Sunday, January 17, 2010

I found this title in the clearance bin marked Slightly Irregular.

I spent almost twenty dollars on socks yesterday. Obviously I didn't spend it all on one pair.

I got two pairs! Okay I know that still sounds crazy, but you have to understand that they were 50% off. So while I spent nearly $20 on socks, I got nearly $40 worth of socks.

That didn't make it sound even a little bit less crazy, did it? Well who knew eighteen dollar socks even existed? But I promised I'd buy myself good socks for a change and... and I spent eighteen dollars on two pairs of socks.

Oh dear. I hope I'm not stupid. I try so hard not to be.

The package says they were developed for the military. Knowing military budgets, eighteen dollars is actually rather cheap for a pair of socks. That's their average per unit cost on a post-it note. It also said they had, um, advanced sock technology for... I think a better overall sock wearing experience of some kind? Or something?

Oh no. I am stupid, aren't I?

These better be good socks. Wait wait wait right there let me qualify that! These had better be good socks by my definition only. By my dog's definition they better be terrible socks.

There's a reason I'm always out of socks. His name is Max.

Is it laundry day yet? I'm starving!

After every spring thaw I find roughly 4-6 socks in the yard. Max carries them out there. You can just get rid of any charming images of a happy dog bounding playfully into the yard with a sock hanging out of his mouth right now, though.

Those socks did not drop out of his mouth.

I don't understand the appeal! At first it was just socks out of the hamper. He'd go rummaging in there while I was away. Charming. He misses me, and obviously my dirty socks smell more like me than anything else in the house. Cute. He loves me so much he wants to eat my stink. I'll just have to make sure to bury them a little deeper in the future.

Okay, that didn't work. He ate two tea towels and a wash cloth to get to them. Less cute. I'll just have to keep the laundry basket in the kitchen, on the other side of the doggie gate.

Now why is he eating clean socks, for heavens sake, and how did he figure out how to open my sock drawer? Yes, I'm asking you, cats.

So the sock drawer is blocked off behind a trunk now, the laundry basket's in the kitchen, and he still manages to get his daily recommended servings of sock more often than I care to admit. Sometimes I am careless and take my socks off when I'm somewhere other than in the kitchen. Sometimes the phone rings between taking clean socks out of the dryer and barricading them in their secure repository. I also have to let him through the doggie gate to go outside, and sometimes he manages clandestine visits to his beloved laundry basket while I stand flapping my hands like signal flags trying to navigate my more blind than not little sixteen year old dog through the large gaping hole in the wall that leads to the yard.

Sometimes I fall into a deep sleep wearing two socks and wake up wearing one.

It's not that the dog's smarter than me. Not much, anyway. It's just that he has a lot more time to devote to finding ways of getting my socks than I do to finding ways of keeping my socks away from him. While I'm busy running around trying to manage our household and the career that finances it, he's spending the day on his doggy bed calculating the what correct angle for startling a sleeping cat in order to knock the best pile of laundry off the dryer is. I've had to resign myself to the reality that there's pretty much only one place in this house that is completely safe for a sock to be.

That's why, should you ever drop by and decide to grab yourself a snack, there are forty dollars worth of socks in our refrigerator.

54 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

What a hilarious post! At least socks are cheaper to replace than shoes--which our dog used to snack on!

kys said...

So glad I don't have a pet.

Bombshell BLISS said...

What a great post! Your dog is quite the personality. Our dog prefers underwear. Lord love a duck!

Buckeroomama said...

LOL! Dogs are smarter creatures than they let on...

e said...

A doggie sock fettish! How funny!
I do not think I've ever glimpsed eighteen dollar socks...Wherever did you find them?

linlah said...

I find a system of baby gates quite normal in the deterrence of sock snacks.

Megan said...

Ha!

Maki said...

Oh this is great. But I guess you can't be so angry because he's so cute!

Lora said...

ohhhh, that made me laugh a lot!

visiting you from SITS--have a great day!

Protege said...

I think Max is cute.;) I loose my socks in the drier, always.;)
Thank you so much for stopping by my place, I appreciate your visit.;)
xo
Zuzana

nick said...

That is one very smart dog, the way he constantly manages to get the better of you and grab yet another sock or three. At least it's socks and not banknotes or key rings.

Advanced sock technology, huh? Does that mean the socks can also download your favourite albums and make the coffee?

Secretia said...

That socks, it really socks!

Secretia

Tabor said...

This posts on the socks, rocks. What fun and I love your dogs. Years ago we had a dog that would take our sons socks out to the dog run when we were on vacation. Fortunately he never ate them.

secret agent woman said...

Then, um, shouldn't you be buying really cheap socks? Like the ones that are in packs of ten for a couple of bucks, made in China? Or at least, plant them around as decoys. :)

My name is PJ. said...

You're hysterical!

Max could be jones-ing for underwire bras....that gets interesting and expensive as well!

Brian Miller said...

lol. i am sure you could find a $600 hammer developed for the military as well...err...

my wife wears one sock to bed...primitive heat regulation...smiles.

Gaston Studio said...

Oh this post spoke to me because I, too, have of late vowed to buy better socks. Not because my dog or anyone else chews them up but simply because I don't like the lint cheap socks leaves behind between my toes... yuk!

JenJen said...

Well said! I laughed out loud at that stinker!

Where the Fur Flies said...

That's so funny. My first thought when I read that you paid $20 for socks as 'I hope her dog doesn't eat them'.

My dog steals socks, but she gives them back before they pass through her digestive system.

Raelene said...

Too funny!!! I laughed my way through this post. Thanks!!
Oh and good luck with the doggy sock fetish. lol :)

Maureen said...

thanks for commenting a little while back. your blog makes me laugh.

matchamagnolia said...

