Here are some things to get everybody started, but feel free to improvise:
- Was that freckle there yesterday? Is it even really a freckle? Are you sure?
- You know you're forgetting something you were supposed to do. What was it again? Oh yeah that's right. You can't remember. And that's why it's not getting done. And you know what that means! Oh yeah, you don't. Because you can't remember. Something is going to happen and you have no idea what and it's your fault and you can't stop it.
- You feel okay now, but there's really no way to know how healthy the last fly that landed on you was, now is there?
- Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Do you know absolutely every law there is? No, you don't. Remember that the next time you hear sirens.
- Right now, somewhere in your mouth, there's a statistically probable chance a cavity is forming.
- How disappointed would the six year old you be with the progress you've made on the things you were definitely going to do as an adult? Have you been to the moon even once yet? What about the rest of your famous rock band? You do have a famous rock band, don't you?
- Oh my god! What time is it?
- Maybe instead of keeping yourself safe from it walking germs on you with it's dirty little feet, the last time you smashed a bug you actually released a tiny cloud of very potent killer pathogens into the atmosphere that are right now getting right to work on the important business of killing us all.
- Computers do not, generally speaking, spontaneously blow up and kill people. That doesn't mean it's impossible, that just means we have no way to see it coming.
- Blue ice.
- We all know our own bodies pretty well, sure, but few of us really know the actual, clinical difference between a normal bump and a dead in three months bump. Bet you don't.
- Something you own is lost. You don't know it yet, because you don't need it right now. When you do need it, though, it won't be there.
- You can't prove aliens from another planet aren't stealing your brain waves. Therefor it's logically possible they are. Hey, you need those brain waves!
- Jayne Martin just Twittered "I think people are following me." while I was writing that last bullet point. The odds of that being a coincidence are not good, my friends.
On the other hand, I used to cuddle that bear when I was sick, and it's been stored in a dark, warm trunk. Maybe I'll just cuddle a jug of peroxide and a bag of cotton balls instead.
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51 comments:
And here I was having a perfectly lovely day.
Well shit.
LMFAO! Damn you for making me pee my pants!!!!
You are one sick puppy.
I like that in a person. :)
Don't like Mondays, eh?
I hate it went my hallucinations get so real and physical. The other day, I was imagining a big stone monolith in my back yard, and all of a SUDDEN, it just toppled over and flattened me! I didn't freak out though. I calmly dialed for an ambulance.
What the hell's the matter with you?
NOW STOP THAT! ;-)
the aliens told me to tell you to stop mentioning them...lol. they are supposed to be a secret...
First, you're endlessly inventive with these post titles - will you never run out??
Second, I most definitely can prove that aliens from another planet aren't stealing my brainwaves. My brainwaves are free to all for the taking: they cannot, therefore, be stolen.
I don't care if I got them for free, Dogimo - nobody's getting your brain waves away from me without a fight! Or at least a security deposit.
I want my mommmmy. waaahhh
Warped, totally warped!
My 3 year old tells me that boys get freckles and girls get beauty marks. I just say ok.
I think this post is the story of my life...
Look what you did to Jayne!
Are you feeling better today? :)
BLOGitse
"Something is going to happen and you have no idea what and it's your fault and you can't stop it." Oh my God!
No, hang on, it's not my fault because the aliens stole my brain waves so it's the aliens' responsibility. Phew! Close call!
I always think about where the fly has been, always! And if there's one in the bathroom stall that I'm in, I FREAK OUT trying to stay away from it.
I would laugh harder...But thar isn't possible...
And here I was only worrying about getting struck by lightening when it isn't even raining. Can I join you under that bed? No, wait, you have germs. Never mind...
Just the type of thing I need to read while sitting here avoiding the 100 degree heat outside and nursing the worst summer cold I have had in years while watching the oil spill mess on CNN.
Mondays do indeed suck.
Great, I'm not even safe in the house. I so need to vacuum now.
Wonderment is a blessing of Life...
Okay, I guess I need to get my dentist on the phone. Shit.
Pshaw. There are things on my legs that I've been shaving around for years.
Thank you very much for the answer to the post I have stored and ready to publish. The aliens are stealing my brain waves!!!!!!
Well that perfectly suited my yesterday--which was Tuesday but felt like a frigging Monday with all the technological "glitches" we were experiencing!
Yes, I think I'll join you under the bed, I might even bring my bear. Thanks for another slice of humour, I laughed until i cried.
Plenty of good stuff to freak over. Thanks.
I think I'll just go off and have a little panic attack for the next few days... can you tell us when it is safe to come out ?
And in France, I guess you know about the bacteria in the cheese here ? And the sulfates in the wine ? And you also know about the satellite that is watching you... ? I agree with Raelene... well shit !
:-)
Wow! That's a whole lot to beef about. But then, you are an Albertan.
;-)
I found my way here through a comment you left at The Magic Lantern Show. Kind of a round-about route, coming from New Brunswick via France. Next time I'll just drive the hummer west.
thanks for the freakout. Just this weekend I was asking my husband to look at a spot on my shoulder that wasn't there last month. Now I'm really gonna panic!!
Dear Lord! It's the chaos theory to the ninh degree! ;)
Yea, what time is it? Or better what day. If I give my boss two things to sign at the same time he looks at his watch before he enters the date. Dude it's the same day it was three seconds ago. Holy DUH.
I'd freak out over this list too.
Just read several of your posts and couldn't stop laughing. I'll sure be back.
Okay, I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and screaming,"Lalalalalalala", until that nervous tic you just sic'd on me disappears..!
I have always hated the Aliens. Especially, the green people from Mars. Yep, they are stealing brainwaves. I guess, they are on to Chocolate bars too. The one in my drawer just went missing.
Calmness is overrated. Thanks for giving my heart a little work out.
Last time I checked my ex boyfriend that freckle was an extra nipple...Hello he was marky mark in cognition
Damn. I thought freaking out new readers with French was a good way to mess with them, but I think you win.
I won't forget many things on this list for a long time to come.. and I will definitely think of it every time I hear sirens or find a bump.
Funny stuff.
I have to laugh because the other option is just too dark and depressing.
Wonderful post! For me it is public bathrooms - having to crouch on the floor of one Saturday with my daughter on her potty, at eye level with the dirty toilet listening to all the adjoining toilets whooshing and flushing I kept imagining all the germs rushing towards me as I tried not to breathe.....
OK ... I did not need this right now. That freckle was NOT there yesterday and I do have a vague sense I was supposed to have done something important today. DAMN IT!
Oh dear. I am no having a full on freak out. But not for the reasons you listed (though they were certainly freak out inducing). But because thirty minutes ago I just used the phrase "What the freckle?" for the first time in my life and then I come here and you used it. It has to be kizmet. It has to me. Maybe we are long lost twins.
:-)
Traci
wow first time here and I walk into a germaphobe nightmare.
Lighten up already.
About those aliens - from Ellen DeGeneres - The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
It's not paranoia when they really ARE after you . . .
OK, let me just stop you right there. When they build a friggin rocket that can get me to the moon, I'll be right there, OK. Even if the friggin space suit is going to give me astronaut hair...gosh!!!!
Hilarious! Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not following you - right? ;-)
Note:
Stay off Twitter. ;-)
Aw... thank you. Really. I was having a real freak out day. And this just gave me a few more things to freak out about. lol And its nice to think about something else. =)
I had to take a tranquilizer.
Oh, no! Will we ever be safe? LOL. Have a great week.
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