Friday, March 4, 2011

You've probably never heard of this title.

My next roommate will definitely not be a White Rhinoceros. I had fun until the novelty wore off and everything - having a rhinoceros for a roommate was more ironic than pipe smoking and sweater vests combined. Eventually, though, there are only so many fake mustaches and crocheted kitty ears you can put on the thing before you realize that actually? Doing the same things everybody else is doing is still doing the same things everybody else is doing, even if you are doing them to a White Rhinoceros.

So now I'm stuck with a used White Rhinocerous to unload. I'll never get book price for the thing - you can totally see where all the mustache glue left a mark - and I can only sell it on Etsy if I taxidermy it first. A lot of extra work, but at least there I stand to make extra on the deal if I throw in all the leftover mustaches. Of course they're handmade!

Anyway, once it's gone that's it. No more rhinos. It was a stupid, shortsighted and entirely wrong thing to do. But it was my idea. I do just want to say that. I did it first. Nobody else had rhinos when I got mine. Now it's like everybody has one.

Seriously. Rhinos are just so corporate now.

Frankly I'm getting tired of looking so desperate to be trendy anyway. Once I do unload the thing I'm just going to take the money and spend it getting dreads.

Oh don't roll your eyes at me! I'm not that obvious. Yeah, I'm getting dreads, but get this - I'm also getting a mullet.

50 comments:

Jazz said...

Rhinos, the new tattoo.

Brian Miller said...

i kinda like rhinos...and dreads...really i want dreads...already tried the mullet...

Deborah said...

LOL ... you're delightfullu nuts! :o)

jaerose said...

What a fantastic site..absolutely right in your other posting hamsters (and ratties) are just the best..thanks for visiting..Jae

Raven said...

I finally unloaded my rhino last week, for a third of book price. *sigh* But, I had no choice, it kept smashing the furniture, it always hogged the covers, and it ate me out of house and home.

You crack me up!

BlackLOG said...

Have you thought about breaking it up for spare parts – if “everybody” has one, as you say, there should be a fairly active market for spares…..

Alternatively you could spray it with spearmint and try and sell it as a lap dancing club .

Please note “as a” not “to a” I’m not sure there is much demand for a lap dance from a rhino, even a very sexy one (thinks of the sheep in suspenders in the woody Allen film – “Everything you wanted to know about sex”)

Deanna said...

How much do you want for your rhino? I'm a bit behind on these trends.

Have a wonderful weekend!!

Audubon Ron said...

Nonsense, I had a rhino long before you were born.

Rita said...

I got tired of cleaning up the kitchen floor after the tracking in of snow, rain, and mud--not to mention the hefty bags, wheelbarrow, and shovel I needed to trudge along behind him when I took him for a walk. Got rid of mine years ago. Traded him in for a hedgehog and never looked back. ;)

nitebyrd said...

I heard mullets are making a comeback.

I also heard that meerkats are the new rhinos. Smaller and easier to dress up.

Out on the prairie said...

I am surprised you have made it this long, after all Rhinos can be a little testy.LOL

laura b. said...

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. I bet no one's ever thought of THAT before!

HalfAsstic.com said...

Two things:
One- Your rhino is WHITE. That totally makes you sooo much cooler than all the other kids with their stupid old gray ones.
Two- I will pay the big bucks to see a pic of you with your dread-mullet.
PS Have you tried peanut butter to get that mustache glue off?

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

If you're gonna ride, don't ride the white horse. Ride the white rhino.

nick said...

I stupidly bought a giraffe during that big giraffe fad a few years back. Boy, was that a mistake. The number of times I had to repair the roof after it kept sticking its feckin head up. I'm still paying back the loans now. I had to sell it to one of those trendy restaurants that goes in for exotic meats. They were very pleased, they'd just run out of wombat and were desperate for something new.

mythopolis said...

OK...I have your solution. Saw the rhino horn off, and send the remaining carcass to a glue factory. Grind the horn up into powder and put this in digestible capsules to sell on E-bay as an aphrodesiac. You'll make a fortune. It even works, if it is a fake rhino. I sold fake rhino horn pills, and got glowing feedback from the users. I can't tell you how many times I was thanked and told, "Last night I had the best fake orgasm of my life!!"

