Monday, June 14, 2010

Would this title look better branded on a baby seal or carved in elephant ivory?

I don't eat babies. Don't even nibble on them. Likewise I don't so much as own the proper footwear for kicking puppies or any kind of meat grinder at all, let alone one capable of processing kitten meat. Please take all of this into account when I say that I'm kind of disappointed they've stopped making Hummers.

Yes, I'm keenly aware that there is a rapidly expanding puddle of murder soup in the ocean. I'm similarly aware that Hummers slurp that soup as obnoxiously as a toothless geriatric with clogged sinuses strains beef barley through ill-fitting dentures. The whole eating the planet and farting hate clouds thing isn't what I'm talking about. I'm just going to miss seeing the things. I think they're sweet.

Thing is, Hummers kind of look like the kinds of vehicles three year olds would drive. They're like giant safety cars for little people who need a little extra protection while they get the whole driving thing figured out. Who, until they do, can't be trusted to keep all four wheels on the road if they happen to pass a toy store, playground, or a particularly compelling cow. Everything's over sized and easy to grasp for infantile hand-eye co-ordination skills, and they're built nice and steady so they won't tip over if the driver gets over excited or forgot to go potty before leaving the house.

Seriously. If Fisher Price designed vehicles, they would design Hummers. You know I'm right.

I guess it's not so much the actual vehicles I'm going to miss as the wildly giggling toddler perched on a stack of phone books I imagine to be steering the things every time I pass one. Don't worry about me, though. I'll get through this.

They still make Harleys, after all.

50 comments:

Kay said...

:) Very well versed!

Tabor said...

People who are trying to get driving 'figured out' should not be driving tanks!

mythopolis said...

I think it would be a better world if Fisher Price made little red plastic pedal cars and fire engines for adults. And no horns, unless they are those squeeze bulb kind. Little chrome bells on a pull chain would also be nice. "Ding-ding-ding! Hey, get outa my way, you big bully!" Those electric bumper cars would be good too. After all, its starting to look like a carnival everywhere anyway. And people should be arrested for driving while under the influence of Slurpees.

nick said...

I'd never thought of Hummers as ideal for baby-drivers. Now you mention it, that's about right. That may explain why our own versions of these giants cruise majestically along the road apparently oblivious to every other road user who's expected to get out of the way sharpish. Typical self-absorbed toddler behaviour.

Jazz said...

Hummers. Perfect illustration of the theory that the size of your car is in direct proportion to the size of your sexual insecturities.

Shrinky said...

I love how your mind works, this was such a fun read! It took me a part-way through to figure out a Hummer is a CAR, but then, I've always been slow on the up-take (grin)..

thesunnyabyss said...

boy you hit the nail on the head with that one,
how's Miss Cynthia doing these days?

Julianna Cannon said...

You are pure brilliance.

Eva Gallant said...

That is too funny! I think you must be right!

Raelene said...

So very true, and hilarious. Your blog is my favorite!

buffalodick said...

Years ago, I went by the plant where they were made in Indiana..hundreds sitting in a big lot- looked like an Army base, not a car plant!

Deanna said...

A rather fem hairdresser guy, who works where I get my hair fixed, drives a Hummer. I'll never be able to look at him, without stifling a grin, again!

Where the Fur Flies said...

Harley's are cool.

Hummers are, as far as I can tell, a byproduct of short man syndrome.

Beth said...

Thanks for the morning cackle (or six). I'd never thought of it that way! Maybe they'll replace Hummers with adult-sized foot-powered cars? Then they can drive like toddlers without drinking hate soup.

Brian Miller said...

smiles. thanks for the chuckles...i agree with the comment ont he size of the vehicle with sexual insecurity...thus my really small...car...

UglyGerbil said...

Ya, I can see that, but then I think back to the time I saw a Hummer with its dashboard positively festooned with American flags, and then I realize they're driven not by 3 year old, but by douchebags.

It also reminds me of my favorite Hummer story:

My friend Chris was crossing the street & came around the side of a Hummer. A guy on the sidewalk very derisively asked "is that your car? Without skipping a beat, Chris shot back "Nope, I'm comfortable with the size of my penis."

Best part? Chris drives a Mini Cooper.

:D

Sarah P said...

That is what's called "perspective," people.

P.S. I think the title would look best branded on a baby seal WITH carved elephant ivory.

injaynesworld said...

Okay, I'll give you your Hummer-love. But we must never speak of it again. ;)

secret agent woman said...