Ahahaha! Pets can certainly be "special," huh? I have a cat who's terrified of potatoes myself.

f1trey said...

be thankful its only socks!!!!

Captain Dumbass said...

Can't imagine a sock would be very pleasant going in or coming out.

injaynesworld said...

Throw the dog into the dryer and shrink him. When he comes out the size of a Chihuahua, your problem is solved.

Big Hair Envy said...

Love this laugh-out-loud post!! My dog is so old now that the only thing he wants to steal is another nap;)

JDaniel4's Mom said...

Now I know where all my socks go. They are in your backyard.

Stopping from SITS!

HalfAsstic.com said...

Bwahahahaha! I don't necessarily think your dog is smarter than you! Though he does seem quite intelligent! So please keep us informed about whether or not your $20.00 socks are dog proof!

Fragrant Liar said...

I guess there's no use in telling him to "Put a sock in it!" since he's pretty much already doing that.

otin said...

I like to do that with womens underwear! I steal them and then make them come looking for them! I am such a dog! hahaha.

Kathy said...

HAHA! That's great! Two of my three dogs love fabric. One loves to chew holes right in the middle of blankets and the other one sneaks into my workshop in the dark and takes fabric scraps out of the trash to chew on. Why would they want to chew on blankets and fabric.

The sock thing would get annoying after a while. I hate having one cool sock without a match because the other one got eaten!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

My first thought was that you need to buy cheap socks. But I love comfy socks, and if they're expensive, so be it. So by all means, keep them wherever you must!

blueviolet said...

That is so funny that he's quite obsessed with them! Stocking up on them when on sale makes perfect sense!!!

Unknown Mami said...

That's some sock appeal you have. Good luck with your military socks and may you find no more surprise sock dookie.

Sarah Day said...

I wear $20 socks for work and for hiking and they are so worth it. And I keep them in a bin on the top shelf of my double barricaded closet to keep my dog from stealing them. He also has an afinity for socks, but he just likes to suck on them and make them into drooling slobbery messes and hide them somewhere where I will step on them in the middle of the night and freak out.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

HA! You're killing me.
Only.... uh... which end do the socks come out? I know that's a nasty question but at first I thought he was digesting them but then I remembered a recent story I heard about someone's dog that ate cupcakes including the paper and the dog barfed them up, so then I thought, oh maybe Max threw them up. Then I thought, should I even be wondering that? I mean, does it really matter? Is it worth grossing everyone out by my asking this question in front of everyone? Will I look like the group Grossy McGrosserstein?

Rebecca said...

Hi there, thanks for a good read. It made me laugh:-) I love your dog Max - so cute! I might stockpile socks, than again I see your point about wasteful spending too. I love cozy socks so I might be in trouble. Hmmm, it's a mystery.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment today :-) at
The Blessings of Modern Domestication

allycupe said...

Love this post! I love that your dog has his own little fetish...but more importantly I like the justification for spending that much on socks! perfect, I may steal it....

Robin said...

Yeah..Mine does the same...actually he brings them to us to throw if he cant fine a toy around..he'll bring anything..the other day he brought a bottle cap for us throw..socks ar one of his fovs though..!

Toni said...

Lol brilliant. My ex once had a dog that decided to eat my tights when I wasn't looking but we didn't realise until we saw something 'unusual' sticking out the dogs bum...low and behold we pulled out my tights. Surprisingly a got a new pair lol

shabby girl said...

What a crack up! Not so funny for you, however. :)
I often see our dog, Wilson, looking like he's asleep, but in reality, he is busy plotting as well.
Any chance at a dirty kleenex, a napkin, or his very favorite in the whole, wide world, butter!

The Mommyologist said...

Too funny!! I don't even have a dog and I still can't keep track of my socks!

Cathryn said...

I laughed so hard! Thank you! I needed the laugh!

Hilary said...

What a sneaky pooch. I had a cat who learned how to open my drawers and pull out a piece of clothing so she could sleep on it during my absence. But this trumps that on all accounts. Too funny.

cinner said...

That is absolutley hilarious, especially the refrigerator with the socks. Our dogs love socks, the best toys, tie one in a knot and they go crazy, however we started the problem that way....ooops. take care.

K said...

I hope you love your new shoes - I'm sure they're worth every penny.

Sarah P said...

Beautiful! The imagery of the socks in the yard - well, let's just say that's going to stick with me for a while.

The word verification on this is "aphoop." Is that a word? I'm pronouncing it like "a poop" because it goes nicely with the sock-in-the-yard imagery.

Debbie said...

You are so funny! I have spent that much on smartwool socks for my kids for hiking and camping. But for me, cheapos from Target!

gayle said...

Well I hope they are at least soft!!

JennAventures said...

My dog growing up used to only take dirty socks and underwear, but instead of taking them into the yard she would crawl under the bed and have a little dirty laundry colony to sleep in. Quite icky.

Grayquill said...

My favorite line: "Oh dear. I hope I'm not stupid. I try so hard not to be." You have no idea how that line fits me. I might have to steal it at some point in time.
I have now been enlightened. Now and then I find a random sock out in the yard. Now I know they are yours. That is one thing I can check off my list of things to ponder.
Congrats on the POW @ Smitten Image.

Daryl said...

Congrats on POTW mention from Hilary

LisaDay said...

Yes, I can see the Doggy spending his day thinking of how to get his socks fix, and how to get the cat to help.

Hope you found some chocolate.

LisaDay

Just Brande said...

I'll be sending you some socks and your dog some... used socks. I just don't understand why he eats them though. And RE: Bombshell, yeah. My dogs had a thing for underwear too. Victoria's Secret skivvies are tough to see chewed up.

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