Now I just need to make this title more interesting.

I'm having trouble finishing this book I'm reading. There's a lot of interesting stuff in it, so I really want to. Unfortunately, though, there's also a lot of:

Day 1: the bird flew away
Day 2: the bird flew back
Day 3: the bird flew away
Day 4: the bird didn't fly back
Day 5: the bird still didn't fly back
Day 6: my mistake, the bird did fly back. Anyway it flew away now.
Day 7: forgot to check on the bird

which goes on for entire, lengthy chapters before finally culminating in

Conclusion: I think I might have been watching the wrong bird.

I want to be smart, I really sincerely do, but damn. Why does being smart always have to be so boring? Why can't researchers pad out their accounts with a little hot nerd on nerd action or something? I mean come on, there are no tvs in an observation blind. We know they've got to get up to something to pass the time while they're waiting three days in the rain to see if the bird 5921-09 will peck meat specimen 31498 or meat specimen 31499. Document that! We're bored too!

No, I don't really think researchers should start writing erotica. In fact, I probably can't overstate that: I really, really don't think researchers should start writing erotica.

"Oh professor McCullough," she said in a weird, gaspy kind of voice, "I think perhaps a more appropriate topic of conversation at this point might be a comparison of contraceptive preferences."


"Of course, Monica," Professor McCullough replied, taking his glasses off carefully by gently grasping the frame in both hands because if you just take them off by one arm you'll twist the hinges, and even though they always do that in movies anybody who's actually worn glasses for any amount of time is going to know better, "I've studied and rated the tensile strengths of all the popular prophylactic brands."


Monica fainted, overwhelmed by the exactitude of the professor's scientific method.

Still, something has to be done. People are putting down smart stuff and picking up remote controls all across the nation. Why? Because smart stuff is so boring! We want to say clever stuff at cocktail parties too, but why should we have to suffer through boring learning stuff to earn that privilege?

This is exactly why we need to fund reverse evolution studies. With all the bird species in the world we should be able to crank out a couple dozen half decent dinosaurs within a decade or so. Or at least a mammoth. If I were reading a scientific account about a woolly mammoth not arriving when it was expected I would be intrigued and want to know more. Why not? Where did it go? Is it headed this way? How much direct force can the roof of my car withstand?

Ask anybody in any school - kindergartner or doctoral candidate - and they'll tell you that the more dinosaurs science has in it, the more interesting it is.

Compare:

Day 1: the bird flew away
Day 2: the bird flew back
Day 3: the bird flew away
Day 4: the bird didn't fly back
Day 5: Daryl was eaten by a Pterodactyl
Day 6: set up an observation blind in front of Deryl's remains
Day 7: the bird flew back

Conclusion: we need to replace Daryl

I rest my case and await my grant.