I'm sure that, like myself, many of you are just now emerging from the influence secure spaces we all withdrew to following the media crises that occurred last night. I hope you were all able to use the time productively, meditating on wholesome thoughts such as blank paper, plain oatmeal, and multiplication tables. Before you fold up the quilts and put the chairs back around the dining room table, however, please take a moment to check on your friends and neighbors. If any of them are still in their spaces, gently remove their fingers from their ears and, shouting so that you can be heard over their tuneless humming, inform them that the crises was averted: Jennifer Lopez's nipple did not in fact appear on the Oscars telecast.
While we are all grateful not to have actually witnessed the horror that lurks on women's breasts, I do still feel the responsible thing to do would be to punish the dress designer severely. It was, after all, the design of the dress that led us all to believe it was possible we might see a nipple. This in turn led many people to believe they had seen a nipple.
The damage done to a mind by thinking it has seen a nipple is clearly going to be comparable to the damage done to a mind by actually seeing a nipple. Obviously, somebody has to be held accountable for that.
Little children everywhere, sleepless and excited, eager as children always are to learn who the motion picture academy was going to honor for costume design, were accosted by the brutal perception that they actually saw a nipple on an adult. They are now, as a result, aware that their own nipples are permanently attached to their bodies. How young is too young to cope with that horrifying realization? Parents across the nation are now finding out. How many of those children will turn to hard drugs to deal with the trauma? It's absolutely and completely impossible to know. And that leaves us with no choice but to presume that all of them will.
True, the damage is already done. Punishing the designer will not save the billions of children already completely destroyed by the probability of Jennifer Lopez's nipple. But that dress designer had a responsibility to protect all of the children in the entire world, and that dress designer failed. If we do not hold this designer responsible for exposing the nation to the probability of Jennifer Lopez's nipple this year, what can the poor innocent children huddled around their televisions, thrilling with the anticipation of learning who will take top honors for cinematography, expect to see walking the red carpet next year? I think we all know the answer to that.
Penises. Penises everywhere. Penises on every man, woman and child, roaming free and driving everybody criminally insane. If we aren't even prepared to punish the possibility of one nipple, how prepared will we be for the actuality of an entire penis infestation?
Those penises are on your front step, people. Are you going to allow a nipple to open the door for them?
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