Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I'll even throw in a free title!

I have now had a full night's sleep. Also, the little tiny goblins with the razor sharp teeth have stopped nibbling at my toe nails. These facts are likely related.

So. Morning people. Can I just ask why?

We have ordered our entire civilization around your schedule since... oh let's see now... carry the one, times infinity... since forever. That's how long you've controlled everybody's lives. Forever. And what have we night people been doing all this time?

Tip toeing around. Teaching ourselves how to sneeze silently without having an occular haemorage. Being dirty because the shower makes noise. Wondering which will make you angrier - our waking you up by flushing the toilet or your waking up and discovering that the toilet isn't flushed, and then deciding the hell with it, a ruptured bladder can't hurt that badly, and maybe if we just don't drink anything for the next eight hours we can hold it.

Putting you to bed when you come home drunk and answering your phone calls when people break up with you and you've been awake crying half the night and don't know anybody else to call at that hour.

Making appointments when it's convenient for you, even when we're the ones paying.

Oh sure, I mean thanks for the convenience stores and Wal-Mart. You know, seeing as how we can't get absolutely everything from those incredibly cheerful obviously recorded by morning people infomercials you leave behind for us after you've chewed your way through all the topical information and first run series and gone to bed. It's nice to have those options since ordering that crap at three am does nothing to alert the delivery person that leaning on the doorbell of it's recipient at nine am will probably make them cry. You know, because delivery people are as obedient to the morning person rules as the rest of the world is. Cute little boutique shops, professional offices and technicians that don't require a second house mortgage and the selling of blood to afford? All very much in your world and not ours too.

So yeah. Why? Why does it have to be this way?

Nobody's arguing that it has evolved to be this way through necessity. Before electricity humans really sucked at night navigation. Mostly they just found things to bump into, and were found by things looking for food before ever finding food for themselves (excepting, of course, when they managed to step in it). Curling up and lapsing into unconsciousness really is about the only thing a human in a natural environment has any talent for after dark.

For city dwelling humans in the western world there no longer is any such thing as dark, though. It's not like morning people use substantially less electricity than night people do, either - we see you there, with your light bulbs all lit up while the sun's still in the sky. You're not fooling anybody. Never mind all that juice you pump out to stay comfortable during the hottest part of the day while sane people in equatorial countries sleep. Meanwhile the streets are fully illuminated from dusk till dawn with barely anybody making use of all that electricity being spent. You know. Because you complain about how noisy it is when people drive on them.

I propose tradesies. We've done it your way. You enjoyed it. That's cool. Now we get a turn.

Let's not be morning people oriented anymore. Let's be night people oriented. You guys be the deviants. You do the tiptoeing around and the getting inspired just when you need to be getting to bed in order to get enough sleep for work in the evening and watching crappy tv and not being able to find anybody on the internet when you're bored because you're wide awake and everything interesting is closed.

We'll be the super cheerful ones wishing you "good evening!" as you struggle desperately to remember how to make a pot of coffee using only the eighth of your brain that you could persuade to wake up when the alarm went off.

Deal?

51 comments:

Sarah said...

WORD.

Sucks to morning.

Where the Fur Flies said...

You're brilliant.

Tabor said...

Sorry. I can't help wanting to get up before the sun to greet it. It is a happy compulsion...but I do not flush the toilet without tightly closing all doors and no radio or TV until you are up!

Brian Miller said...

on behalf of all of us morning people, i am sorry...i will try to be quieter...smiles.

♥ Braja said...

Yep. LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MORNINGS!!!!!

I get up around 3 or 3.30!!!!

Megan said...

I'm in. Where do I sign?

HalfAsstic.com said...

Can you make this into some sort of a contract and I will begin forcing people to sign, cause, well, way over due!

bernthis said...

hell yeah! I still and will never understand morning people

La Belette Rouge said...

Wowza! I wish I arrived here fully caffeinated. Even at the end of the day I managed to be gobsmacked by your rant against morning.

Erika said...

THANK YOU.

Kathy Sprinkle said...

Love it! Happily landed with night owl types in my family... even the almost 3 year old goes to bed "too late" (they say!) and sleeps in until 10ish!

mo.stoneskin said...

Those are goblins? I thought they were hamsters.

Buckeroomama said...

I am primarily a night person, but SO want to be a morning person. What does that make me? :S

....Petty Witter said...

Not a morning person either though not a night owl either, I tend to be only fully functional for a few hours mid-day.
So many things I identify with, especially us making appointments for times to suit others when we are the ones paying.

Jazz said...

YES!!!!!!

Let's do it. No day should start before noon.

Robin said...

Sorry Im a sun obsessed fool...but the toilet thing...so true...LOL..Have a great day..!

nick said...

Oh I'm 100% a morning and daylight person. My brain shrivels as soon as darkness falls. The sooner darkness is abolished, the better. In fact top scientists at the International Darkness Elimination Centre are working day and night to achieve just that. Can't wait.

Canadian Blend said...

I used to be a lot better at being a night person before I had kids. And now that they're older, being almost 50 has affected my ability to stay up all night.

On the plus side, I'm not one to wake up at the slightest noise and think I coesist fairly well with night people (a group my children belong to and who show off their night-peopleness by watching bad movies until the wee hours on Friday nights).

buffalodick said...

Marry someone who can sleep through an earthquake..I did.

Cathryn said...

I married a night owl. I'm the morning geek in this relationship. It drives me nuts that I have to be quiet so he can sleep when I'm at my most productive! Anyway--we are working on keeping the relationship real and not worry too much about our habits!

Great post from the other side of the coin!

tony said...

