Thursday, March 10, 2011

Why does this title have drool on it, Max?

12 Ways My Dog Outsmarts Me


1) Waiting until I'm distracted and then asking for a second dinner.

2) Withholding poo to get multiple walks.

3) Annoying a cat just enough to make it complain, then asking for a belly rub when I come to investigate.

4) Sleeping in front of the door so that I have to reach the grocery bags in and set them, unguarded, directly in front of him - leaving him alone in the house with a week's worth of food while I attempt to turn into smoke and pour myself through the keyhole.

5) Not breaking the "no touching my food" rule, but breathing so heavily on it that I don't want it any more and give it to him anyway.

6) Rushing over to sit next to house guests when I give him a command he doesn't want to follow. Yes, it always works.

7) Waiting until I'm too immersed, wet, and slippery to effectively chase him away before playing "what things from the recycling bin float in bath water?"

8) Knowing that when he escapes from the yard the time to lay down, scream for somebody to dial the humane society and refuse to budge unless I let go of his collar is not when I first catch him, but always and only when we're in the exact middle of crossing the street on our way home.

9) Substituting the stuffed toys that I have restricted from his diet with my socks.

10) Aggressively farting until I break down and buy the expensive dog food.

11) Picking up his food dish to act as an amplifier when he feels his barking is not being adequately heard.

12) Convincing me utterly that I absolutely positively need to have 100 pounds of shedding, barking, mouth breathing, toxic farting, thieving, manipulative dog flesh on hand at all times.

101 comments:

Hilary said...

Nobody makes lists like you do. These are brilliant.. and hysterical.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I like #10, and #12. You totally cracked me up. Even if you did use the "f" word. Which ALWAYS makes me laugh, because I'm juvenile.

"Aggressively f@rting"! LOL!

Rita said...

Ah, dogs! Gotta love-em. :)

Jenner said...

My dogs subscribe to the same theories!

Gaelyn said...

But of course you Need Max.

Cat, after 2 days of no eating, stuffs mouth and spits cheap food on my foot.

Antares Cryptos said...

I think he's trying to communicate.

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

Cats are pretty manipulative too. When my cat doesn't want to be held or touched, and she sees me coming for her, she pretends to be busy by smelling anything around her.

Brian Miller said...

do you think if i start farting excessively i might get more expensive food?

TheFrogBag said...

Haha! That photo combined with #12 makes a pretty convincing case, though!

Julianna Cannon said...

*fluff*

ahem.

That was my dog's butt.

Not mine.

Mean it.

nick said...

I guess the only thing worse would be two dogs, so they were competing with each other for the maximum level of obnoxiousness and truculence.

HumorSmith said...

Seems like he knows just how to pooch you in your place. Paws for laughter here....thank you I'll be here all week and don't forget to tip your waitress.

Nicky said...

Do you think if I start feeding my kids the expensive dog food, they'll stop farting aggressively? By the way, because of lists like these I've decided to add you to our blogroll. *cue cheers and applause*

mythopolis said...

..to which I could only add:

whining incessantly at my bedside in the early morning until I finally get up and make coffee, at which time she jumps up on my bed and goes to sleep. GRRR.....

haphazardlife said...

He's remarkably intelligent as dogs go.

- Jazz

Deborah said...

Brilliant LOL I especially liked no.2 ... no pun intended! :o)

Deanna said...

How did they all learn the same thing even though they didn't go to doggie school?

My rat barked me up at 6:30 this morning because the sun was up. It was my day to sleep in.

Buckeroomama said...

Too smart he is! (Still chuckling over #5!)

Myrna R. said...

Your dog is brilliant. Then again so is mine. Guess they all are.

I love your humor. Thanks for sharing it.

blueviolet said...

That breathing on your food technique is classic brilliance on his part!

Shrinky said...

I blame the owner, meself..

(hehehehehehe)

Eva Gallant said...

That was a priceless post! LOL

jabblog said...

Your dog has got you very well trained;-)

BamaTrav said...

There will be no lifting a leg to anything, no drooling, no sniffing of crotches...This is not your room.

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

I'm stopping by to drop something off. You can pick up your newest award from:

http://shanimalscrackers.blogspot.com/2011/03/i-smile-at-style.html

Let me know if you so choose to accept this most stylish award. :)

BLOGitse said...

12 reasons why I don't have a dog! :)

...louciao... said...

Thank you for leaking these darkly kept secrets of canine co-habitation. I will forward a link to this post to my daughter who is suffering the pangs of puppy love and drooling at the chance to have a dog in her life.

secret agent woman said...

I love the dog bowl amplifier one. Genius on his part.

laura b. said...

I think I better bookmark this list. I believe I could use some of these tips myself when things aren't going my way. bwahahahah!

HalfAsstic.com said...

