Thursday, April 14, 2011

I am writing the title. Right now. It's fine. Okay then you do it. Well then shut up.

I am an adult. I have a career. I own my own home. I clog the tube slide at playland. I'm independent, intelligent, and capable of taking on responsibility. There's no reason in the world for me to fear commitment anymore. I can handle it now, and I actually think I'm ready to try.

It's time I got an imaginary friend. Somebody who shares my priorities. Someone who understands how I communicate (via secret elfin language I developed in grade four math class). Someone who is completely accepting of who I am, regardless of how long it's been since I washed my long underwear, and who is always there for me. Mostly always there for me. Not in the bathroom, obviously. Imaginary or not, that's just weird. Someone who would enjoy taking long walks fairly regularly. Alone, I mean. I'm kind of used to having the house to myself. Weekends away would be nice too. An imaginary friend with airmiles.

Okay maybe not an imaginary friend per say. Maybe just an imaginary friendly acquaintance. I mean I'm totally up for casual companionship, but nothing too intense. I really just don't have the time to pretend an imaginary person is calling drunk from a bar at two am after their imaginary boyfriend made out with the waitress, or help a pretend person with their make believe resume. I'm definitely not pretending to help anyfakebody move. But a nice imaginary friendly acquaintance, somebody that I could just exchange pleasantries with and get on with my day, that would be nice. Although maybe I should specify a nice imaginary friendly acquaintance who isn't overly chatty. I mean I don't want to nod hello to my imaginary friendly acquaintance on my way to the curb only to get stuck shivering in the alley way clutching a bag of garbage while I endure half an hour of small talk and my kettle boils dry.

Okay, how about just an imaginary familiar person in the neighborhood who I don't really know well enough to talk to but seems okay? One that my neighbours don't imagine, so there would be no risk of introduction.

You know, I'm starting to think I'm rushing into this a bit. I guess I'm just not all that sure I know what imaginary people's needs are. I want to make sure I'm not committing to more than I can fulfill, after all. Somefakebody could get hurt. A person needs to ease into a thing like this.

How long do imaginary pet goldfish live, anyway?

75 comments:

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

They don't live long. The perfect relationship, I think. Except when they die then you have to get a new one and relive the whole "getting to know you" phase. Eh, we're better off alone.

Eva Gallant said...

You totally crack me up! That was too funny! And wise.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Sweetie, you are clearly up for an imaginary pet parakeet. A certain amount of chatty and then you can throw an imaginary blanket over the imaginary cage when you are ready for it to shut up.
Problem solved!
You are too freakin' funny!

laura b. said...

Yeah, I too am sensing you need to slow your roll here. Start with an intuition of a friend. That way, when you aren't in the mood, you can dismiss that intuition as being silly nonsense. When you're into it, test the waters by claiming you've always been an intuitive person and see if anyone salutes that flag.

You're welcome!

jenashmen said...

I'd like to apply for the position. Where should I send my imaginary resume?

Brian Miller said...

i like my imaginary friend...they stop talking when i want them to...

Jenners said...

Imaginary goldfish still die easily...and you have to change the water still so it isn't worth it.

You are a comedy genius. Have I told you that lately?

Buckeroomama said...

I'm looking for an imaginary (or real!) stand-in at kiddie parties. She'd be the one running around all stressed out, while I'd be the one free to walk around and snap pictures. Any takers?

Antares Cryptos said...

Actually, the beauty of imaginary goldfish is that they live foreeeever.

This was really good, unless you're developing multiple personality disorder, in which case. What was I talking about to whom?

Gaelyn said...

You just scared my imaginary friend right out the door. But that's OK, I was getting kind of tired of this anyway. Maybe they'll head your way. Just don't rush into anything.

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Hahaha that was fantastic, you always make me laugh! I say go for an imaginary dog :)

Charlene said...

Imaginary friends or goldfish live as long as you imagine they do.

Johi said...

Awesome! Love it!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Imaginary enemies are the best.

Nico said...

How about an imaginary pen pal?

...louciao... said...

Imaginary friends? Isn't that why we all blog?

Novice Naturalist said...

I know where you can get a pet coffin for that imaginary parakeet--if you go that route. Really, I do.

Okay if I link to your blog, on FB and/or my blog? I like to check before I do that, but I sure do want to share your work with some other folks.

The Blue Zoo said...

You are just too funny!

How about an imaginary guinea pig? They're cute.

Lo said...

You are brilliant AND funny......I have been wanting to tell you so for some time, but the line is always so long. Today I just decided, the hell with it.....I owed it to you to find the end of the line and just do it.

