Monday, March 7, 2011

It's my title. I called dibs!

How not to be mom's favorite:

Step One: Be born almost a full month late. Bonus points for waiting until the highways are all but impassible from winter storms if your family lives in a town without a hospital.

Step Two: Develop a penchant for disrobing publicly.

Step Three: Use new-found powers of speech to inform any and all friends and relatives trying to feed you that their food is "disgusting".

Step Four: Demand constantly, for a full year, that the family move into a camping trailer permanently.

Step Five: Throw a tantrum about being taken to kindergarten.

Step Six: Throw a tantrum about being taken home from kindergarten.

Step Seven: Paint the cat. Not a picture of the cat. The cat.

Step Eight: Paint the dog. With Cheez-whiz.

Step Nine: Sell all of your toys. And most of your brother's.

Step Ten: Be the only girl in the whole school clever enough to find pictures of naked people in school library books, and distribute widely with lascivious intent.

Step Eleven: Repeat step ten after being transferred to a christian school.

Step Twelve: Demand a trumpet. Play it enthusiastically and often. Never learn any actual songs.

Step Thirteen: Develop large breasts early and a willingness to wear a bra late.

Step Fourteen: Demand all of the privileges of young adulthood. Accept none of the responsibilities.

Step Fifteen, and this is crucial: Have a sibling that does none of the above.

Sneaky bastard!

74 comments:

Gaston Studio said...

This is TOO funny! Love it!

Tabor said...

I did not have one of these...but my daughter may have!

Deborah said...

You are just hyserical, a total joy to read :o)

Coaster Punchman said...

Hmmm. Is this you, or do you have a daughter?

BamaTrav said...

and yet...you made it to adulthood. I didn't say grew up, just made it ;)

Brian Miller said...

haha...i want pics of the cat...bet that was an adenture getting it to sit still...

Gaelyn said...

Love it! Really made my morning, and I needed a good laugh. I was born in a snow storm, although not late. So if I'm anywhere it can possibly snow for my birthday, the end of March, it will.

Raven said...

Damn, I knew there was a reason I wasn't the favorite! btw, #11 is my fave!

Deanna said...

When did you meet my youngest daughter?

You made me grin, as always.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Is any of this from experience? Laugh. I was this kid, except for the big boobs early part.

Love,

SB

Audubon Ron said...

You crack me up.

Rob K said...

Painting the dog with cheez whiz. Now why didn't I think of that?

Rita said...

The song--Born to Be Wild--is running thru my head... ;)

HalfAsstic.com said...

Right up until the end I thought you were talking about my daughters.
Does it help that you're MY favorite? ;-)

frigginloon said...

OK, so you are absolutely positive this will work?

mythopolis said...

tooo...toooo....FUNNY!!!

Saimi said...

Oh dear I think it's time to drown yourself in chocolate, it'll help take the edge off.

ladyfi said...

You are a hilarious genius!

Myrna R. said...

Undoubtedly, you had more fun than your sibling. This is really funny. I always visit here with anticipation of a laugh and I always get it. Thanks.

Chatty Crone said...

So this is the question - Were you one of your mom's favorite's or were you not?

Must be 'not mom's favorite' as you know all the steps!

Great post and lol.

Love, sandie

nick said...

And of course insist on wearing clothes usually associated with the opposite sex. Especially at weddings and funerals.

laura b. said...

I wouldn't know about any of that, being the favorite and all.

....Petty Witter said...

Steps 10 and 11 = my sister, step 13 = me.

Thanks for another very funny post. We never got around to painting the cat, only dressing it in baby clothes which I suspect many others did as well.

Eva Gallant said...

I read somewhere that cheese whiz is good on a hot dog, but never thought of putting it on a real dog.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Sounds like you were a charming child much like my own;-)

Rhymetime(aka Pat) said...

hahaha painting the cat, I wouldn't like that.
That was another really funny post, although I wouldn't want to be the host.
That all those things happened too, then I might not find it as funny as I do.

Duncanr said...

Step Nine: Sell all of your toys. And most of your brother's

Are we related?

You sound like my sister !!!

karen said...

This is too funny!

mythopolis said...

Two mistakes you can make with parents:
1. Not love them enough.
2. Love them too much.

Hilary said...

Your poor parents! But no doubt you've always kept them laughing. ;)

Ziva said...

Damn, this is a little depressing; I think I might be the other sibling. I feel boring now. But luckily, this post was hilarious!

pattypunker said...

the brother may be mom's favorite, but i'd rather party with the sister.

Debra said...

Can't blame you for step five, but step six? That bad?

Matty said...

You sound like my wife. She did it all, and more.

secret agent woman said...

I'd say it's the sibling who isn't normal.

Jenners said...

Did I ever tell you that I love your mind? Your twisted devious hilarious mind? Well I do.

Kev D. said...

You know, all of these could apply to me or any of my brothers as well...
except the part about the breasts.