Hell, yeah!
you know I was half way through this before I realized you were talking about a dog and not my husband... ;-)
He is equally endearing. ;-)

Jean Knee said...

you poor thing

my dog does that awful farting thing whenever he doesn't get his way too. where do they learn it? he doesn't have any friends that do it.

Audubon Ron said...

..and when you get two dogs, they take turns "BENDING" your mind.

My dogs call me Ole Yeller. I'm always yelling at them.

Al Penwasser said...

Licking himself when company comes over.
My spoilsport wife won't let me do it, though.

Another good thing about dogs. I can always blame the pooch when I let fly with my own personal "air biscuit."
"Hey, the dog did it."

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I think we may have the same dog.

Jenners said...

And they say cats are smarter than dogs. Humph.

Chatty Crone said...

That list was wonderful - funny - hold poo for extra walks - how true is that?

sandie

gayle said...

These were so funny!! Does he really do all that? I've never had a dog in the house.

injaynesworld said...

It sounds like he has you very well trained. I bet he even brags about it to all his friends.

I'm glad I had the good sense not to bring my glass of wine to my lips prior to starting to read this. I would have been snorting a nice Cabernet right out my nose.

Loved it!

Raven said...

Love #7! The whole list is great though. I love your lists!

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Is his name Marley?

#5!

What I Did Today said...

You could totally apply some of these to husbands and children. Lol.

mythopolis said...

I treat my dog with a bit of peanut butter I stick into the end of her big fat dog bone. Once she brought the bone to me wanting a refill, when I ignored her she dropped the bone on my bare foot! Owwww!

Rachel said...

The picture slays me. How on earth could he be guilty with that precious widdle face?

But I can totally see the aforementioned precious little face breathing on your food...

And you ain't experienced aggressive farting unless you've been around a horse that wants to be let off their lead line. Talk about a 1200 pound stinky beast!

Janie said...

Great list, and funny, too! Reminds me of a lot of my dog's favorite tricks.

Jeanne said...

My fav is dropping stuff from the recycle into the tub.

Katherine said...

WOW! Those are Awesome!!!! I think I would add on my list, "Act like I am deaf so I get special treatment." I am now wondering if my dog really IS deaf!

Jeanie said...

I doubt if there is a dog owner anywhere who can't relate to at least part of this list. My dog hates water so at least I don't have him dropping things in my bath.

Betsy said...

I was going to pick a favorite, but they are ALL so funny!

Rob K said...

Not breaking the "no touching my food" rule, but breathing so heavily on it that I don't want it any more and give it to him anyway.--

--that's one smart doggie.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Awesome. The best one? When he breathes heavily on your food! I HATE that!

Deidre said...

I didn't know about the recycling floating in the bath game. That one sounds like a hoot!

ladyfi said...

Brilliant! That's why we need dogs!

Duncanr said...

#2, #9, and #11

Yup, my lot do those too

They also have an uncanny knack of knowing exactly on which occasions I'm running late and must cut their walk in the park short by 5 minutes. They are invariably struck down then by temporary deafness which prevents them hearing me call them back to be returned to the leash. Ggrrr !!!

sophie...^5 said...

Numero 12...says it all...point taken...spot on...what more could we peons do for our 4 leggeds! wink wink!

Donna @ The House on the Corner said...

Love it!!! You are spot on with everything on your list!! I love when my dog drops his (plush) toy in my bath water and doesn't understand why I don't throw it for him to catch. Another of my dogs will, um... urinate, in his food bowl to show is disappointment in my ability to keep it filled. That same dog, has been known to turn around and sniff his own butt at times that he is especially aromatic :-D

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I vote for #12 as my favorite.

Ginger said...

All the reasons I want a dog...they make you laugh. simple!!

Debbie said...

That would make me buy the expensive dog food too:)

Penelope said...

5 and 10 are killing me…so funny!

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Hahaha my dog does almost all of these!

Rhymetime(aka Pat) said...

hahaha this was great, seems I'm commenting late.
But it was a great read, as I sit dropping the rhyming seed.
Pets can be so much fun, even when you think they are done.
They come at you a different way and cause more stuff to do in your day.
Whether it be a delight or poo on the floor type fright.

KittyCat said...

Love that freakin photo. I love dogs. I have a tiny chihuahua.
She is all spoiled.

My list would prob have something about eating my banana and cheerios while I blow dry my hair. Damn sneeky dog.
Thanks for stopping by.

sheila said...

OMG! Do we share a dog? lol. Some insane mental telepathy they all have, I think! ha ha ha! #8, so TRUE and #12? Add 50 lbs and it's like I'm reading about my own!

The Teacher's Pets said...

