Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Titles are like snowflakes, except that they're all exactly alike. But otherwise, you know, it's uncanny.

So there you are, going about your perfectly normal way on a perfectly normal day. The atmosphere is allowing a comfortable ratio of sunlight through, plant life is flowering tastefully, and the birds are displaying a competent level of vocal skill. Then suddenly and without warning you become aware that something is very, very wrong.

One of your boobs is misplaced.

This is not an isolated incident I'm describing. It's a legitimate ongoing concern. This can and does happen in a variety of circumstances that in no way lend themselves to the misalignment of boob flesh. Waiting in line. Operating a motor vehicle. Enjoying calm, non-gestural conversation. One moment I'm completely focused on some non-boob related topic or activity, and the next I'm utterly fixated on the relative position of one of my boobs to the bra cup that contains it. Or select parts of it. Or select parts of it and an additional sampling of adjacent flesh.

C'mon, bra. Your job isn't that hard. I pay good money for you, and all you have to do is hold the boob. That's it. That's your whole job. Do you have any idea how many guys a woman can find who would do that for free?

And you, boobs. How much technology do I have to invest in before I convince you to stay where I put you? I'm not a cheerleader, jackhammer operator, or professional jumping jack champion. I'm a writer. I spend the majority of my time in a decidedly sedentary state. Why can't you just go with it and sit still when I do?

Don't worry! You get more than ample attention just by virtue of the fact that you exist. You do not need to start doing tricks to get noticed, I promise. As a matter of fact, if you want to continue to enjoy the attention you do get, you're going to have to settle down.

I'm serious. Don't make me get the duct tape.

Understood?

56 comments:

Mrs.Mayhem said...

I've found that duct tape works wonders with errant boobs.

Nicole said...

An excellent lecture.

Bethany said...

I laugh when my bf has to adjust his junk. hehe.

I dont think out of place boobs happen to me much, but with the last bra I had, if I bent over, they'd fall out. lol

TheFrogBag said...

It is for exactly this reason that I had to go shopping and ended up dropping almost $100 on clothing hardly anyone gets to see. It worked, but my book buying budget certainly took a hit. Ungrateful woman flesh! Booo!

Marina said...

Good luck with your speech getting some results....boobs are rebels, they don't listen, they want to go where they want to go, I stopped fighting and spend most of my days adjusting and attempting to tame these "creatures".......
it's exhausting....

kmkat said...

Damn boobs. More bother than they are worth, especially if one knows there ain't no way in hell they will ever be needed again for breastfeeding.

pattypunker said...

all the best racks out there are held in place with duct tape. so i hear.

InspiredDreamer said...

My biggest problem is just making sure they're not pointed in different directions if it gets cold out. :)

Have an Extraordinary Day!

Audubon Ron said...

What a bitch.

Me: I’m all Dick, her she comes. Stand!! Sit!! Roll Over!! Get out of the shower we’re hanging massive!! Waggle!! Wiggle!! Shit, not even the Magnum can hold us. We’re going in raw.

Dick: What are we going to do boss?

Me: Okay everybody, exhale! Good work everyone, we’re in. We’re in.

Dick: Do we get margaritas?

Me: Depends. She’s all, “Oh, that feels good.”

Me: Good work boyz.

I’m all: Tell me that’s good dick.

She’s all: That’s good dick.

Me: Call Expedia boyz, we’re going to Disneyland. Mission accomplished. Call Houston.

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

Yup! Know exactly what you mean! At my age, my boobs are everywhere except where they should/used to be. I figure that once you get in your mid 50's, they should come off. Or shrunk; maybe some at-home laser type thingie that we could buy over the counter.

Gaelyn said...

I'm thinking duct tape is the answer.

Eva Gallant said...

I DO love reading your posts! lol

Brian Miller said...

a similar thing happens with men...and the thought of using duct tape is really scaring me...

Julianna Cannon said...

At last we know Victoria's secret.

:p

Hilary said...

Mine tend to behave and stay where told, for the most part. But thanks for keeping us.. umm... abreast of yours. ;)

Rita said...

Duct tape! Too scary for me. I think I'll just continue to lift and tuck and slap them in place on occasion while I wonder how these appendages could have been so small and pert all those years before pregnancy. ;)

mythopolis said...

Personally, I think misplaced boobs are cute, depending on the manner in which they are misplaced. While women are trying to keep them in...men are always wondering how to get them out. I enjoy watching infomercials for the Ahh Bra very much. Oh, and who can forget Kramer's marvelous invention on Seinfeld, The Bro, for men, Houdini's amazing stunt of helping some gal out of her chastity belt, and Darwin's theory of bra evolution? Ain't life grand?

Myrna R. said...

I'm all for freedom - just go braless. No concerns about constrictions, the girls just bounce and frolic.

Kev D. said...

Try keeping your balls in place.

Cathryn said...

My husband swears by duct tape. His motto is "Have duct tape--will travel!" Love this post! My boobs did the job they were designed to do--nurse my child when he was a mere babe. Now why don't they behave for me now????

haphazardlife said...

Errant boobs? I wish.

Mine are too small to err anywhere.

- Jazz

nitebyrd said...

