Friday, February 19, 2010

With the budget I had it's a miracle this title even got made.

Okay, I have now finally been to see James "I'm just going to keep killing stuff until you cry" Cameron's monster tree pull and cat shoot. It was very shiny. It was also almost three hours long. Still didn't even manage to make a dent in my concession stand fountain drink, though. I think Cameron would have to pick off every single card carrying member of the screen actor's guild one by one to buy me enough time to hit the bottom of one of those wax paper buckets.

I always buy one, though. Not so much because I want one as because I would feel deprived if I didn't. Same goes for candy. Yesterday the early show we'd arrived for had been sold out, and we spent the bulk of the two hours waiting for the next showing at a mall food court. By the time we arrived at the theatre there was barely enough room in my pants for both me and all of the mall pizza I'd just consumed, and the top layer of my tongue had been stripped raw by the sugar in the pop I'd washed it down with. It took a truly admirable force of will to get me to that concession stand, I tell ya, but I made it. Only the weak skip dessert, and as far as I'm concerned if I don't have a bag of chocolate between my knees I don't have any business even being in a theater seat.

Yeah, not really a popcorn fan. Wasn't before last night, definitely not one now after spending three hours sitting behind someone who liberally sprinkled hers with a seasoning that smelled uncannily like the least adorable part of my dog. Fortunately the people behind me weren't eating anything too obnoxious, or perhaps I just couldn't smell it over the sound of their kicking the back of my seat. I appreciate that sentence didn't actually make sense, but I really wanted to work the fact that they kicked the back of my seat for three hours into this post and that's the best I could come up with. Yes I will get over it, I just need to work through it in my own time, that's all.

No, of course I didn't complain. I sat there and took it like a Canadian, dammit.

Am I still allowed to say that? Judging from the ad I saw before the movie, the licensing rights to Canadian patriotism have been purchased by the Coca-Cola company. Evidently their market research department has concluded that the most effective way to inspire patriotism in Canadians is to scream "He shoots he scores!" in our faces repeatedly until, one would apparently logically conclude, it makes us thirsty. Then for a finale they finished things off with a veiled dig at America. Oh yes they did! They told Canadians to remind the world where hockey came from. Okay, giant American corporation, I will! Right after I finish my Pepsi. Ideally I'd bundle up my spite scented brand loyalty and dedicate it to a Canadian brand of pop instead, but that's just not a practical option. Canadian pop is called "beer", and drinking it requires the taking of public transportation. In this part of Canada taking the bus requires five layers of clothing and the social calendar of a comatose ninety year old to be a workable proposition. Also they don't let you fiddle with the temperature controls and get really snarky when you sing along to the radio at the top of your lungs. I can't behave that well in a moving vehicle when I'm sober. They're simply asking too much of me.

Then when they got up to leave they leaned on my hair. The people behind me, I mean. At the movie. Yeah I was kind of hoping a smoother opportunity to work that in would present itself before I finished writing this thing, but I'm out of ideas and still have healing to do.

39 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

Sounds like a fun time at the movies. Reminds me why I don't go. Thank goodness for Netflix!

TheFrogBag said...

Yeah, 3 hours seemed like a long time to spend with that many strangers, even on such a shiny planet.

Where the Fur Flies said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Where the Fur Flies said...

I always get M&Ms at the movies. Plain, with no peanuts. That way, I can throw them (seemingly randomly) at the people around me who get annoying. M&Ms are light enough not to do injury, but hard enough to make a point.

cinner said...

You know I love coming here, maybe because were fellow Canadians, that and your darn funny/ take care. have a great weekend.

My name is PJ. said...

Dog butt seasoned popcorn. Really unappetizing...even to imagine.

Three hours with a Cameron flick. I have to be honest, I'm probably the only American who thought Titanic was awful. I'm not sure I'm up to another of his blockbusters!

Brian Miller said...

lol. dont you love a good trip to the movies...we had popcorn that taste like salmon oil once...i think it was the butter, or butter substitute..or what the attendant did to the butter after that snarky customer. anyway...

nick said...

Funny, I prefer watching a film without any food accompaniment, it disturbs my concentration. Popcorn in particular I can't stand. In any case I'm far too genteel to munch my way noisily through a bag of nibbles disturbing everyone around me.

I have been known to savour an ice cream in a theatrical intermission, despite it usually being about three times the ticket price. Captive audience, greedy bastards etc etc.

Jazz said...

That pretty much wraps up why I almost never go to the movies anymore.

Bucksome said...

Did you like the movie? I loved it and went in thinking I wouldn't like it at all.

My husband has to have popcorn whenever we go to the theatre even if we just pigged out somewhere.

I personally like to go with the Milk Duds. There's something about sitting there getting it all stuck in my teeth I can't resist.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Oh, honey! Are you better yet? It may take a while... try meditation. That's the only thing that I can think of to help with this situation. OK, that and massive amounts of alcohol. Either or both at the same time. You choose. ;-)

secret agent woman said...

I rarely go to the theater to see a movie for just those reasons! I watched a movie tonight (The Invention of Lying) and had a beer, popcorn with a little olive oil and some Chocolove dark chocolate with raspberries.

Pam said...

Luckily I pay a bazillion dollars for cable and can never ever justify going to the movies.

Megan said...

My sister was asking me the other day if I was going to go in on this year's Oscar pool, and I had to confess to her that I am still at least three years behind. I can barely remember the Crash controversy. It won something, right? Jeez, I live within spitting distance of Hollywood, for crying out loud!

Going to the movies is like a trip to Disneyland used to be. And these days, to afford Disneyland you gotta win the lottery.

But there's no inflation. Ohs nos...

Skye said...

