Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Well there's this title written for another year, anyway.

Is it over? Is it safe to come out yet?

I'm not cynical. I just have a low threshold for festivity.

Yes, I'm glad Christmas is over. I can get from one end of a mall to the other without bruising, nobody's trying to feed me from bowls of indeterminate content (scary when you're given a vague description like "stuffing", terrifying where gelatin is involved), and nothing's going to show up in the mail that makes me feel guilty that I haven't sent anything. Well, except perhaps the credit card bill.

The whole getting together and bonding and giving me presents is great, sure. I'll also readily acknowledge that the insanity of Christmas is probably the only thing that keeps everybody, myself included, sane over the winter. Never mind what your local not-for-profit billboard campaign says, that's the real reason for the season. Whatever your religious beliefs, you know you'd need something to celebrate in the middle of winter whether there was a faith based holiday or not. It gives us a focus to keep us from fixating on how far away spring is. That's especially important for people whose ancestors didn't think to ask "wait a minute, if they're giving away the land for free, what's the weather like up there in this Canada place?" If we didn't distract ourselves by trampling one other at the toy store and having heaving crying fits over half thawed turkeys in December we'd be running naked and cackling into the snow drifts by February.

Instead of March.

Admittedly I'm just not jolly by nature, but in truth I think my real problem with Christmas is that it reminds me of winter. Why on earth would I want ornaments and greeting cards featuring snow all over the house when I can just step outside and festively freeze to death for realsies in less than five minutes, or under two if I forget to wear a *toque? I don't want poinsettias and evergreens, I want dandelions and crab grass. I want barbecues and beers, not roasted beasts and mulled stuff. Winter I've already got. Make me a better offer, or I'm just not buying that it's a holiday.

Again, though, and I can't stress this enough: please don't anybody interpret any of this to mean that you shouldn't give me presents. I wouldn't want to ruin your gift giving holiday, after all.

*Canadian knitted head wear often featuring a pom pom to assist in the locating of frozen Canadian corpses in deep snow.

37 comments:

♥ Braja said...

That's nice of the Canadians....to want to even FIND frozen corpses in the snow....

Fire Byrd said...

Oh yes I'm with you. I hate bloody winter, and we have it nowhere as bad as you here in the north of England, but it still annoys me. But then not that keen on hot summer either..... Give me a balmy spring day and I'm a happy bunny.
Wishing you Happy hot spots over new year!
xx

secret agent woman said...

This is why I think we ought to push Christmas ahead a month to the end of Jabuary. It isn't cold enough now ot even need the holida, but after another month of winter I will want a distraction.

Brian Miller said...

ah, spring...i look forward to your warm kiss...

Eva Gallant said...

Loved that--and I'm right with you!

f1trey said...

hehehe oh its cold here too darlin! XXX OOO

Keith (Mindless Pursuits) said...

That's especially important for people whose ancestors didn't think to ask "wait a minute, if they're giving away the land for free, what's the weather like up there in this Canada place?"
-----------

That made me smile big this morning. :)

Being from frozen Minnesota, I truly appreciate your winter! Stay warm!

cinner said...

Well from one Canadian to the other...what were they thinking?I just said yesterday I think I need to move somewhere where the sun shines more. I am sure everyone up here has that Seasonal Disorder. I know I crave the sun. Keep your chin up my friend. Spring will come, just not as quickly as we want it to.

Picture Imperfect said...

This post made me LOL from start to finish.

As a fellow Canuck, and fellow Christmas-hater (ok ok I don't hate it either but have the same issues with it that you do...)... I raise my pint in your direction.

It's supposed to go to -27 here tomorrow. Better remember my toque. I'll be arriving at the NYE party in my sorrels with my dancing shoes in a bag. Does it *get* any more Canadian than that? lol

Cheers!

AngelMay said...

Had not thought of such a clever way to identify Canadian corpses in the snow until reading your post.

gayle said...

I guess I am lucky I am not as cold as you!!

Amy said...

This was very funny. It's totally true too. Just a way to make us suckas who live in the cold forget it's winter for 35 seconds.

