Friday, March 12, 2010

I hope this title answers your question, Nessa.

I Shouldn't Have to Tell You This:
Home Selling Edition

  • Don't try to frame and install a picture window yourself before listing. In fact, don't try to frame and install a picture window ever under any circumstances unless you are a certified window framer and installer. No, make that unless you're at least two certified window framer and installers. And well supervised.
  • Be home for longer than one hour a day.
  • If you're only home for one hour a day, make it a more accessible time for people than eleven am to noon.
  • If you're only home for one hour a day from eleven am to noon, don't leave two large dogs in your house that like to attack realtors when you're not there.
  • Take your air mattress and the rest of your squatter fantastic lifestyle kit with you when you vacate for the showing. Finding that crap in the closet gives me the serious oogies.
  • If the buyer prefers e-mail, communicate with them by e-mail. If you keep being pissy about it they might just contact your company and ask them why you're uncomfortable dealing with the hard of hearing.
  • Don't assume your client isn't hard of hearing. They don't owe you an explanation about their preferred modes of communication, so operate under the assumption that it's none of your damn business why they prefer e-mail and just cooperate.
  • Don't be so unprofessional that your behavior inspires three bullet points in a row on a list titled I Shouldn't Have to Tell You This: Home Selling Edition, Mr. Big Dumb I-Won't-Talk-To-You-Unless-You-Phone-Me Crappy Realtor Head Whose Stupid Listing Isn't That Nice Anyway So There.
  • Collect the police notices out of the mailbox regularly.
  • Clean off the scuff marks left by whoever it was that tried to kick in your front door.
  • The door of mystery in the basement? Unlock it. Find another place to keep your strange uncle Marty if you must. Not knowing is scarier than knowing.
  • Don't insist on at least breaking even with what you paid for it three years ago when they opened the tar sands. Unless, of course, you have an insanely rich oil strike you'd like to share with the group. 7-11 isn't handing out $700 hiring bonuses anymore, McDonald's isn't paying $10 an hour to start anymore, and you're not going to find anybody as desperate to live in that house as you were in 2007.
  • If you're going to paint every room, install new flooring throughout and even spring for new kitchen cabinets, go the extra mile and clean the oven. Dude. C'mon. That's like staying up all night to work on your resume and not bothering to wear pants to the job interview.
  • Oh yeah, wear pants. Prospective buyers can be swayed by little touches like that.

51 comments:

Everyday Kathy said...

Man you totally crack me up! Great post!

Shrinky said...

OMG, I am still laughing. The hard of hearing line creased me, that is soooo plausible, and cringe inducing. Hope your Uncle Marty gets out of the shed and back in his basement soon..

My name is PJ. said...

MWAHAHAHA! Uncle Marty!!! MWAHAHAHA!

mythopolis said...

Great tips! Thanks! "Mystery in the Basement" is a story that should be written. Actually, I think my next-door neighbor has one of those mysteries!

Eva Gallant said...

That was brilliant! I love it! and so very true.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Seriously? I have to wear PANTS?? Ok, this is clearly just not going to work...

secret agent woman said...

From my home-buying days, I'd add:

Don't leave a purple bra hanging from the kitchen door knob.
If you have ugly family members, take their photos off the walls.
Clean up the house, for God's sake - your hoarding illness should be a secret.

nick said...

Yes indeed, some of the downers you come across looking at houses are amazing. Can't they see how the place might look to prospective buyers? Junk heaps in the garden, taps that fall off in your hand, huge damp patches on the ceiling. If the place is only suitable for a DIY enthusiast/ compulsive do-it-upper, why don't they say so?

Locked basements are scary. Particularly if there's a trickle of blood from beneath the door....

nursemyra said...

... and don't leave your sex toys in the bedside table. Prospective buyers have been known to look there, especially those who have an Uncle Marty in their family.

Nezzy said...

I've never shown a house the Ponderosa has been my home for 37 years but now I know exactly what I should and shouldn't do. Heeeheehehe, I'm rollin' in the floor here!

God bless and have a Super Saturday!!!

Tabor said...

Realtors have it much harder than I thought! (How about fixing the bar wires hanging above the kitchen table...saw that in a house I was planning on renting.)

Cathryn said...

This made my morning before I have to teach! LOL Thanks for sharing these helpful advice tips!

Robin said...

LMAO...I hope your prospective buyers dont read your blog..LOL..!