Yes, but they are also the kind inexperienced drivers would ram the regular cars with. Killing the people who try to make responsible choices. So I think they ought to be out-lawed. And I say that as the mother of a brand new driver.

Debbie said...

You are too funny! I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Jenners said...

I think many infantile people do drive Hummers so your analogy is quite apt.

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

This is my favorite post ever!!! Toddler on phonebooks! I love it!

Krimmyk said...

I do think Fisher Price designed the civilian Hummer! I always thought the same thing. That's kind of funny.

Vicki Lane said...

(Giggle!) Love this post!

linlah said...

Thanks for bursting my bubble I thought Fischer-Price did desing the Hummer.

Slamdunk said...

Well written post.

I would be just happy if my main mode of transportation was a bicycle.

TC said...

I like hummers too, I was ashamed to admit it because they are so over the top conspicuous and no one owns them around here except that lawyers wife that keeps driving not drunk but running into things people shouldn't for some reason.
I've never associated them with fisher price but now that you mention it....

Cathryn said...

ROFLMAO! Ok--that took the cake! I never thought of Hummers in this manner and now when I see one, I'll burst into uncontrollable giggles! We have like three or four Hummers in town--that means I can giggle and point to the infantile drivers! LOL

blognut said...

Looking at Hummers never made me giggle nearly as much as just knowing they are called Hummers.

I will never grow up so much I stop thinking that shit is funny.

The Blue Zoo said...

My friend has a Hummer and I cant wait to tease her about her Fisher Price SUV now!! LOL

Gibby said...

Great post! So yeah, I get this. I recycle, reuse, changed light bulbs, etc. But man do I love SUVs!!

Just telling it like it is said...

I think I would prefer to give hummers!but you have a right to your opinion!

carma said...

couldn't agree more about Hummers. Those that drive them are clearly overcompensating for lacking in other areas...

Unknown Mami said...

I didn't know they were going to stop making Hummers. That doesn't mean I have to stop giving them does it?

Buckeroomama said...

I totally see it... baby on a stack of phone books, gleefully driving a Hummer.

Love the imagery! :)

Traci said...

You are too funny! I saw a bumper sticker that said "My Hummer can crush your Prius". Obnoxious -- yes. Funny -- Hell, yes!
:-)

TheFrogBag said...

I knew they reminded me of something! I can totally see it now. As to Harleys, I think you're on to something there too. Just yesterday we were stuck behind a huge yellow bike with a tiny baby boomer stuck on top of it. He really looked like a kid on a trike! He was having trouble steering the thing too. Kids and their toys, I swear...

e said...

Dear Tattytiara,

I was sick and on the verge of tears til I read this and laughed for five minutes! You are a gem.

How is Cynthia?

LadyFi said...

Oh, very witty! And yes, I see that you're right. Hummers are just like those toy trucks my kids play with...

frigginloon said...

I heard China bought out Hummer. Now you can picture little Chinese babies stacked on even bigger phone books!!!!

Rosidah Abidin said...

Your last sentence cracked me up. I didn't know that they stopped producing Hummers. I can quite relate to your feelings about them as giant safety cars. Based on all these speed drivers on the road nowadays, we still need them. Have a wonderful week.

Betty Manousos said...

Love this post!!So very true and hilarious!
Your new template is awesome!
Hope you having a great weekend!
~B :)

Megan said...

LOVE this. I can't help but chuckle when I see one of those babies on the road. Which here in So Cal is still a fairly frequent occurrence...

Mrsbear said...

Hahaha. I never looked at it that way. Although, I have to admit, the thought of driving toddlers isn't exactly comforting. Mine has enough trouble wielding a pencil. I can't imagine what his road rage would be like.

Queenie Jeannie said...

Once upon a time my husband wanted one. But he didn't get one. Oh well! LOL!!

I really don't feel strongly about them one way or another...they were never even remotely something we could afford.

Julie Buz. said...

OMG. This is, beyond all doubt, the best blog post I've ever read. There are no words to describe how fantastic it is - thank you for this!

Jocelyn said...

Maybe we could all meet at a Hummer graveyard and act like toddlers together. I'll bring the phone books.

Nessa said...

I hear babies are tasty.

Hummers make me laugh - all of them.

mythopolis said...

Yoo hoo,.. 48 people just commented, you must have some kind of response? No?

Jason, as himself said...

Hummers make me grouchy!

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