Monday, July 5, 2010

No, no, not this title. Anything but this title!

Okay, let's all freak out, shall we? All at the same time, I mean. Like a group hug, only with more eye clawing and screaming. C'mon! It'll be good exercise!

Here are some things to get everybody started, but feel free to improvise:
  • Was that freckle there yesterday? Is it even really a freckle? Are you sure?
  • You know you're forgetting something you were supposed to do. What was it again? Oh yeah that's right. You can't remember. And that's why it's not getting done. And you know what that means! Oh yeah, you don't. Because you can't remember. Something is going to happen and you have no idea what and it's your fault and you can't stop it.
  • You feel okay now, but there's really no way to know how healthy the last fly that landed on you was, now is there?
  • Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Do you know absolutely every law there is? No, you don't. Remember that the next time you hear sirens.
  • Right now, somewhere in your mouth, there's a statistically probable chance a cavity is forming.
  • How disappointed would the six year old you be with the progress you've made on the things you were definitely going to do as an adult? Have you been to the moon even once yet? What about the rest of your famous rock band? You do have a famous rock band, don't you?
  • Oh my god! What time is it?
  • Maybe instead of keeping yourself safe from it walking germs on you with it's dirty little feet, the last time you smashed a bug you actually released a tiny cloud of very potent killer pathogens into the atmosphere that are right now getting right to work on the important business of killing us all.
  • Computers do not, generally speaking, spontaneously blow up and kill people. That doesn't mean it's impossible, that just means we have no way to see it coming.
  • Blue ice.
  • We all know our own bodies pretty well, sure, but few of us really know the actual, clinical difference between a normal bump and a dead in three months bump. Bet you don't.
  • Something you own is lost. You don't know it yet, because you don't need it right now. When you do need it, though, it won't be there.
  • You can't prove aliens from another planet aren't stealing your brain waves. Therefor it's logically possible they are. Hey, you need those brain waves!
  • Jayne Martin just Twittered "I think people are following me." while I was writing that last bullet point. The odds of that being a coincidence are not good, my friends.
And on that note enjoy your little group freak out. I'll be under the bed with my teddy bear.

On the other hand, I used to cuddle that bear when I was sick, and it's been stored in a dark, warm trunk. Maybe I'll just cuddle a jug of peroxide and a bag of cotton balls instead.

51 comments:

Pam said...

And here I was having a perfectly lovely day.

Raelene said...

Well shit.

injaynesworld said...

LMFAO! Damn you for making me pee my pants!!!!

You are one sick puppy.

I like that in a person. :)

secret agent woman said...

Don't like Mondays, eh?

mythopolis said...

I hate it went my hallucinations get so real and physical. The other day, I was imagining a big stone monolith in my back yard, and all of a SUDDEN, it just toppled over and flattened me! I didn't freak out though. I calmly dialed for an ambulance.

HalfAsstic.com said...

What the hell's the matter with you?
NOW STOP THAT! ;-)

Brian Miller said...

the aliens told me to tell you to stop mentioning them...lol. they are supposed to be a secret...

dogimo said...

First, you're endlessly inventive with these post titles - will you never run out??

Second, I most definitely can prove that aliens from another planet aren't stealing my brainwaves. My brainwaves are free to all for the taking: they cannot, therefore, be stolen.

tattytiara said...

I don't care if I got them for free, Dogimo - nobody's getting your brain waves away from me without a fight! Or at least a security deposit.

Cinner said...

I want my mommmmy. waaahhh

Eva Gallant said...

Warped, totally warped!

Slamdunk said...

My 3 year old tells me that boys get freckles and girls get beauty marks. I just say ok.

TheFrogBag said...

I think this post is the story of my life...

BLOGitse said...

Look what you did to Jayne!
Are you feeling better today? :)

BLOGitse

nick said...

"Something is going to happen and you have no idea what and it's your fault and you can't stop it." Oh my God!

No, hang on, it's not my fault because the aliens stole my brain waves so it's the aliens' responsibility. Phew! Close call!

blueviolet said...

I always think about where the fly has been, always! And if there's one in the bathroom stall that I'm in, I FREAK OUT trying to stay away from it.

e said...

I would laugh harder...But thar isn't possible...

Deanna said...

And here I was only worrying about getting struck by lightening when it isn't even raining. Can I join you under that bed? No, wait, you have germs. Never mind...

Tabor said...

Just the type of thing I need to read while sitting here avoiding the 100 degree heat outside and nursing the worst summer cold I have had in years while watching the oil spill mess on CNN.

Jazz said...

Mondays do indeed suck.

