Monday, January 17, 2011

Truth in Titles (Currently Unavailable)

I don't actually know what planet I'm from, but I can describe it perfectly.

Days on my planet are 30 hours long. I get to put off going to bed for an extra four hours every night and sleep an extra two hours every morning.

We have four seasons: summer, warmer summer, even warmer but still perfectly comfortable summer, and refreshingly cool but still perfectly comfortable and with prettier leaves than usual summer.

The only constellation in our night sky is the "Whole Buncha Random Stars" constellation, so everybody on my planet's astrological sign is Randomarian. Randomarians are well known not to believe in astrology, so that column in the news pretty much never gets read.

Our water has to be processed before it can be drunk. It has to be extracted from the coffee that flows in majestic rivers across the landscape.

Dogs on my planet hate people food. On my planet you can safely leave it lying around places that would be brazenly reckless to leave food if you own a dog here on earth, like on top of the refrigerator.

People on my planet have adopted the custom of skipping the argument and going straight to the make-up sex. This has had the unfortunate side effect of creating a culture of deliberate aggravation, but so far nobody's complaining.

On my planet you get paid days off for your birthday, Halloween, Valentines Day, and getting your nails done. If you come to work sick you have to pay everybody for the days they have to take off sick because of the cold they caught from you, and also bring them soup. And fashion magazines. And a Toblerone. And a lottery ticket.

And make sure you get the bonus pick.

I do get homesick, sure, but I'm doing my best to make myself comfortable here. I just wish I could find a tattoo artist that knows how to draw the Randomarian symbol, or at least have the decency to take their clothes off when I yell at them for getting it wrong.

52 comments:

TheFrogBag said...

I SO want to move to your planet! Phooey to this planet and it's non-caffienated rivers!

yobokitty said...

oh. my. gawd, can i live there?
please?

Verity Vaudeville said...

Damn them for not picking up on the Randomarian Rules!! DAMN THEM ALL!!!

Tabor said...

You are most creative. Wonder what your dreams are like?

e said...

I'm booking the removal van this minute!

Brian Miller said...

you had me at rivers of coffee...can i apply for citizenship....

Audubon Ron said...

Yes, I recall, we don't believe in same sex marriage there but a guy can have more than one wife if he wanted. But the down side to that is if gets confused and misses one birthday card, or anniversary or Xmas, he goes to jail. The wives can throw the book at him.

haphazardlife said...

What does it take to become a citizen on your planet.

But, do you have tea?

- Jazz

Eva Gallant said...

That planet sounds like the place to be...except for the coffee rivers. I hate coffee.

Julianna Cannon said...

You are brilliant. Truly.

Sex, Drugs and Bacon Sandwiches said...

Please tell me how to get there - for the make-up sex alone!!

Cathryn said...

Make up sex and pets NOT hunting down people food? Paid birthdays--that would be awesome since my birthday is December 24! I wanna emmigrate THERE! What's the process?!?!?!

Kate said...

Are there babbling creeks of cream to accompany the rivers of coffee? Are there Xanax convenience stores? If so, I am moving there.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Please tell me you make your living as a writer or I'll feel this world is lacking that much more.

I'm glad my dog eats people food here on Earth or I'd be a whole lot fatter.

Brandy Rose said...

You'll have to give me directions to your planet when my vacation time comes in.

Myrna R. said...

I'm from another planet too, but here the water is made from melted chocolate. That's the only difference.

Pamela said...

Yep I will live there too!! But I can't find it on the map...I bet you did this on purpose SO it would not get over crowded there!!

Diana said...

What a wonderful planet. Whens the next shuttle? Love Di ♥

Nessa said...

Your planet sounds wonderful. Are tourists allowed?

Donna @ The House on the Corner said...

If you tell me that the tree's grow chocolate kisses and the water fountains spew diet coke, I'll start packing!!

mythopolis said...

I keep trying to get to your planet, but the border patrol keeps dragging me back. Maybe you could have your people call my people - that might help. Better yet, have your people invade our planet and take over. I want to study Randomarianism, and become a Randomarian monk. Stoicism simply does not suit me anymore. Free the earthlings!

nick said...

But you know what astrologers are like, they'll tell you that today the stars aren't quite as random as yesterday, which means you're due for a major disaster in the afternoon and all your hair will fall out around teatime.

MAB Jewelry said...

Hear hear for endless coffee and instant make-up sex! Are you in Cleveland?

blueviolet said...

Your planet is far far better than mine!

Eddie Bluelights said...

When's the next space ship? Are they taking immigrants? How quickly can I have my first arguement? ROFL Love the post and the blog and glad I found it again. I've just signed up.
Oh! I'm just going to have a coffee!! LOL
I'll email you with the Sunday Roast details directly.
Thanks ~ Eddie

Gaelyn said...

I'm ready to move to your planet.

Rita said...

Some of the tatoo artists here on earth should never,ever take their clothes off. Must have some hunky tatoo artists there. And some very hyper fish and frogs. ;)

Linda Medrano said...

I'm kind of loving this planet of yours!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

I am digging your planet! Thanks for stopping by today, too.

Rachel said...

I'm dreaming about becoming your sub-lessee!

Loving the paying everyone for their sick days if you dare to come to work sick. Can I post this in my workplace?

Nicky said...

Do you have an embassy here on Earth where I can go to request asylum?

booguloo said...

Send me a ticket. Coach is fine.

bluzdude said...

Oh, Tatty, you're hilarious. I just found a great new blog to follow!

Cheers!

Kay said...

Thanks so much for jumping over from your planet. You live a very interesting life too!

ladyfi said...

Now,that's my kind of planet! You forgot to mention the trees with chocolate growing in them - just free for the taking!

Megan said...

From high orbit, I smile upon thee. We have ice cream.

nursemyra said...

I don't like long flights so I'd prefer to import your planet rules to earth please

Kim said...

I like this planet! The four seasons sound right up my street, not to mention jumping straight to the make up sex. In fact all of it. Directions please...

Deborah said...

I'm so glad you stopped by blog so I had the chance to visit your blog ... I jst loved this!

Stickup Artist said...

Randomarian did not show up on my GPS! Oh know, I was so looking forward to a visit. Guess I'll have to import some of it's customs. Maybe I can write my congressman...

Walker said...

30 hours eh.
Hmmmm, do they have cable?

linlah said...

I won't have take any kind of rocket to get tho this planet, right.

Captain Dumbass said...

I want to come live on your planet. What would the sign be for Randomarian?

Friko said...

What, no winter? No greedy dogs? Probably not even crotchety husbands?
stars every night?

Who'd want to live there; I'd never have anyone to shout at. Where's the fun in that?

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

I love your seasons. Especially cooler summer with prettier leaves. That's my favorite.

gayle said...

I want to join you on your planet! I think I remember you telling me you get days off for get your hair done and facials!

Buckeroomama said...

"If you come to work sick you have to pay everybody for the days they have to take off sick..."

I wish this happens in our planet, too!

Super Happy Girl said...

"....extracted from the coffee that flows in majestic rivers across the landscape."

OMG!!!!!!!!!

secret agent woman said...

I want late spring, summer, early fall. That middle season should take 8 months, the others 2 each.

Guillaume said...

I love that cat! I love cats in general...

Aunt of 14 said...

Oh, how do you get there? Directions, please?

injaynesworld said...

Well, clearly we'd all follow you anywhere, so beam us the hell up!

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