryn said...

Interesting that Daryl got eaten...Daryl's my husband.

*waits a beat and then busts out laughing!*

Yes, reading some scientific studies can be so boring...but it depends on which topics you're going after. That's what I tell my students! ;)

Eva Gallant said...

God you're funny! Would it be less boring if you read it in the nude?

injaynesworld said...

I don't think scientists and researchers are paid enough to be entertaining. I think being entertaining costs extra and you know underfunded the sciences and education are. Be that as it may, I'd be flipping someone the bird if I had to struggle through something like this. I admire your fortitude! Now where's that remote... ;)

linlah said...

I know I'd read more smart stuff if it were presented in your version.

TheFrogBag said...

*Wiping away tears of mirth*

I feel smarter already!

As someone who has worked in a behavioral research department in a zoo, and participated in loooooong meetings arguing about exactly how to define the "reclining posture" of a chimpanzee, I feel just a tad guilty right now too.

BLOGitse said...

LOL! you're funny...
"Why does being smart always have to be so boring?"
If they are not boring nobody believes them. You have to be boring to be believable.
(generalized because there are interesting people/writings too)

nick said...

I always wonder why academic tomes have to be so boring. It's not just the subject matter, it's the pretentious, jargon-ridden language they're expected to use. I think you're on the right lines, every academic/scientific document should have an obligatory racy bit (plus picture) every two pages.

"The overall parameters of the national economy as defined by the Bowler-Magdoff index were steadily working their way up the luscious flesh of her left thigh...."

Brian Miller said...

actually i have often thought that scientist need to hire ghost writers to spice it up a bit. at least to where narcolepsy does not sneak in.

Tabor said...

This post is so enjoyable. Thank you and I agree from the few research papers that I had to scan in my former job.

Jazz said...

OK, I like your version much much better.

Keith (Butterfly Bay) said...

Hahahaha! I love it! Now I have a desire to write nerd porn. :)

Pretty Things said...

LMAO -- you are hilarious!

Berowne said...

Dear Friend: I got tired of the design, or lack of it, of my old blog. Since you’ve posted in “Savage Reflections” in the past, I wonder if I could prevail upon your good nature to check out my blog’s new face lift and post a comment. I’d love to have your opinion:

“The new design of your blog is a) good; b) acceptable; or c) a train wreck.” :-)

Thanks for your help. Yours, Berowne.

Helene said...

Yeah I could never get into research studies...they were all too boring. Maybe they should throw in a few curse words here and there to spice things up.

Sandy said...

Funny!

Thanks for visiting my blog today on my SITS day!

tori said...

You are so right! Just think about how smart our future educators, scientists and leaders of our country would be if we could some how suppliment math texts with those shoot em up video games or insert a little youtube in the philosophy books.
I'll be following :)

Lourie said...

Poor Daryl. *bows head* LOL This was a great post. I would love to see any study with humor and wit. It would make it way more fun!

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Delwyn said...

Jo TattyT

perhaps the title was Daryl's Demise.
It was a fun read..
Happy days

Mrsbear said...

I do, I do want to have clever things to say at cocktail parties!

My six year old would agree vehemently, dinosaurs make everything better.

Unknown Mami said...

I think you could have a career in nerd-otica.

Buckeroomama said...

Hahaha, I love your take on nerdy erotica! :) Hilarious!!

LadyFi said...

Hilarious! I doubt you could ever be boring!

dogimo said...

Researcherotica? Reverse evolution? Darylphagous pterosaurs? This post is so funny it makes me wish it was a book long. Once again you make the rows of glowing hornèd flower-haloed pig-heads PROUD, as they stand solemn guard over your ace prose.

Dang. I want to read what you're reading. I feel like it would smart me right the heck up! Not that it's as easy as that, I know - as you say, it's hard work.

Hope that grant pans out!

Captain Dumbass said...

I'd go back to school if I could study real dinosaurs.

{ Persis Shah } said...

Lovely post! I guess i'd read more smart stuff if I could just get away from my laptop. Right my epitaph would probably read "Dear facebook, I think we should have seen other people." :D

Wishing you endless interesting smart reads SITSa! xo.

Kimberly said...

That was great! I really enjoyed your take on it.

Boring is as boring does.

I am cracking up!

L.C.T. said...

Hi, thanks for stopping by my blog. I'd be interested to know which articles those were as they sound about accurate to me!

Tamara said...

I have an even better solution, actually. You should write books. Those would be hysterical to read.

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

OMG!! How creative and inventive you are!! I feel we have the tastes.
You're funny!Love it
xx

Renee said...

When I waste two minutes on a book like that I want to scream.

xoxo

CMPointer said...

I love this post! You came & visited my blog. So, I'm here to return the favor, and I am so very glad I did. I totally agree with you. The serious and/or techy stuff does not have to be boring. The problem is something I encounter all the time in genealogy.

Maybe I should add a dinosaur to my family stories. Is Daryl available?

Caroline
Family Stories

ellen abbott said...

Well, you made me laugh several times...the housekeeping thing and the coffee thing so I guess I'll stick around but, really, the last thing I need right now is one more reason to waste my time. Ooops, did I say waste? I meant spend more time in blogland.

Oh and thanks for visiting me and leaving a comment.

Queenie Jeannie said...

Laughing my butt off!!!!

That's the good news. The bad news is that I still have too much butt left over!

Traci said...

If you write the professorial erotica, I might read it! LOL

I just took my son to the Natural Science museum and you are right, anything with dinosaurs is much, much more interesting.
:-)

Gregorio Martino said...

Now if you just toss in some dinosaur romances you would have everyone's attention. :)Great post but is the bird here or there at this point? I really don't know.

cabin + cub said...

oooh i hope the book does get better! your version is much better... more drama and action!!

Toni said...

Haha I cracked up reading that! I couldn't agree with you more about 'wanting to be smart'...I've just bought a book about the American Presidents and it's huge! It started off well but I'm BORED yet determined to finish the damn thing! lol.

Love the Professor take on erotica :D

secret agent woman said...

What in the hell are you reading?

TC said...

I feel for you. Life Span Development, I'm no dummy but WHY do I need to know Skinners name and the ducks being warped by that other guy just to give a shot? I ask you?
Daryl going bye bye was a complete shock.

~Melody @ 6 Feet Over~ said...

See, if you're like me, you'll just chuck everything boring out the window, call yourself smart then call it a day!

You crack me up! This was hilarious!

~melody~

Hilary said...

Too funny.. you made me laugh.. thanks for that.

Sarah P said...

Are you reading "Wesley the Owl?"

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