Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The cheese grater in this title made a lot more sense when I was asleep.

I wonder if they'll ever invent remote controls for brains. Volume, brightness, rewind, pause, that kind of thing. It'd be so cool to be able to just change the channel on those arguments that we can't stop replaying in our heads. No, you still wouldn't be able to go back in time to the academic debate where your reasoning was challenged and use that decisive "Stupid stupid dumb head face!" counter argument you formulated after the fact. How much sweeter, though, to be able to simply delete the stupid stupid dumb head faces of the world forever right when they're in mid snide remark, and switch over instead to your twelfth birthday party when you freakin' owned that pinata, man? Zoom in on that and crank the surround sound. Pity party is over! It's a hooray for you party now!

The best part, though? The off switch. Click! Sound asleep. No muss, no fuss, no sharp blows to the skull. Just sweet, complete unconsciousness at the flick of a switch.

I know all the parents are with me on that one.

It goes without saying, though, that once we're adults the only person we'd want to be able to access our remote controls would be our own selves. It also goes without saying that the government would put an end to that idea pretty quick.

They'll say:

"Our nation can never truly be free as long as terrorists are allowed to turn their minds to the purpose of destroying democracy at will!"

And then we'll say:

"As far as I'm concerned as soon as you decide to be a terrorist you give up your right to control your own mind. After all, if you're going to try and prevent my freedom, why should you have any?"

And then before you know it:

"Well if you wait until after someone's blown up a building to take control of their minds it's a little late for it to do much good then, isn't it? Besides, if you have nothing to hide you have no reason to care if the government controls your brain."

Leads to:

"If you don't support the government controlling your brain you don't really love your country, and if you don't love your country you're too dangerous to control a brain."

Not that we'd ever notice the government tinkering away in the back of our sub-consciousnesses anyway. Not with all the spam we'd be sifting through.

Well you didn't think it would be free, did you? Sure there'll probably be a basic install package available for a low, one time fee. One that lets you taste the possibilities but not truly indulge in them. Once you're dependent on the thing, though, nothing will slow the march of profit. You want to finish reliving that first kiss? Sure - right after this message from Gum, now with icyhotsonicspicyfreshwinterweinerdoodleblastcoolness crystals!

Of course they'll be targeted ads. Google's algorithms are going to be snapping all over your synapses.

And of course parents would undoubtedly have to shell out for specific installs for school and different ones for after school activities and set up all kinds of different security codes and permissions. "Pause Kimmy for third period - she's not allowed any sex ed." The company you work for would likely be shoving something in there as well - at least a scrambler to block certain channels while you're on company time. Hey, you're not getting paid to miss your mommy, alright? People would definitely be frying their gray matter with cheap back alley bootlegs, too. Overall it'd be expensive and overstimulating, it'd be abused and become intrusive, basic human rights and freedoms would almost certainly become compromised and there would undoubtedly be a risk of severe and permanent brain damage.

But still - you could record your dreams like TiVo! Totally worth it!

45 comments:

♥ Braja said...

Hell, I'd vote for you.

Yvonne @ StoneGable said...

Hi, coming your way from SITS- I have read several of your posts- you have a very sharp wit and a clever pen! Certainly enjoyed my visit.
Yvonne

Jason, as himself said...

Wow! You've really thought this one through! I am impressed.

I think I would just be happy to have a mute button that I could use on anyone I wanted to. Without them knowing it was me muting them.

blognut said...

Yeah, okay. I'm in. Let's do it.

e said...

Hell, I've already got brain damage! This really cracks me up. You're a clever one indeed!

nick said...

On-off switches in the brain would be brilliant, they would solve an awful lot of problems. I could go back to sleep instead of lying awake for hours. I could be endlessly cheerful and constructive instead of (very oaccasionally, you understand) brusque and grumpy. You'd have to have very secure passwords though to avoid other people tampering with the controls. And if you were asleep, how would you switch your waking self back on?

You couldn't have parents and teachers flicking children's switches, that would be child abuse. You'd just have to teach your kids Responsible Switch Control.

Brian Miller said...

i am afraid of a fast forward button...

My name is PJ. said...

Where do I sign up!!!

And TiVo for dreams? Fabulous!

Nessa said...

Being able to record my dreams would be very cool and I'd love to have an off switch so I could get a decent night's sleep.

But don't tell the government I'm a terrorist.

A New Old Fairy Tale

Berowne said...

"But still - you could record your dreams like TiVo! Totally worth it!"

Especially if you could push "reverse" and get back to that dream of two Thursdays ago.

Robin said...

Did you see the movie Click...with Adam Sandler...It turned on him.... to be able to click on/off...but still there are times when I would love it..!

Eclipsed said...

Stopping by from SITS

I like how you've covered all your angles. I'd give half my salary for a remote that put my kid to bed no muss no fuss. Think of all the time I'd save from rocking her.