MAB Jewelry said...

Maybe you could try a dreaded hedgie?

Shanae Branham said...

How fun! I had never thought of having a rhino as a roommate!

linlah said...

I've thought rhino's were more pedestrian than corporate.

Julie Musil said...

LOL, a mullet AND dreads? Holy cow! No one can compete with that. Maybe you'll start a trend, like leg warmers on arms (as seen in GLEE).

secret agent woman said...

You know what you get when you cross and elephant with a rhinocerus? Elephino!

Gaelyn said...

Roomates are overrated!
Dreads sounds cool, not sure about the mullet. Guess I'll have to see it.

Jenners said...

I feel like I'm missing something here. Am I?

Eva Gallant said...

What ever you're drinking, pass it this way!

Jill said...

Just be you. That's all we can ask.

HumorSmith said...

I totally think they are great things not only to have but to be. I mean you never know what turns the conversation will be taking. Hell, half the time you can't even understand them, but they are funny.

Wait....did you say "wino" or "rhino"?

Forget it.

Al Penwasser said...

Nothing says sexy quite like a mullet with a mesh shirt that reveals your belly.
Unless it's a rhino in a thong.

Sarah P said...

I wonder if they make rhino sex toys for Furries.

...louciao... said...

Ah, the Dreaded Mullet. Will that be with or without a 'stache? If you could incorporate a Mohawk into the mix, you'd really have something going on. Have you thought of advertising your white rhino as a super-sized unicorn? It could go over big in the states.

nursemyra said...

Don't listen to Al. You'll never sell your rhino if you put it in a thong

Shrinky said...

Well of course, that's just YOUR side of the story - having just read the Rhino's blog, I fully understand why he served notice..

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

taxidermate that thing and I will get my arse back to Craftastrophe and mock the shizzle out of it and then someone will buy it for one MIIIIILION dollars and we can split the proceeds.

Cause that is totally legit.

Throw in a sippy cup and call it Charlie Sheen and we could totally buy an island full of half naked cabana boys. HUZZAH!

Diana said...

Forget the mullet, just get the dreads! How about you put the rhino outside on the side of the road? Surely something would happen to it!
Love Di ♥

Charlene said...

HA! Thanks for the chuckle! Rhinos. *snort*

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Just attach the rhino to your head. It would look better than the combined mullet/dreds.

Betsy said...

dreads and a mullet? You must post a photo! :) Thanks for visiting my blog! It's great to 'meet' you!

caz said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

injaynesworld said...

Whenever I visit I feel like Rob Reiner's mother in "When Harry Met Sally."

I'll have what she's having.

Then I say "damn genius bitch" and vow never to come back.

Then I think, okay I'll never be as funny as she is, but I bet she doesn't have a size 4 ass.

Then I feel better.

Kate said...

Rhino? I thought you were talking about Winos!
Keep the rhino..they really are the new black, even if they're white.
duh...winning!

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Hahaha I laughed so much! I am expecting photos of the dreads/mullet :p

Al Penwasser said...

@Sarah: or Furry Sex Toys for rhinos?
Maybe. I hear they get horny.
Oooh, sorry. That one was just too easy.

Jenner said...

I kind of want a giraffe. I want it to peek over the top of my house at me when I come home.

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

Would you rather...

Have a pet rhino the size of a hamster

or

a pet hamster the size of a rhino?

Sandra said...

lmao! I need to get "in the know!" I had no idea what you were talking about! Oh I know what dreads are, but that's about it. Have no idea that a rhinoceros is a home accessory.
It's ok to roll your eyes at me, my kids do it all the time.

Meri said...

One can never keep up! haha

Diane said...

Whatever you get next I can crochet something for it- LOL I added you to our blogroll. Check out Dead Guy and play with us!

sheila said...

Sounds destructive. Hope you duct taped everything down. :o)

Buckeroomama said...

Photos! Photos! Photos! Of the dreads/mullet. Oh, okay, of the white rhino, too.

mel said...

Did some of that pipe smoking stick with you? ha!

Kold_Kadavr_flatliner, sub/dude said...

Lookit ‘MySoulAccomplishment’ - God only gives bawls to those who see the need for humility. God blessa youse -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL [et c'est ca]

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