Leah said...

Oh what will I give to experience snow. I'm in the very humid Manila.

Happy New Year! xoxo

beth said...

are we related ?
I feel the same way about christmas/winter/snow/cold etc. and you spelled it all out fabulously well for others to read !!!

Megan said...

Ha! I like your style.

Ron said...

please don't anybody interpret any of this to mean that you shouldn't give me presents.

Bwhahahahhahahaha!

OMG...I LOVE your humor!

I know I'm in the minority here, but I actually love Winter. But don't worry, you'll definitely hear me bitching about Summer. That's when I'll be suffering and you'll be smiling.

Sincerely,
Mr. Penguin

LadyFi said...

Hilarious! As for the knitted headgear - we have a lot of that here in frozen Sweden too!

Buckeroomama said...

LOL! Tuques are for finding frozen corpses in the snow... bwahahaha! I have to share this with hubby. I've never heard of the word tuque before until I met my husband who's from Canada. Although where he's from is not as cold as where you are, I think.

Captain Dumbass said...

Don't worry, it'll be over before you know it.

From the (relatively) warm and snowless corner of Canada.

The Things We Carried said...

Oh, you make me laugh :)! Now lean in real close so I can whisper a little something in your ear... MERRY CHRISTMAS :) Bwhahaha!

Happy New year!

nick said...

Ho ho ho! I do share your Christmas jadedness, the whole thing is way over the top. And yes, why all the Christmas decorations when you can get the same stuff by stepping outside? My pet aversion is all those front-door wreaths. Firstly, they remind me of funerals and secondly, if they mean Happy Christmas why not just say it to everyone?

....Petty Witter said...

Not meaning to overload you with festivities, I just wanted to wish you and yours all the best for 2010

M@ said...

FIVE....GOLDEN...TOQUES!!!! From Bob and Doug McKenzie's 12 days of xmas - http://aetherealforge.com/~aeon/humor/12days.shtml

funny stuff here, have to come back and read more.

I totally agree tho, I am so glad it's done and the only reason I'm celebrating tonight is because it's my anniversary. 15 years...wow

Carol said...

Christmas comes too soon in the winter for my liking. I could see breaking up the months of Jan, Feb or March with a big ass holiday.

Couture Carrie said...

I love winter but by February I am ready to be done with it, too!

Happy New Year's Eve!

xoxox,
CC

Cocotte said...

I hate winter. I hate crowds. Yup to what you said.

The Blonde Duck said...

Have a wonderful new year! I'm sick of winter as well--ours is mild compared to the rest of the world, I'm sure, but it's been uncharacteristically cold and gloomy!

linlah said...

I'm not admittedly jolly by nature on the outside but I'm a raging party on the inside.

Queenie Jeannie said...

I probably only find this funny because it doesn't snow here. Please don't hate me and take back those cuss words you just said, lol!!!

Happy New Year and thank you for visiting on my special SITS day!!

Jason, as himself said...

Me too. Me...too...

Traci said...

As a Southern girl, I am completely enamored with the snow and all the things that go with it. So sorry, I'm part of the reason that you are inundated with images of it. I guess it is because it is so rare here.

I hope that 2010 is a terrific year for you, full of fun, happy surprises, and joy. :-)

Menopausal New Mom said...

Oh Cute! Yes, I can relate to the crowded malls, big line ups at the post office and of course, the guilt when I get something from someone I wasn't expecting. Lots of fun and games but hey,like you said, it keeps us focused away from the long dreary Winter ahead!

Joanie M said...

One of these years, and I hope it's sooner rather than later, I'd like to experience a tropical Christmas and see how I like that.

JenJen said...

I'm with Joanie. I want a tropical Christmas!

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

I just hate winter ,too!But I just love your blog!!!
Thanks for your kind comments on my blog.I really appreciate it.
All the very best for 2010!
:)

e said...

I had tropical christmas seasons growing up and they were still over the top!

Happy 2010!

carma said...

It's in the 30's here tonight which is positively miserable in my book!!! Hang in there 'til Spring. Maybe you'll get some more presents to add to the distraction....

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