See, and this is why I don't go to the movies. They cost too much, the people around are far too annoying, and I don't like pop. Much prefer Canadian pop aka BEER! :D After all, I AM CANADIAN

dogimo said...

I love the "moviegoing public" theater experience! You've done an incredible job here of bringing the whole thing home in one post. Do Canadian theatergoers really do the seat-back kick? I thought for sure that was us and u.s. alone. Well, I'm sad to hear it.

Holy cow, what an asininely misaligned ballset Coke Corp must have to try to pitch itself to you Canadiens on patriotism! Jeez, man. And now I feel like they're going behind my back and talking bad about this Land Of Ours, somehow. I'm surprised they stopped at Hockey, given - wasn't James Naismith Canadian? Sure! That's Hockey and Basketball. Score 2 out of the major 4 sports for Parts North.

Well anyhow! I don't mean to rail about your merely Canadian virtues, tattytiara. It wasn't O Canada who designed that carnation-haloed demon pig! And Gretzky could never have written this post.

Guillaume said...

Funny, my wife and I went to see Avatar last Friday too.

Thanks for stopping on my blog and commenting, by the way. Where/how did you find it?

Gaston Studio said...

I can put up with bad popcorn... it's the talkers that drive me crazy!

Sarah P said...

*sigh* Even with that description, I want to go to the movies.

Mmmmm ... snow caps.

A dig at the U.S. for not inventing hockey? OK, we'll take that one.

JenJen said...

I'm afraid of catching a crawling critter from the seats. So? When we go I hang my jacket over the back, and toss it in the wash when we get home.

blognut said...

Now you know why I just can't stand going to the movies. Well, besides the fact that I can't sit still that long, anyway.

~dawn said...

And thus the reason I do not GO to the movies. I watch them at home, on my ginormous sectional that seats 10 comfortably, eating my own popcorn (24 bags for 5.00) and my theatre-size box of raisinets
(only 1.00 thank you very much) drinking black coffee or water - I AM trying to watch my weight- go down I mean.
Oh and about my Health post- we want to move SOUTH and will selling our house this spring. For you we ARE south. Interested? :)

Shana said...

I haven't seen Avatar... I don't *do* three hour movies. Mostly because I will inevitably have to go pee. And also? Three hours? Yeah. No.

For whatever reason, your comments about soda got me thinking about the commercials proclaiming the McDonald's Chicken Nugget as the Official Favorite Food of the Olympians, or some such. Which is awesome, because now my kid is insisting that SHE'S BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG! CHICKEN NUGGETS *REALLY ARE* GOOD FOR YOU!

LadyFi said...

Minus 25 C here today, so no public transport - well, a very very slow one... Everyone is staying at home to 'work' today.

I too always seem to get those people who kick the back of my chair at the cinema...

{ Persis Shah } said...

finally!...and there i was thinking that i was the only person on this planet who didnt enjoy his endless epic (and mind you i was raised watching 3 hour long bollywood cinema)of a movie.! (thanks to a fellow commentator here, i'm also not the only one who didnt like the titanic either!)
this truly is a relief to know considering all the accolade his movies gather.

great post...have a lovely day today!

persis
http://onestylemile.blogspot.com/

Susan said...

Oh wow that made me laugh, especially the Canadian bits. That was so funny. As far as movies go, I too hit the concession stand even though I dislike the too salty buttery popcorn and soda. You kind of feel naked without it and let's be real here, no one wants to see me naked at the movies :P

Nessa said...

We don't go to theaters much either. Way too many other people.

Mad Hatter

Robin said...

We always get a large popcorn with butter stuff..whatever it is..then feel sick afterwards...I still Love it though..for me candy once in a while....that movie was soooo long though...my bum hurt..even though I have a lot of cushioning..LOL..!

mo.stoneskin said...

They leaned on your hair, so you swung round and threw their popcorn wildly about in apoplectic rage. Right?

Kate said...

What? You don't just stand up and turn around and scream, "For the lovagod! Stop kicking my seat, you ingrates!" And then calmly sit back down and continue the movie?

Because that's what I do. And usually it's me that gets escorted out and not the seat kicker.

Sigh.

buffalodick said...

I rent.

JoeyRes said...

Like Eva, that post isn't making me miss the movies. We stick to the DVDs on the home tv. If anyone kids my seat, I'll make them stop for sure!

Unknown Mami said...

You should have farted. Do Canadians fart?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Your writing is awesome.

that is all.

Oh! And I hope you have a good week.

Oh and also? The whole movie theatre going experience sucks ass. You have to rely on too many rude people not to be rude.

CottageGirl said...

Hahahaa! you are a hoot, Tatty!

We were fortunate when we went to see Avitar. Popcorn was really pretty good ... but I gotta tell you .. I LOVE popcorn.

We also had a rather isolated seat, so we had no issues with noisy patrons like we've had in the past.

Thanks for the visit!

blurts said...

Wait, Coca-Cola has purchased the rights to Canadian patriotism too? I mean they're already the boss of us down here in the States and spend a lot of money reminding us we're wonderful.

If they're in charge of both countries, that gets them 2 votes in the UN. Pass the Pepsi.

otin said...

But did you like the movie?? I think that I could trust your review!

bernthis said...

then there was the woman next to me who stank like fucking ragweed. GRanted it was clearly perfume but I'm guessing she rolled in it and did not spray it on like most of usclo

linlah said...

I think "very shiny" is the best review of that movie I've ever read.

About Me

My Photo
Alberta, Canada
Quality blog entertainments delivered in a convenient, electronic format, and widely read by the sexiest, most intelligent, and wittiest people on the internet - all of whom practice exemplary personal hygiene.