Sunday, January 31, 2010

Everybody's going to see this title, aren't they?

I was never afraid of monsters as a child. They didn't exist, and never mind what the internet tries to tell you - they still don't. Shoving granny's old dentures in the mystery meat you found behind the taxidermist's and dropping it on a beach somewhere does not a monster make. That's just a fun activity for a blind date and nothing more.

Mummies were always slightly more probable, but they're in Egypt. The only old mummies we might have kicking around Canada would be the frozen variety. By the time one of those things thawed enough to reanimate it would be a heap of soggy, moldering mush, and nothing was getting past our dog smelling that deliciously putrid. The biggest worry there would have been whether or not reanimated corpses are a bit salty. Our dog couldn't handle salt, so that being the case they could have posed a legitimate risk to our rugs, or at least they would after they had cycled through the digestive system of their welcoming committee.

Wolfmen could happen in North America, but anyone with a dog knows how to handle one of those - just put some peanut butter on it's back and call the pound while he's trying to lick it off. As for vampires, that threat I've never understood at all. Kick 'em in the teeth. Now what are they going to do, turn into a bat and poop in your hair?

That's not to suggest that I was a brave child, though. I'd lie awake at night trembling under the covers too, but it wasn't horror movies that gave me nightmares. It was diaper commercials.

I used to love tormenting myself with the fear that my mother might have allowed me to have been used in diaper commercials when I was a baby. The efficiency of youth allowed me to skip over hindrances of probability that might have compromised my terror, like the fact that we'd never lived anywhere near anywhere that diaper commercials are produced or the fact that my mother had never said anything along the lines of "Sweetie, remember that time I let everybody in the whole wide world look at your naked bum?" It's good that she did never say that. If she had I might still be rocking in the corner, sucking my thumb.

Very neurotic, yes, thank you for noticing. I would actually mind having my fully blossomed into womanhood tush featured on national prime-time now less than I would have minded knowing anybody anywhere, other than my parents or pediatrician, had seen my fresh from the oven buns when I was a child. Of course I'd love to blame this neurosis on my parents - it's the done thing - but try as I might the finger just won't point there. They believed in conforming to the standard guidelines of legal decency, but that was more path of least resistance than it was an exercise in morality. Wearing clothes sort of just fell under the general blanket of it keeps the neighbours happy, so why question it? There was never any suggestion that being naked was in any way shameful. I very cleverly devised that little self torture all by my self.

That's why I'm glad my mother didn't have a blog. I like reading about other people's children's epic poos - we all know the rule: it's funny when you're not the one who has to clean it up - but I'm glad I'll never have the opportunity to read about mine. I'm just not that okay with myself I suppose. And I'm okay with that. Does that constitute a dangerous psychological paradox? If it does, watch this daredevil move: I'm okay with that, too.

I'm also glad legends of my epic poos won't be available for my kids to read. Or their kids. Come to think of it, I might be even more glad that my great great grandparents didn't have blogs, because I just might be less okay with reading about my grandparent's epic poos than I would be with the prospect of my grandchildren reading about mine.

Adults of tomorrow, good luck with your brave new world, and go forth without shame - we all know everything there is to know about your butts already anyway.

51 comments:

cinner said...

Okay I laughed and laughed, you are hilarious...I don't think I was ever scared by a diaper commercial,,,but I was every time someone would look through photo albums, and every child was in there birthday suit. I always thought could they not afford clothes or at least a blanket. have a great day, thanks for this, it will start my week off great.

Chrisy said...

Yes...if blogs really do last forever there'll be some very embarassed adults out there one day!

Krimmyk said...

You post cracked me up! Sitting in the corner sucking your thumb, priceless!

I try really hard not to list too many embarrassing things about Logan online. After all someday he will be choosing my nursing home...

Buckeroomama said...

Hmmm, I'll have to keep that in mind as I write about the kiddos.

nick said...

Issues with diaper commercials, huh, that's a new one on me. Personally I've never been bothered about nudity, my own or anyone else's, probably because at my boarding school we boys saw each other naked all the time so nudity seemed quite normal.

Wow, I wish my parents and grandparents had had blogs, I would have found out all sorts of tantalising little details that they never spoke about. Plenty of blackmail possibilities too, I'm sure.

Secretia said...

That is true our butts have a common look about them. What could be new?

Tabor said...

Never quite looked at blogs and blog history this way. Poo? Hummmm.

My name is PJ. said...

What do you call something that's beyond hilarious? You!

From your first paragraph all the way through, I laughed.

And then I thought, 'She'd be an awesome dinner guest.'

Sarah P said...

Oh. I totally understand this. I was convinced I had a twin my mother was hiding from me.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, Tatty, my face aches from the huge grin and chuckles I had all the way through this post!
What a great way to make a crack in my blue funk. (pardon the pun!)

otin said...

Yea, it is kind of funny to think about pictures of you in diapers existing in cyberspace forever! I am glad that my mother doesn't blog! Oh am I glad!!!

Gaston Studio said...

After some of the intimate posts I've made, I kind of gag at the thought of my great grandchildren reading them some day, asking their mother, "Was Nana Auntie Mame?"

mo.stoneskin said...

Legends of your epic poos? They can't be truly legendary, or truly epic, as I can't find any reference in my book of toiletry legends.

Cathryn said...

Ok now I feel guilty! My poor son! He's already reading my blog--but I've yet to give him the tale-tell of epic poos!

LOL! Great Blog post!

BLOGitse said...

oh, what a relief my mother doesn't blog! :)
I haven't written about my private life too much.
(my life is not that interesting!) But quite a lot of people do share almost everything...I would never publish pics of my kids online.

rachel... said...

I've only ever made one or two poo references on my blog. I'm sure it will be deleted by the time my kids are old enough to read it/care.