Thanks for all the fun. Please blog on.

TheFrogBag said...

Best blog title. Ever. Ever! I would seriously buy a book of your collected blog posts.

HumorSmith said...

I imagine you'd be a good friend.

nick said...

These imaginary friends are all very well, they start off polite and unassuming, but then before you know it they're getting ideas above their station and telling you what to do and you just want to stuff them back into their box. I have to invent an imaginary cop to arrest them for a serious imaginary offence so I never see them again.

Hey, does this blog really exist or am I imagining it?

Cinner said...

You are a clever one, I wish I would have had an imaginary friend for the winter, but like you said one has to ease into this.

Deborah said...

You are just so delightfully funny! :o) LOL

BLOGitse said...

:) you're funny!
Aren't blog friends imaginary enough?

Kate said...

An imaginary pet rock sounds like the perfect solution.
Your title is epic. Winning!

mythopolis said...

Imaginary gold fish don't die. I thought mine had, but then, I went to the pet store, and there she was, swimming around in a bowl. She is definitely grounded now!

Oh! I love my imaginary dog. You probably won't believe this, but she can talk!

....Petty Witter said...

I'M all for imaginary friends - they never disagree for one thing and they are always there - mind you that can get a bit annoying when you are trying to read a book and they are talking away.

Vicki Lane said...

What about an imaginary imaginary friend? Who just happened to be a deaf mute?

Deanna said...

You know, three year olds and their imaginary friends have it all figured out. We just mess things up as we grow older and go for the real thing. The bathroom thing would be just wierd. Glad you figured that out before it was too late!

Thanks for my guffow of the day.

Shrinky said...

Out of all your fab posts, this one did it for me - my all time fave so far (and a bit scary how closely I can relate, too)! Girl, you are a wonder - it's such a joy to tumble in here!

Rob K said...

How about an imaginary stranger?

Rita said...

I can't imagine a better post from this imaginative blogger friend that I follow about. Our cyber blogger friends are only a partial manifestation in the first place. It's a wispy cyber world. ;)

Linda Medrano said...

Get a dog. They take walks with you, don't care if you bathe, never bore you with talking about boring shit, and love you no matter what! Love this post!

Nicole said...

I'll have to be quick, my imaginary long lost cousin lost her job and she and her 5 imaginary kids have moved into our basement. I don't want her to know I'm online. She'll be all "I want you to hit craigslist for imaginary used kegoraters." why she doesn't use her imaginary laptop I can never figure out. And those imaginary Miller High Life's don't come cheap. not the way she gulps them down.

Anyway, I just wanted to caution you against inviting imaginary folks into your life. As you can see it seems like a good idea, but who's going to evict these squatters from my basement? imaginary cops?

mrwriteon said...

I think an imaginary acquaintance could work. Maybe we could share and you could have him/her on alternate weekends?

Holly said...

I had an imaginary friend once. Then I realized she was stalking me. It was a bad scene. It's hard to get rid of somefakebodies. I had to move out of state.

livintheblues said...

If you find one ask them if they have a twin....

secret agent woman said...

I want an imaginary distant great-uncle who dies and leaves me lots of real money.

Raven said...

LOL you totally crack me up. I had an imaginary friend, but she quit returning my calls. I thought about getting a new one but she instilled within me an intense fear of abandonment. Now I just have a security blankie.

Nicky said...

I'm not sure imaginary goldfish are the way to go. You have to change the imaginary water, stock up on imaginary food, make sure the cat doesn't eat them, stop people from tapping on the imaginary aquarium...it is a total pain in the butt. I would suggest you get an imaginary pet rock instead. They're perfect. No fuss, no muss and you can throw it at people who annoy you.

linlah said...

Imaginary pet fish live about the same lenght of time as real ones but you can't flush them down the toilet because they clog up the system.

injaynesworld said...

Oh, my dear... We could totally be imaginary BFFs. All these reasons and more are why I'm single. You just make it so much funnier.

Duncanr said...

I hate to be a party-pooper but imaginary friends are not all that great.

For a start, the buggers never buy a round of drinks at the bar, or take the garbage out !!!

Maggie May said...

They are a bit like Tamagotchis but less dependant.
Personally I reckon you would be better off with imaginary rabbits ..... but better still..... real ones. They don't answer back and they listen to you chatting & they don't need anything but love, food, water & hay & shelter.
Mmmmh I suppose thats quite a lot of things.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

THE SNEE said...