I Agree Fully.Never Trust A Morning-Person!

insomniac ellen said...

oh yeah!!!

you must work in the theatre or something--we're all trolls.

sadly, to pay the bills I must suffer the 8-5 routine. But my brain doesn't really fully arrive for the day til 11ish.

JenJen said...

one word:
tradesies.

that's all.

Eric said...

What if you are so early of a morning person, it's like you are really a night person?

Mrsbear said...

I'm a morning person by default. I blame the children. By 10 p.m. come what may my eyes close of their own accord. Bring in a polka band and run a train through my master bath, I most likely will not notice. I apologize for the world. ;)

So glad the goblins took a night off.

Jenners said...

Well, I'm neither a morning or a late night person. I'm more of a 10 am until 2 pm person.

My brother would LOVE your way of thinking. He's always been a night owl and finally found work that lets him work at night. When he visits, he has to shift his entire schedule around and it isn't pretty.


Love the name of your blog, by the way -- the AAA1 Quality Blog. Ltd. one. I guess you show up first in the Blog Phone Book!

secret agent woman said...

I'm not a morning person, but I would have to start killing people if I am forced to work in the late evenings or at night. And the research I've read says people get less restful sleep when they go to sleep later and sleep in. So for those reasons, no - you'll have to make your appointments with me when it's daytime, so I can have evenings for myself and my family. Sorry.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

OH man sounds like my mornings I get up a few hours before the boys need to be up I creep out of bed and try not flush the toilet and grab the coffee with out them waking up! UGH never works at least one gets up.

Kelly said...

Ha! This made me laugh -- mainly because my inlaws are up all night and get upset when we schedule things for daylight hours. Because it makes total sense to have a 2 year old's birthday party at 7 pm? C'mon now.

I'm a firm believer in do you. If you want to stay up all night, do it. I'll be up all day. And as long as we do our best to not inconvenience each other, we'll get along just fine.

Also? You are funny!

shortmama said...

I HATE mornings!!!

Erin said...

I am sorry. I am a morning person. And falling asleep on the sofa in front of the tv around 10 p.m.

I am lame, yeah.(I blame my kids)

Deanna said...

My hubby is the worst. He can stay up late at night and then get up bright and early the next morning. He's just not right.

Yes, the Southbeach diet has been around awhile, which is one of the reasons I chose it. I'm not a diet person either, but my past middle age body is getting the better of me. I have to bring out the big guns.

You are very funny. I'm enjoying your blog.

LadyFi said...

Sorry - I hate evenings, but that could have something to do with the fact that I have small kids and never enough sleep?

Unknown Mami said...

I read this post and all you got was this stupid comment:

Tradesies!!! Let's do tradesies!!!

nursemyra said...

I'm a midday person, my only window of productivity is from 11:00 am until 1:00 pm

Shrinky said...

Oh, I'm with the nocturnal crowd all the way, sadly, I get no sympathy at all from my bunch of early-birds.. maybe we could form a minority group, lobby our Parliment/Congress, set up a petition - MARCH, placards held high, through the night??

Either that, or demand ear-plugs for all?

Tamara said...

On behalf of night people around the world, I nominate you for president!

mythopolis said...

It's not quite 4am. Just getting up. I am a pre-early morning person. Pre-early morning is like the late, late, late, early show. Having retired from the dreariness of occupations, it seems there is nothing to govern when I wake or sleep. I will watch the sun come up, take a nap until about 10am, do whatever comes into my head for a few hours, take an afternoon siesta, putter around a few hours, watch the sunset, and go to bed. It's a simple life with no one to answer to. At long last!! Too bad youth, as they say, is wasted on the young.

Nessa said...

I prefer the night and really resent being forced to get up in the morning.

Flash 55 - Earthquake

One Single Impression - Running

Mrsblogalot said...

HAA!! Loved this!

Now I'm going back to sleep.

JoeyRes said...

I'm a midday character. Not great in the morning, not great a night, okay around lunch.

I see you haven't given my demographic any love.

Akelamalu said...

Once awake I have to get up - it's usually early. I can't just lie in bed. The only problem is I like to stay up late too!

carma said...

I'm soooo not a morning person....darn those cheery souls.

Tgoette said...

I hate mornings. I wish every day started at noon or whenever the sun shone so brightly on your cheek that your body had no choice but to get up and face the world. Damn morning people! Next time I'm flushing the toilet, dammit! See how you like it.

Great post! Thanks for stopping by!

linnykins said...

Haha! I enjoyed reading this, although I'm most definitely a morning person. I can't sleep in past 8am, and I'm most functional in the morning.

YAY go mornings! Thanks for your lovely comment on the sunsets <3

otin said...

If I get up after 7:30,I feel like I have wasted my day! %:30 is about my time.

Martha's Menagerie said...

Funny! I definitely prefer my moon tan thank you very much. All those morning people - ick! Meanwhile I'm stuck getting up at 4:30 am for work all week, oh the pain and torture I endure! It's. Not. Fair.

blognut said...

You? Are a genius. I'm in!

Just telling it like it is said...

I'm sure I don't mind if the toilet is flushed in the morning( it's mostly me flushing) and I don't mind walking in on someone while they are using the toilet..I kind of find it funny to catch logistic guy in the act...but then again I came from mentally disturbed family that has an open door policy which I am not always fond of...

Julie Buz. said...

Oh, dear... the toilet, THE TOILET! So true! You caught me with my pants down. I think I'll need to stay a while until I recover. :o)

kanishk said...

I will begin forcing people to sign, cause, well, way over due!
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