Sometimes it's like they have a mind of their own. Seriously, where the hell are they trying to escape to? And why?

ellen abbott said...

I totally can not relate (being so small breasted that I gave up bras long ago, it was like putting a bandaid on a mosquito bite) but I did laugh.

Brandy Rose said...

I just had a thought of ripping duct tape off my boob,...doesn't seem like much fun...

blueviolet said...

Call yourself lucky that you have enough in those cups to shift around!

Jenners said...

Don't get me started on misbehaving boobs!!

Though I did read the first half of the post thinking "books" not "boobs," which made for an odd experience.

linlah said...

double stick tape works too.

nick said...

Wandering boobs, huh? As long as they don't wander too far and set out for the shops without you.

Deanna said...

ROFLMAO! This one hit my funny button. My left boob is scared to misbehave. I threaten to have it lopped off like I did my right one. Very effective. Ok, a little lame breast cancer humor. Keep writing - you make my day! Your titles are wild.

Mama Zen said...

You are too funny!

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT832 said...

Before my surgery, my boobies looked like Orangutan tits. Those sneaky devils would play peek a boo with my belly button by slipping out from underneath the under-wire in my bra. Thank god for plastic surgeons ;)

...louciao... said...

Have either or both decided they'd like to head south yet? There's just no stopping them once they get going. Hopefully, they'll send you a postcard from time to time.

Buckeroomama said...

Yeah, you tell them!

OR go bra-less instead. TOTAL freedom. ;p

injaynesworld said...

Yeah, what's with them anyway? They're like squirmy kids in the back seat of a car shouting "Are we there yet?" Where do they think they're going? Thanks so much for speaking out on this most important issue.

Walker said...

I don't know, in the boob's defense I would say, who the hell wants to be restrained and oppressed unless of course it's volentary.
It might just want a little freedom but then again, how do we know some hot hunk of man flesh didn't walk by making your heart leap against your chest so hard you pop one out of its pocket and are now pointing the finger at an innocent boob?

nursemyra said...

Am I the only one who has well behaved breasts?

The Blue Zoo said...

I have this problem ALL THE TIME... lol

Megan said...

Every fucking hour of every fucking day. I should not have to spend so much time looking down, is all I'm saying.

Verity Vaudeville said...

Unruly boobs. Yes I've had that before. In public places is the worst, although I guess it's not as bad as your trousers falling down. And really what are us girls spending so much money on lingerie per year for them to just do what they want anyway haha. Duct tape or 'tit' tape as they call it should sort you out.

Friko said...

This just isn't good enough.
I need to know details, ie the relevant location of the boob, the movement itself, the before and after pictures, the garment meant to old the boob upright, eh, confined.

So, in order not to miss subsequent revelations I am going to need to follow you. Please do the same for me, even if I can't retaliate suitably. (My boobs generally behave well, they aren't big enough to show much wanderlust.

Friko said...

hold, silly woman, hold.

CB said...

You're blog won't let me follow you bitch!!!!

Aunt of 14 said...

Oh! That is definitely parallel to when a man's dick is misplaced!! Dang.

So, why do people generally ignore men when they adjust their "junk" but women get stared at when they try to adjust their boob?

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

The fine staff of Lady Grace told me I had to "lift them up in in" because my boobs weren't going to it themselves. Turns out that was sage advice!

BLOGitse said...

yes, yes, yes I do understand!
Greetings from Helsinki, Finland! Back to Casablanca (no snow!) tomorrow... :)

Linda Medrano said...

I find that bra's are either designed for comfort (ugly in other words) or for style (cute and delicate). Unfortunately, the stylish ones don't come in a 40 "C" cup. My bra's look more like orthopedic apparatus. If I can find a cute one, at least one boob falls out of it at least once a day. I do wear the cute and stylish ones to church. It gives men in the congregation something to be grateful for.

....Petty Witter said...

A conversation I also have on a daily basis though, sad but true, I'm way beyond the point when duct tape is of anu use.

Nessa said...

At first, I read BOOKS.

I hate when this happens which is way too often. Boob misalignment that is although I hate mis-reading too.

Nari said...

I don't know if your boobs have always been unruly but mine, back in the good ol' days, were extremely obedient and very disciplined. (really, you could hear them saying, bra-shma...we're good on our own)

Now, however, it's like they've turned into teenagers, doing whatever they want to do and with an attitude too.

Hmmm...as I notice my 18 yr old's well behaved boobs, I'm beginning to think...hey, give those back!

Emmy said...

Lol! This post is awesome. Right now my boobs are hardly my property, they are my baby's. So they seem to do whatever they want

Donna @ The House on the Corner said...

I know I took your message to heart. I've been sitting very still since I finished read your post!!

secret agent woman said...

When you're bending over, I get. But how does it happen otherwise?

urbandon (Don Pezzano) said...

Oh, I thought womens breasts had a mind of their own. That' why guys talk to them.

Chelle said...

Thankfully my boobs stay mostly where I put them.

Mostly.

The Zadge said...

I don't think anyone would even notice if one my small B-cups wandered away.

Ginger said...

Duct tape it is for those errant attraction mongers. Thankfully mine respect their almost non existence...

You are one funny blogger!

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