LOL! I suggest visiting the imaginary Internet site for singles called Imaginary friend(if).com. The IF provides fabulous customer service with a slogan that reflects their philosophies on relationships. " If not When".

Megan said...

Right now I am imagining you are here sitting with me on the porch and I'm sending you out to get some more of that imaginary beer.

Jean Knee said...

you gotta stay away from the fish, real or imagined. especially live or fake bettas. when it's elderly you'll have to lift it up by spoon to breathe

Jenner said...

Imaginary friends are great because when they get annoying, you can just forget all about them.

nursemyra said...

That statement you made at the beginning of the post about being an adult..... do you have proof or are you just imagining that it's true?

BamaTrav said...

I imagine you will be able to find that.

Ginger said...

This is your shrink writing - I don't think you are ready for a friendship yet. Imaginary or otherwise. or maybe an inception of a friendship with an ex friend...naaa too tasking if we are to go by the movie.
I think you have a great relationship with your computer. That's perfectly alright for starters.

pattypunker said...

imaginary friends are so needy. maybe what we need is a blow up somefakebody that we could inflate when we're in the giving mood. and deflate the instant it got old.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Your imaginary friend was sounding very high maintenance. I'm glad you talked yourself out of him/her. I'm sure there would have been imaginary toilet seats left up and imaginary drama.

Nicole✗✗ said...

Haha, imaginary friends are so much more reliable!

Debbie said...

I think this sounds like a brilliant plan! Get one and let us know how it goes.

ladyfi said...

Thanks for putting a very real smile on my face! Good luck with your imaginary friend...

Al Penwasser said...

You think YOU clog the tube slide? I went down one of those things backwards (yes, I was drinking). They needed the jaws of life to get my fat butt out of there. I can still hear the cries of the neighborhood kids in my ears late at night: "Thar he blows!"

Debra said...

This inspires me to just come out of the closet and confess. I did have an imaginary friend that succeeded in getting me grounded for a year. But that’s a long story. Be on the lookout for a future blog post I’m probably about to write…
Charming post.
Cheers to imaginary friends!

sheila said...

I imagine they would die when you think they would. lol. :o)

Mrs. Tuna said...

Okay, so you left me a little comment and the crazy person I am I had to rush right over and look at your blog and I simply have to follow. If you follow me back it will make me feel validated and I will pay you back by being your imainary friend for at least week. Because that's the kind of trampy follower I am.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Haha I need one of those too! This is a great post. You're an awesome writer and lord knows I can relate to you. :)

carma said...

Judging from this post I think you are months away from handling an imaginary relationship of the kind you speak ;-)

Me said...

Forever

choochoo said...

when I was a kid, I had an imaginary superhero boyfriend. We've since broken up, so you can have him, if you want.

Sandee said...

If anything is imaginary then they live as long or as little as you want them to. That's the beauty.

Have a terrific day. :)

tweedles said...

I have an imaginary friend.
They are they are the best friends ever
love
tweedles

Katherine said...

I was thinking of an imaginary hermit crab, but the goldfish is just as good an idea! I think they live for an imaginary amount of time!

Stafford Ray said...

Try Jesus. Imaginary, ubiquitous, doesn't bother you unless invited, sends the occasional 7th dayer for you for sport and if you want you can cuss him out as in "Jesus Christ!" when you hurt yourself.

FrouFrouBritches said...

I need the same imaginary friend! Would you mind sharing? I don't want to commit to a totally chatty imaginary friend either. I don't have time enough to be chatty. Also, I want someone that is only there when I want them to be. I don't need a needy imaginary friend. I have my hands full with "real" needy people.

Me said...

Excellent.
Write a book.

The Pliers said...

I have a friend like that.

Would you like me to introduce you? Or do you prefer your imaginary fake acquaintances to be fake friendship virgins.

Well, actually, I don't yet have that friend. I keep thinking about getting her/him but the conversation in my mind on the subject usually runs along the lines of

"You are going to be so fucked if you don't start making some friends before your husband dies on you..."

"I know, but between him and my secretarial chores, I don't have time for a real friend and I haven't found a way to articulate my need for a friend, just in case my husband should die on me and I need on in a pinch... That sounds so needy."


Thank you, BTW, for you kind comment at S&BW.

♥ Braja said...

I'm happy to see that after such a long time away, I return to find you even more entertaining than before.

btw, your imaginary friend wrote me and said they're busy....

mel said...

I love that you just made me realize that having an imaginary friend is a commitment. I'm doing it too.

Busana Muslim said...

I like that that you say {as|like} my friend thanks

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