MAB Jewelry said...

Great, I'm not even safe in the house. I so need to vacuum now.

buffalodick said...

Wonderment is a blessing of Life...

Fragrant Liar said...

Okay, I guess I need to get my dentist on the phone. Shit.

Megan said...

Pshaw. There are things on my legs that I've been shaving around for years.

gayle said...

Thank you very much for the answer to the post I have stored and ready to publish. The aliens are stealing my brain waves!!!!!!

Cathryn said...

Well that perfectly suited my yesterday--which was Tuesday but felt like a frigging Monday with all the technological "glitches" we were experiencing!

....Petty Witter said...

Yes, I think I'll join you under the bed, I might even bring my bear. Thanks for another slice of humour, I laughed until i cried.

Leah J. Utas said...

Plenty of good stuff to freak over. Thanks.

Owen said...

I think I'll just go off and have a little panic attack for the next few days... can you tell us when it is safe to come out ?

And in France, I guess you know about the bacteria in the cheese here ? And the sulfates in the wine ? And you also know about the satellite that is watching you... ? I agree with Raelene... well shit !
:-)

...louciao... said...

Wow! That's a whole lot to beef about. But then, you are an Albertan.
;-)
I found my way here through a comment you left at The Magic Lantern Show. Kind of a round-about route, coming from New Brunswick via France. Next time I'll just drive the hummer west.

carma said...

thanks for the freakout. Just this weekend I was asking my husband to look at a spot on my shoulder that wasn't there last month. Now I'm really gonna panic!!

nitebyrd said...

Dear Lord! It's the chaos theory to the ninh degree! ;)

linlah said...

Yea, what time is it? Or better what day. If I give my boss two things to sign at the same time he looks at his watch before he enters the date. Dude it's the same day it was three seconds ago. Holy DUH.

Gaelyn said...

I'd freak out over this list too.

Just read several of your posts and couldn't stop laughing. I'll sure be back.

Shrinky said...

Okay, I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and screaming,"Lalalalalalala", until that nervous tic you just sic'd on me disappears..!

Mr. Stupid said...

I have always hated the Aliens. Especially, the green people from Mars. Yep, they are stealing brainwaves. I guess, they are on to Chocolate bars too. The one in my drawer just went missing.

Unknown Mami said...

Calmness is overrated. Thanks for giving my heart a little work out.

Just telling it like it is said...

Last time I checked my ex boyfriend that freckle was an extra nipple...Hello he was marky mark in cognition

ScoMan said...

Damn. I thought freaking out new readers with French was a good way to mess with them, but I think you win.

I won't forget many things on this list for a long time to come.. and I will definitely think of it every time I hear sirens or find a bump.

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Funny stuff.

I have to laugh because the other option is just too dark and depressing.

Aging Mommy said...

Wonderful post! For me it is public bathrooms - having to crouch on the floor of one Saturday with my daughter on her potty, at eye level with the dirty toilet listening to all the adjoining toilets whooshing and flushing I kept imagining all the germs rushing towards me as I tried not to breathe.....

Jenners said...

OK ... I did not need this right now. That freckle was NOT there yesterday and I do have a vague sense I was supposed to have done something important today. DAMN IT!

Traci said...

Oh dear. I am no having a full on freak out. But not for the reasons you listed (though they were certainly freak out inducing). But because thirty minutes ago I just used the phrase "What the freckle?" for the first time in my life and then I come here and you used it. It has to be kizmet. It has to me. Maybe we are long lost twins.
:-)
Traci

lisleman said...

wow first time here and I walk into a germaphobe nightmare.
Lighten up already.

About those aliens - from Ellen DeGeneres - The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

Vicki Lane said...

It's not paranoia when they really ARE after you . . .

frigginloon said...

OK, let me just stop you right there. When they build a friggin rocket that can get me to the moon, I'll be right there, OK. Even if the friggin space suit is going to give me astronaut hair...gosh!!!!

LadyFi said...

Hilarious! Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not following you - right? ;-)

Merisi said...

Note:
Stay off Twitter. ;-)

The Blue Zoo said...

Aw... thank you. Really. I was having a real freak out day. And this just gave me a few more things to freak out about. lol And its nice to think about something else. =)

Nessa said...

I had to take a tranquilizer.

Rosidah Abidin said...

Oh, no! Will we ever be safe? LOL. Have a great week.

About Me

My photo
Alberta, Canada
Quality blog entertainments delivered in a convenient, electronic format, and widely read by the sexiest, most intelligent, and wittiest people on the internet - all of whom practice exemplary personal hygiene.