Monday, February 27, 2012

Don't tell me you don't see a dirty word in every single title on this blog.

I'm sure that, like myself, many of you are just now emerging from the influence secure spaces we all withdrew to following the media crises that occurred last night. I hope you were all able to use the time productively, meditating on wholesome thoughts such as blank paper, plain oatmeal, and multiplication tables. Before you fold up the quilts and put the chairs back around the dining room table, however, please take a moment to check on your friends and neighbors. If any of them are still in their spaces, gently remove their fingers from their ears and, shouting so that you can be heard over their tuneless humming, inform them that the crises was averted: Jennifer Lopez's nipple did not in fact appear on the Oscars telecast.

While we are all grateful not to have actually witnessed the horror that lurks on women's breasts, I do still feel the responsible thing to do would be to punish the dress designer severely. It was, after all, the design of the dress that led us all to believe it was possible we might see a nipple. This in turn led many people to believe they had seen a nipple.

The damage done to a mind by thinking it has seen a nipple is clearly going to be comparable to the damage done to a mind by actually seeing a nipple. Obviously, somebody has to be held accountable for that.

Little children everywhere, sleepless and excited, eager as children always are to learn who the motion picture academy was going to honor for costume design, were accosted by the brutal perception that they actually saw a nipple on an adult. They are now, as a result, aware that their own nipples are permanently attached to their bodies. How young is too young to cope with that horrifying realization? Parents across the nation are now finding out. How many of those children will turn to hard drugs to deal with the trauma? It's absolutely and completely impossible to know. And that leaves us with no choice but to presume that all of them will.

True, the damage is already done. Punishing the designer will not save the billions of children already completely destroyed by the probability of Jennifer Lopez's nipple. But that dress designer had a responsibility to protect all of the children in the entire world, and that dress designer failed. If we do not hold this designer responsible for exposing the nation to the probability of Jennifer Lopez's nipple this year, what can the poor innocent children huddled around their televisions, thrilling with the anticipation of learning who will take top honors for cinematography, expect to see walking the red carpet next year? I think we all know the answer to that.

Penises. Penises everywhere. Penises on every man, woman and child, roaming free and driving everybody criminally insane. If we aren't even prepared to punish the possibility of one nipple, how prepared will we be for the actuality of an entire penis infestation?

Those penises are on your front step, people. Are you going to allow a nipple to open the door for them?

24 comments:

TheFrogBag said...

Haha! You know, this is exactly what I was thinking. The horror, the horror! Some things can't be unseen. Even though some of those things that haven't actually been seen.

Gaelyn said...

Gee, sorry I missed this.

Stickup Artist said...

Hey cool, you're baaaack. I did imagine JLo's hint of nip, and I have gone blind in one eye as a result! I am running out to get an eye patch to protect the other eye from those penises...

Anonymous said...

LOL ... Brilliant! :o)

Shrinky said...

I actually spontaniously vomitted all over my youngest, inadvertently protecting her from this almost JLo exposure.

Cinner said...

too funny, how about Angelinas leg, I just thought that was wierd with the pose. I sure as heck don't want penises on my door step....now I can't go back to sleep. lol.

Hilary said...

Thanks for keeping us... abreast of the situation. :)

Brian Miller said...

if the penis is on your front stop, please be careful where you step when you leave...

Jenners said...

I agree … the dress designer must be punished for this abomination! Off with his/her nipples!

By the way, I did watch that show (part of it and then on fast forward) and saw that presentation and was debating with myself (unaided by Twitter or any other social media) if I was indeed seeing J Lo's nipple. I thought I did.

Deanna said...

My dear hubby is now hooked on your blog. Don't stop now! Personally I think the manufacturers of double stick tape shares some of the responsibility. Had it been stronger, people would have worried less about the possibility.

Myrna R. said...

Thank you so much, for this penis warning. I'll be on the lookout and I agree with you - we need more nipple exposure prevention.

Mark said...

I don't know about you but I'm dying to see this "penis infestation" of which you speak.
m.

mythopolis said...

Alas, the plight of the poor nipple imprisoned in a dark and cavernous bra and never seeing the light of day. It is oppression plain and simple. Write your congress man. Free the Nipple!

As far as the dirty words in your blog title....yes. Am I the only one to notice there is a 'tit' in the word title? Such an embarrassing blog title malfunction!

Dr Zibbs said...

I'm a nipple man. Just sayin'.

Pearl said...

:-)

Right on, sister!!!

Pearl

Michelle said...

ARYANS KID- FUCKING with AAA1 on the QUALITY BLOG of APPYR!
HEINTZ got hit by SENATORS?
Ah well..GEROGE BUSH just blew his own brother away- ARIZONA gets BUSTED by another BUSH!
EMPARR to MPEARLL and REMPATE to RENCO - RENESS-DASSAULT is the RAT everybody " dies for"...
Same with BERRIRO...." assholes".

tattytiara said...

Well that was... projectile.

Nicky said...

The invasion has begun... the penises are in my house... help me... please... I can only fend them off with my nipple for so long...

Secret Agent Woman said...

I was going to comment that I'm not sorry I don't watch TV, but I got mightily distracted by that psychotic comment.

choochoo said...

What's a girl to do? People go crazy if you wear a flashy designer dress. And they go crazy if you wear a burka. Sheesh.

Dianne said...

you're hilarious!!

I can't believe the amount of hoopla over a nipple
we are a seriously messed up nation

StarTraci said...

I predict a rash of drug-ridden teenagers appearing ten years to the day of the "nipple-incident". It will be like the Baby Boom but instead it will be the Nipple Drug Boom. Now J-Lo will have to go to her grave with not only inflicting rom-coms, marginal music, and the Fiat commercials on us, but the weight of inflicting drug abuse on the world's children. Wow! That's a powerful nipple.
:-)
Traci

injaynesworld said...

You freakin' genius. I'm so glad you're back, T, and thanks for the giggles. I will never understand this country's obsession with women's nipples. Nobody gives a crap about men's nips. What's up with that?

nick said...

If I'd seen a nipple, I would have obliterated it from my consciousness immediately. I'm a clean-living guy who would never knowingly glimpse a lady's intimate accoutrements.

As for penises, surely such awful things don't exist. It's all a mad female fantasy.

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