Thank you for your brilliantly funny comment for my poor nose-less St. Patrick's Day snow lady. You were right, the bartender did not have any celery and was "forced" to use her carrot nose for that bloody Mary. Poor girl.
You are so witty that I just couldn't help myself but become your newest follower! I hope you will follow my blog sometime!

Elizabeth - Flourish in Progress said...

wait, we're talking about your dog and not the last 6 guys i dated before i met my husband, right? =)

Marylinn Kelly said...

But who could not love that face?

Novice Naturalist said...

I like your blog! Your dog and my Wylie dog are definitely related, especially that #8 trick in the middle of a busy road.

nursemyra said...

#10 for me.... hahahaha

Helen said...

awesome! Gotta love dogs!

Diana said...

Oh I love this one, being a dog owner I can so relate! They can be really sneaky can't they?!
I can particularly relate to number 2. My Pug does all sorts of little tricks to get me to walk here multiple times!
I love this list, what a hoot!
Love Di ♥

Chandrika Shubham said...

Brilliant post.

#2 My dog likes to go on long walks.

Vicki Lane said...

Sounds all too familiar -- what's not to love?

....Petty Witter said...

Convincing me utterly that I absolutely positively need to have 100 pounds of shedding, barking, mouth breathing, toxic farting, thieving, manipulative dog flesh on hand at all times - yeah, our pooch was good at this as well.

Snowbrush said...

100 pounds--wow!

Number 6 sure is cute, but as to number 10, really, accusing the poor baby of "aggressively farting" in order to get better dog food!

THUNDERCAT832 said...

ANY animal on the planet can outsmart me after a few beers and a few back breaking hours of work! lmfao

Garden Girl☺ said...

I can relate to all of these things!!! I have three big dogs! You write them down in such a funny way!

Megan said...

Good ones!

slommler said...

Totally cracked me up!!!
Congrats on your POTW award!!
Well deserved!
Hugs
SueAnn

Out on the prairie said...

You have found a few dog people. A great list to share with us.Another might be, It wasn't me, it must have been the dog.

PBJdreamer said...

Love this

Miss my dog so much

Love your blog!


that is all

Sandra said...

I know right! I totally agree with number 10. Although, I have to say, at the risk of being the odd one in the bunch, my dogs have never farted, and I've heard about it, and would sort of like to experience it...you know, so I don't feel left out.

The Blue Zoo said...

Oh my gosh, my dogs do most of those too!! Especially the one where they rush to sit by the houseguests. Dogs are just too smart sometimes.

Gaston Studio said...

Congrats on POTW!

mrwriteon said...

Is your dog Max? My dog is Max. My Max looks like your Max. What does that mean? Delightful list to which I could thoroughly relate.

Cricket said...

Just making the rounds with my belated congratulations on your potw.

Glad you have a dog to inspire this. Very funny, but better you than me. I like dogs... other people's Heh, heh.

Though, now that I think about it, it wouldn't take much editing to make most of these apply to my children.

pattypunker said...

hilarious. my pug flashes me cute face and makes me involuntarily kiss it even though i know where that smushed-in nose has been.

Binky said...

Smart dog. Maybe he should go into politics.

e said...

Absolutely wonderful!!

Linda Medrano said...

I have two of them so I can attest to the accuracy of this list. Both pups are guilty as charged!

Mrsbear said...

That is one genius mutt.

Although, my dogs may have been using fart manipulation all these years to get better menu options and I've just been too stupid to know it. I just thought they were rotting from the inside out.

Sofi Stellar said...

This is SO cute!

Kev D. said...

#5 is awesome. I do the same thing to my wife at dinner.

Kernut the Blond said...

So funny! Does he really do #3???

And #5 - I'm with you. Heavily-breathed-on food is no longer appetizing.

Stephanie Faris said...

Awwww. They bring such joy to our lives, don't they? I don't know if I could ever have a dog without having a fenced in back yard. It's just so much easier to let her out and do her thing whenever she's ready!

Len♥reNeverM♥re said...

no.10 LOL!!!
my dogs do that too!

carma said...

good gawd - dogs are high maintenance. Remind me of this the next time I get it in my head that I need a dog :D

karen said...

Thanks for the giggles. Our dog just gives us a pitiful look and I make my husband do whatever the dog wants.

Dawn in D.C. said...

OMG. That is hilarious! And so true of my dogs, as well!

Love the picture, too!

TIFFANY said...

Thanks for stopping by! This post was too funny!

Kelly said...

Oh my god. I am having fits of giggles here in my cubicle. I understand the farting part. It's like Brocoli and Brussel Sprouts got married and then took acid.

Busana Muslim said...

Nice post, thanks for sharing this wonderful

About Me

My photo
Alberta, Canada
Quality blog entertainments delivered in a convenient, electronic format, and widely read by the sexiest, most intelligent, and wittiest people on the internet - all of whom practice exemplary personal hygiene.