Friday, March 25, 2011

I dreamt I was the editor of Vogue magazine, and when I woke up this title was written on the dog in lipstick.

What Your Sleeping Position Reveals About You

Fetal Position: You are *completely normal.

Fetal Position - Tight Curl: You really need to start meeting those payments.

Face Up, On Back: Your boobs hurt.

Face Down, On Stomach: You apparently have the ability to breathe through your ears.

Center of the Bed: The only reason you have a personals ad is to get your mom off your back.

Head Under the Covers: Monsters are trying to eat you.

Extreme Edge of Mattress: You own a cat.

Extreme Edge of Mattress, Legs Tucked: You own a cat and a dog.

Diagonal, Head at Top of Bed: Rebel

Diagonal, Head at Bottom of Bed: Drunk

Sitting: You have three people on hold, all rebooting their computers.

Standing: You are a horse.

Hanging: Hope you've got some pillows under you for when your legs fall asleep there, goth boy.

While Having Sex: You are a new parent.

With Your Shoes On: You are forgetful.

Arms Curled Protectively Around Head: You are sleeping with my boyfriend.

Flailing Wildly: You are my boyfriend.

*extremely repressed

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Why does this title have drool on it, Max?

12 Ways My Dog Outsmarts Me

1) Waiting until I'm distracted and then asking for a second dinner.

2) Withholding poo to get multiple walks.

3) Annoying a cat just enough to make it complain, then asking for a belly rub when I come to investigate.

4) Sleeping in front of the door so that I have to reach the grocery bags in and set them, unguarded, directly in front of him - leaving him alone in the house with a week's worth of food while I attempt to turn into smoke and pour myself through the keyhole.

5) Not breaking the "no touching my food" rule, but breathing so heavily on it that I don't want it any more and give it to him anyway.

6) Rushing over to sit next to house guests when I give him a command he doesn't want to follow. Yes, it always works.

7) Waiting until I'm too immersed, wet, and slippery to effectively chase him away before playing "what things from the recycling bin float in bath water?"

8) Knowing that when he escapes from the yard the time to lay down, scream for somebody to dial the humane society and refuse to budge unless I let go of his collar is not when I first catch him, but always and only when we're in the exact middle of crossing the street on our way home.

9) Substituting the stuffed toys that I have restricted from his diet with my socks.

10) Aggressively farting until I break down and buy the expensive dog food.

11) Picking up his food dish to act as an amplifier when he feels his barking is not being adequately heard.

12) Convincing me utterly that I absolutely positively need to have 100 pounds of shedding, barking, mouth breathing, toxic farting, thieving, manipulative dog flesh on hand at all times.

Monday, March 7, 2011

It's my title. I called dibs!

How not to be mom's favorite:

Step One: Be born almost a full month late. Bonus points for waiting until the highways are all but impassible from winter storms if your family lives in a town without a hospital.

Step Two: Develop a penchant for disrobing publicly.

Step Three: Use new-found powers of speech to inform any and all friends and relatives trying to feed you that their food is "disgusting".

Step Four: Demand constantly, for a full year, that the family move into a camping trailer permanently.

Step Five: Throw a tantrum about being taken to kindergarten.

Step Six: Throw a tantrum about being taken home from kindergarten.

Step Seven: Paint the cat. Not a picture of the cat. The cat.

Step Eight: Paint the dog. With Cheez-whiz.

Step Nine: Sell all of your toys. And most of your brother's.

Step Ten: Be the only girl in the whole school clever enough to find pictures of naked people in school library books, and distribute widely with lascivious intent.

Step Eleven: Repeat step ten after being transferred to a christian school.

Step Twelve: Demand a trumpet. Play it enthusiastically and often. Never learn any actual songs.

Step Thirteen: Develop large breasts early and a willingness to wear a bra late.

Step Fourteen: Demand all of the privileges of young adulthood. Accept none of the responsibilities.

Step Fifteen, and this is crucial: Have a sibling that does none of the above.

Sneaky bastard!

Friday, March 4, 2011

You've probably never heard of this title.

My next roommate will definitely not be a White Rhinoceros. I had fun until the novelty wore off and everything - having a rhinoceros for a roommate was more ironic than pipe smoking and sweater vests combined. Eventually, though, there are only so many fake mustaches and crocheted kitty ears you can put on the thing before you realize that actually? Doing the same things everybody else is doing is still doing the same things everybody else is doing, even if you are doing them to a White Rhinoceros.

So now I'm stuck with a used White Rhinocerous to unload. I'll never get book price for the thing - you can totally see where all the mustache glue left a mark - and I can only sell it on Etsy if I taxidermy it first. A lot of extra work, but at least there I stand to make extra on the deal if I throw in all the leftover mustaches. Of course they're handmade!

Anyway, once it's gone that's it. No more rhinos. It was a stupid, shortsighted and entirely wrong thing to do. But it was my idea. I do just want to say that. I did it first. Nobody else had rhinos when I got mine. Now it's like everybody has one.

Seriously. Rhinos are just so corporate now.

Frankly I'm getting tired of looking so desperate to be trendy anyway. Once I do unload the thing I'm just going to take the money and spend it getting dreads.

Oh don't roll your eyes at me! I'm not that obvious. Yeah, I'm getting dreads, but get this - I'm also getting a mullet.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Did you actually see me write this title? No? Then you can't actually prove I did, can you?

Raise Your Hand!

Bought yourself Valentine's Candy. On sale. On February 15th.

Say the same things about current music that your parents said about your music.

Defied the five second rule.

Literally sat in the dark pretending not to be home until they went away.

Use "I can't afford it" as a euphemism for "I'd rather spend the money on myself".

Are the only person on the road at any given time who knows how to drive.

Did/drank/ate it knowing full well it was going to make you vomit.

Take lots of pennies. Have never, ever left a penny.

Don't believe in astrology, do check your horoscope.

Dress out of the laundry hamper.

Play funhouse when people leave their prescription lenses unattended.

Took two when it clearly said take one.

Use your sleeve.

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Alberta, Canada
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