When I was little I was desperately afraid of Bigfoot. The monster, not the truck.

Brian Miller said...

lol. i hate to imagine what my mothers blog might say...

e said...

Still giggling madly over this one!My mother embarrassed me enough without a blog. I cannot imagine she'd blog, if she were alive, too techie for her!

blueviolet said...

I love embarrassing my kids! I'm evil!

Tracie said...

I keep thinking that I'll delete my blog when I'm over this obesession and the evidence will be gone. It won't ever be gone, will it?

cabin + cub said...

The only things I wasn't scared of were mummies and zombies, since in my mind, it always seemed that they were really slow moving and not very agile... ie. i could outrun them! ;)

Hayley Egan said...

Ha!

linlah said...

I don't know that keeping the neighbors happy is really that important. :0

Anti-Supermom said...

And that is why I blog under Anti-Supermom; they shouldn't expect that I *exclude* stories of them that will be embarrassing to them in the future ;)

funny post~

HalfAsstic.com said...

Are you kidding me? I want to document every single poo and pee I change Henrietta out of! I am laughing my head off just thinking about it! I could, quite literally, scare people out of getting old!
This is brilliant! THANK YOU!
Now.... who do you think would check in to see it....?

Mrsbear said...

I'm sure my kids will have plenty of fodder for their future therapy in regards to what I share on the blog. But then again, being well adjusted is just so tiresome. Neurosis builds character.

"Shoving granny's old dentures in the mystery meat you found behind the taxidermist's and dropping it on a beach somewhere does not a monster make."

Hilarious and disturbing all at once

Melissa B. said...

I was talking to my girls the other day about what things would be like if I'd started blogging when they were babies...

Debbie said...

And that is why I don't post really personal stuff about my kids! I would like them to still want to be around me for holidays:)

Susan said...

You are a fantastic writer! I'm so glad I found your blog. BTW, did you know on the Canadian side of Niagra Falls they did have the mummy of a pharoh and never knew it in a small nondescript museum? Never count Canada out ;) Thanks for stopping by my blog!

secret agent woman said...

Ha ha ha! This reminded me of my then-husband showing everyone at our workplace photos from the c-section, including one of me sitting on a table waiting to get an epidural, butt exposed. When I saw what he'd been showing around I was horrified and said so. He said, "I didn't even notice - I was only screening for boobs!"

Shell said...

Hilarious! So, I guess I've been blogging blackmail material for the future.

Ron said...

VERY, VERY funny!

OMG...I was laughing my ass off!

At first, I thought you were going to tell us great scary monster stories and then when I got to the diaper commercial line, I HOWLED!

Your words here reminded me of all the already embarrassing childhood stories I've shared on my blog for the past three years. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!

HA!

Ginny Marie said...

Ah-ha! You're so right about vampires! Now I don't have to be afraid of them anymore!

Thanks for visiting my blog!

Theta Mom said...

Yeah, this is why I try to think about what I publish so it won't haunt me down the road! lol

Sara said...

Too funny! If blogs do last, my poor son will have lots of stories to read about him!!

I loved your post

Unknown Mami said...

I may never write an epic novel, but I might write about an epic poo.

Hilary said...

You sure bring up a good point. My kids are probably happy that blogs didn't exist when they were little.

The Blue Zoo said...

I sincerely hope that my blog causes my chldren half the embarrassment they have caused me.

LadyFi said...

I too laughed and laughed... A blind date with you sounds hilarious! And a bit scary...

TheFrogBag said...

Haha! I think I'm going to make sure my blog lasts forever by printing it out and encasing it in plastic. That way if anyone ever points the finger of shame in my direction I can say "see? It's all about trivia. No bare butts that aren't covered by fur and travel on four legs".

dogimo said...

I was never afraid of vampires, but after reading your take, now I can't wait for that sucker to show up. I'm going to make him look very poor. If there's one thing I can do reliably, it's a front-snap kick! Wow.

I don't know how I never thought of that.

But it doesn't help me with my main childhood bugaboo monster: The Blob.

Do not attempt to kick The Blob.

Of course, in winter, in Canada, Blob's not going to be much trouble. I guess the answer to The Blob is, keep moving North.

Eternally Distracted said...

Hilarious. Loved it - great post!

blognut said...

I always wondered if I had done diaper commercials, would it have paid enough for me to live the rest of my life without working.

No, huh?

VE said...

I don't know what the big concern is...everyone poos!

Grand Pooba said...

There's no such thing as TMI anymore is there?

UberGrumpy said...

:)

I don't worry too much about my own butt, having never seen it.

As for epic poos - they are part of life's rich tapestries, and there to be enjoyed, particularly if you;re behind with your reading. Or knitting

buffalodick said...

I think of the millions of dollars people have spent watching shows on ghosts, vampires, werewolves, big foot, Nessie, etc. that simply don't exist beyond entertainment!

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

What a truly fantastic post! I wonder if the next generation will become blase about their childhood bodily functions or whether they'd do what you (and I) would do, which is rock in a corner sucking our thumbs?!

JenJen said...

Funny shit! Not from my butt or my kids' butts.

Nessa said...

I'm scared of diapers. There's some bad toxic waste in some of them.

Poor Tuesday

Helene said...

You are a riot!! This post made my night!! I love the logic you used about all the various monsters, esp putting peanut butter on a werewolf's back.

I do realize that my kids may be embarrassed by some of the things I write about them in my blog but of course that's what I live for. My mother used to tell me her sole purpose in life was to make me miserable. It worked. It's a vicious cycle.

About Me

My photo
Alberta, Canada
Quality blog entertainments delivered in a convenient, electronic format, and widely read by the sexiest, most intelligent, and wittiest people on the internet - all of whom practice exemplary personal hygiene.