Unless we mean big honking man boobs at 12, in which case, I think I took care of that.

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Autobiographical? ;)

Don't forget stretch marks. Moms can lord that over you pretty good.

Antares Cryptos said...

:D
Then start a blog, tell everyone...

Now. Go hug your mom.

Cinner said...

I laughed and laughed, this made my night, now I feel too awake to go to sleep. guess I have to surf more...I would love to know where you come up with your ideas. they are awfully good ones all the time.

Rachel said...

How bad is it, that I as I read this, before I got to the end, I was mentally checking them off, "yep, my sister did ALL of these"?

And I apologize for the inordinate and vastly inappropriate number of commas in the previous sentence,,,,

Thanks for making me laugh on a rotten day :)

BLOGitse said...

What can I say?
Happy Women's Day! :)

Greetings again from Casa - our holiday in Australia was great but too short!

Nicky said...

How is it possible we're not related?

Diana said...

Great tips, I'll be sure not to show them to my teen daughter!!
Love Di ♥

linlah said...

Cheez-wiz is the most under-rated medium.

Ginger said...

#5,6,9 proudly :)
And I was mom's favourite too :p

nursemyra said...

Step 11 made me laugh the most

Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress said...

ohmyword, this is funny beyond words. okay, only funny because it hasn't happened in my household yet. but i'm tempting the fates, so i'm pretty sure it's going to start happening...at which point i may need to come back to you for support.

mrwriteon said...

You know, back in Christ's time when I was teaching school I loved kids like you. You had spunk and being unlike Lou Grant, I loved spunk. Still do.

Stephanie Faris said...

Wait...I thought moms didn't have favorites anyway. :-)

Megan said...

I'm not going to lay the whole "separated at birth" thing on you. But hey, it COULD have happened!

Diane said...

LOL Don't you know mothers love all their children equally? That's what we say anyway.

TheFrogBag said...

Haha! I love number 11. But my dog is very envious of the dog that was painted with cheese whiz. Just sayin'!

THUNDERCAT832 said...

I used to get naked all the time as a kid... I swear for a second my mother thought I was either going to be a stripper or a porn star lol

HumorSmith said...

Wow...I am still on the penultimate step, and at my age it is very unflattering. Also, I am placing you on my blogroll.

Jenner said...

What a riot... I loved reading this!!

The Blue Zoo said...

LMAO! Oh my gosh, thats hilarious!! I was born a month late too. I was due on Thanksgiving, but I wasnt born until the after Christmas.

Shrinky said...

I love your wit and style! You are FABULOUS! What a brilliantly funny (and I suspect acurate)post (giggle).

sheila said...

lol, mine were fairy easy on me, although there's big blow outs now and then. in fact I just did what I said I'd NEVER do and that is what my mom did to me... wish that I (they) have a child just like themselves. Ughhh. lol

jabblog said...

Hilarious! (I'm glad I'm not your mother . . . ;-))

Buckeroomama said...

LOL, this is hysterical! =)

Out on the prairie said...

Nice! You have lived a full life and I imagine still have lots of excitiement to behold.

dddiva said...

ROFLMAO love it. Saw the dibs title on Raven's blog and had to visit- my kids are always dibbing everything, up to and including me and they are late teens-20's.
I'll definitely be back.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Don't all kids try and paint a pet once in their lives? I made my turtle's water blue once by pouring Aqua Velva into the tank. Maybe that wasn't the shot of color he needed?

Nezzy said...

Heeehehehe, this totally cracked me up 'cause I was the 'good' one and my sis tried my parents to the max.

Great post...great laugh girl.

God bless and enjoy your day sweetie!

Binky said...

Yeah, that would pretty much do it. I think you'd be lucky if mom didn't put you up for adoption!

Kernut the Blond said...

I can relate. I'm the "black sheep", while my sister - having committed far worse crimes - always went unscathed and is still treated as the successful darling of the family. Well, I'll get a blog ans show them, I will!! ....Oh, hi. Sorry, forgot where I was for a minute. nevermind.

Al Penwasser said...

Fatanstic! My daughter did all of these.
Except it was the dog.

mel said...

haha! Are you talking about you here? BTW, I laughed when I came here just now and the title on the browser says "AAA1 Quality Blog" because my husband named his painting business AAA Quality Painting so he would be at the top in the phone book. :)

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Hahaha this is hilarious!! I love the part about painting the cat! I wish I had had this step by step guide when I was born, growing up would have been much more fun :p

Shanae Branham said...

Wow! Very funny. Since I have six kids, I really laughed. You were right about our slippery slope, it was a good thing. The slope also made it easy to push the car out of the snowbank later on in the day. Thanks for stopping by!

Alleged Author said...

HAHA! You painted the cat. That is hilarious!

Jeanie said...

It sounds like lots of us have, know, or once were a version of this loveable kid.

Kelly said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh my god the nude pictures distributed at a christian school made my day. Thank you. Thank you.

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