I don't eat babies. Don't even nibble on them. Likewise I don't so much as own the proper footwear for kicking puppies or any kind of meat grinder at all, let alone one capable of processing kitten meat. Please take all of this into account when I say that I'm kind of disappointed they've stopped making Hummers.
Yes, I'm keenly aware that there is a rapidly expanding puddle of murder soup in the ocean. I'm similarly aware that Hummers slurp that soup as obnoxiously as a toothless geriatric with clogged sinuses strains beef barley through ill-fitting dentures. The whole eating the planet and farting hate clouds thing isn't what I'm talking about. I'm just going to miss seeing the things. I think they're sweet.
Thing is, Hummers kind of look like the kinds of vehicles three year olds would drive. They're like giant safety cars for little people who need a little extra protection while they get the whole driving thing figured out. Who, until they do, can't be trusted to keep all four wheels on the road if they happen to pass a toy store, playground, or a particularly compelling cow. Everything's over sized and easy to grasp for infantile hand-eye co-ordination skills, and they're built nice and steady so they won't tip over if the driver gets over excited or forgot to go potty before leaving the house.
Seriously. If Fisher Price designed vehicles, they would design Hummers. You know I'm right.
I guess it's not so much the actual vehicles I'm going to miss as the wildly giggling toddler perched on a stack of phone books I imagine to be steering the things every time I pass one. Don't worry about me, though. I'll get through this.
They still make Harleys, after all.
- ▼ June (2)