Buckeroomama said...

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a fast forward button for when the whining starts.

Where the Fur Flies said...

I was all for the ability to shut off one's brain... then you complicated it by thinking it through. I think I'll stick with my sleeping pills.

Cathryn said...

This was a loaded post. I actually had to stop and re-read parts of it because of the sly but subtle political innuendo. Clever girl!

Jazz said...

I like how your brain works.

Eva Gallant said...

Wow, Tatty! That was an amazing post! So creative and funny! I love the concept, and then the way you followed through with all the possible outcomes--very clever! I am humbled in the light of your outstanding talent.

buffalodick said...

Fast forward to week-ends, then use the pause button..

Grand Pooba said...

HAHAHA! Where do you come up with this stuff? Everytime I come here I am just in awe of how your brain works and am constantly racing to catch up with it!

Now I'm out of breath.

But I agree, totally worth it.

SmartBear said...

BRILLIANT! I would settle for just a pause button. You know...like everything stops and I can get everything done and then "resume play" so that I am not constantly juggling things every second of my life! Great post girl!

f1trey said...

OMG the manual would piss me off and end up in the trash!

Skye said...

Hahahaaa, my confirm word is "recon"! That can be taken so many ways in regards to this post! After all, if we have remotes for our brains and the gov't controls it all, then a little recon is exactly what the doctor will order, isn't it?

blueviolet said...

Well, when you mentioned the Tivo dreams, I was in!

Susan said...

Tattytiara your writing is out of this world. How often have I been right there? Sure wish I had a remote control for that.

The Quintessential Magpie said...

That would be cool if you could record your dreams! I can't remember mine otherwise. Well, somtimes, maybe, but rarely.

XO,

Sheila :-)

Melissa B. said...

Trying to have a rational convo with the government. As if!

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

I LOVE two ideas here: Mute buttons, and DVRing your dreams! TOTALLY worth all the other unpleasant stuff!!

Thanks for the smile!

Fragrant Liar said...

I want my own remote with TIVO for while I sleep so when I wake up, I can watch what I missed. I hate missing out on anything. Plus, I can fast-forward through the annoying but well-meaning advice.

Gucci Mama said...

It's, like, the blog post that Dale Gribble would write. Solid. Gold.

Erika said...

Clever post.....

Thanks for the stop-by and he does look like a bobble head, never thought of it before.

JenJen said...

I would love to record my dreams...and of course preview them prior to sharing with anyone, of course.
There are some not so clean things going on in there...

LadyFi said...

Brilliant idea and writing! There's only one drawback and that's that I would always be losing the dang remote control! Along with my keys...

Unknown Mami said...

At first I was all excited, but this really took a turn for the creepy. Forget it, brain TIVO is not worth it.

dawn said...

coming at ya from SITS...

I was with you until it cost money... If I want to delete someone I can wait til I have alzheimer's for free!

Great post btw... keep it up!

Secretia said...

I'd like to pre-order a brain remote!

Secretia

Mama Wheaton said...

I'd still want one if for only to go to sleep at night instead of having my brain running in a hamster's wheel.

legendswife said...

Heck, if they invented a remote control for brains, I'd probably still lose mine:)

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Oh you're so clever , ideed.
And I'm in!
Hope your having a great day.
Betty xx

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Neat post.... I wish we did have a remote for our brains.. Even though I'm retired now and don't have the typical stresses of life, I would love to remember my dreams. I had a friend who studied dreams --and she is convinced they really are telling us something... IF I remember my dreams (I usually don't), they don't seem to make alot of sense to me...

I'd also love that OFF button at nights --since hubby goes to sleep immediately and I wind down slowly.

I would also love to turn the brains of our govt. OFF --and keep them OFF... ha...

Thanks for visiting my blog. Come back anytime. I love your writing. SO creative.
Hugs,
Betsy

Kate said...

Good Lord. My brain would explode if I had so many choices. I would put myself on constant unconscious.

cabin + cub said...

I work on the computer so much, sometimes I have caught myself saying "Undo" in my brain to try and undo something I had just done in real life. Yah.... it's time like these, that I realize I should really take more computer breaks! ;)

Supergreensunbear said...

Hehe, I like it! Not sure about the government, they'll probably just have a thought tax. I'd be more worried about companies getting a hold of me re-living the memories of sports events... I would be broke!

I Wonder Wye said...

I'm with Jason, I want a mute button I can use. I have trained myself to remember my dreams. Recording then would be cooler, though.....

Rebecca said...

Wow - had thought TiVo for the brain would be fun, but I haven't thought through the consequences like you have. Now I'm scared. I'm scared of the possibility. Yet, I'm still excited about the idea of TiVo for my brain. Hmmm... delete would be nice. So would volume control.

secret agent woman said...

You got me at the "off" switch for sleep!

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