JenJen said...

HA Brilliant!!

e said...

LMAO! You've made my afternoon...

Brian Miller said...

i bet it was the wearing pants part that kept me from selling my home...if i had only known...

linlah said...

Maybe the guy who put the scuff marks on the door is locked in the basement.

gayle said...

Don't leave your undies in the middle of your bedroom floor!!

This was so funny!!

Fragrant Liar said...

Not to get all pissy about it, but I totally would rather you have called me with this bit of wisdom.

buffalodick said...

This is why I will never move...

HalfAsstic.com said...

Gee. My mom and dad are trying to sell their house and I bet they have made a half dozen of these transgressions... I better email her your link.
Hilarious as always!

"Big Dumb I-Won't-Talk-To-You-Unless-You-Phone-Me Crappy Realtor Head"
HAHAHAHAHA!

Kris said...

HAHAHAH, wonderful!

Susan said...

Hehehehe...the entire list was awesome. Well, that's the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm adding you to my blog roll. :)

Rebecca said...

Don't leave your dirty laundry where anyone can see it even if your laundry basket is pretty and in the corner of a room..........if it's impossible to stash the laundry basket away in a closet, then for the love of GOD put your dirty underwear under something more easy on the eyes ...like a dirty shirt.

Candice said...

This might be the best "how-to" list EVER.

Erika said...

Ha ha! Wear pants is my take away today.

Traci said...

Man, may I have this guy's card. Because he sounds SOOO professional and together and I can't imagine why this house is still on the market. Especially considering the no-pants option. They really should include that on the flyer. LOL
:-)
Traci

Morgan Owens said...

You are hilarious! Love this post!

Buckeroomama said...

LOL!!! Awesome list! :)

LadyFi said...

So - it's going well is it?

Hope Uncle Marty was wearing pants too... ;-)

sarah said...

I needed that laugh! Thank you for stopping by, I hope you'll be back, and I'm following you now, so I'll be reading!

Pauline said...

Very funny! Very, very funny :)

Debbie(single;complicated) said...

you have a really cute blog!! what a great post!!!!!:)

Slamdunk said...

"If you're only home for one hour a day from eleven am to noon, don't leave two large dogs in your house that like to attack realtors when you're not there."

Yikes, I can see where this would be a problem

carma said...

"squatter fantastic" - love that expression!!!!! guessing you did not end up buying said palace? :D

Nessa said...

i guess I can't sell. i'm not moving my air mattress.

Book Review - Moving In

Erin said...

I needed a laugh like this today---thank you!!! My house isn't on the market or anything, but some of these are still suggestions I should probably take into consideration for my children's sake. LOL

Megan said...

Ha! I see appraisals every day, and sometimes the interior photos are truly unforgettable. We even had a pot grower once. Dude, move the plants out of the spare bedroom before the appraiser comes!

Martha said...

You had me rolling by the time I got to the part about Uncle Marty! Isn't real estate fun? ;-)

Curiosity said...

Pants! Pshaw. How do you expect me to get that extra-quick closing date?

(Very glad that I followed a link here. Thank you for the laughs!)

Jenners said...

Good advice. It would never in a million years occur to me to try to install a window myself.

Unknown Mami said...

The post is great and all, but how the hell did Nessa get her name in the title?

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Oh my gosh isn't it funny what you find when house hunting! I saw a garage turned into a master bedroom ... I had the hugest sloop ... lol

JoeyRes said...

I'm not missing looking at houses. I once woke up a giant lady in a mu-mu and felt I had to go through her disgusting house, since we did wake her up and all.

We didn't buy that one.

simplysonita said...

hahahaha LOVE IT!

tony said...

Uncle Marty sounds a cool guy (with or without pants)

linnykins said...

Hahaha, I love your list. Put a mile on my face.

I agree with the antiques! It's very much so the story, as well as the items themselves. Nicely put.

TheFrogBag said...

Bwahaha! Yes, I feel your pain. Also, if each floor of your house is canted a different direction, and none of the doors will close, much less lock, don't try to tell me that the "really nice hot tub out back" makes up for it!

Kitty Moore said...

I was laughing all the way through - what a great start to my day! x

Sarah said...

The oven thing cracked me up. So true! Thanks for a good laugh.

kanishk said...

The hard of hearing line creased me, that is soooo plausible, and cringe inducing. Hope your Uncle Marty gets out of the shed and back in his basement soon..
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