Thursday, June 10, 2010

You'd better not read any further than the title if you're not okay with discussions of barf.

I have the stomach of a god. You can't tell by looking at it (unless perhaps the god you're referencing happens to be Baccchus), but I do. Yea, I have walked through the valley of stomach flu, and have needed no bucket. Thirty one barf free years - that's including the year of the dreaded vodka and tang experiment - and still counting, baby yeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!

Maybe some day I'll even build back enough confidence to eat something. That's right, I'd rather starve than barf. It's not so much the incredible discomfort. It's not just the horrifying feeling of suffocation. It's not necessarily even the terror of not being able to stop due to the self propagating nature of barf (it's one of the principal laws of nature that you have to barf when you're facing a pile of barf, and since nature also dictates that you face a pile of barf while you're the process of making a pile of barf it's a miracle we ever get anything else done at all, really).

It's the betrayal. The horrible, horrible betrayal.

My body gets hungry. It tells me it needs food. It does this in a variety of ways:

It commandeers my attention. I'll see only the coupon for 25 cents off a side of fries, not the stack of large bills with a "Free money! Help yourself!" sign it's laying on or the beautiful naked man professing his love for me holding it.

It embarrasses me. "I'm really looking forward to showing you these expensive options for your lavishly budgeted event, but first an entertaining selection of noises from my intestinal region."

If not attended to promptly enough, it will even very happily resort to pain. And how do I respond to this blatant manipulation?

I give in! I feed it! I give it everything it wants! And what do I ask in return?

Digestion. That's it. We have entered into a solemn pact, and I have already kept up my end of the deal. All I ask is that my body does with the food I worked hard to afford and prepare for it what it indicated that it was going to use the food for when it was demanding it.

I do not take kindly at all to having it literally thrown back in my face.

So I simply do not allow it. Nope. Not coming back this way. You know where the exit is. Use it. Go ahead! Make me drool, groan, pray for release from the horror that is unending nausea. You're not getting your way.

Darn skippy I'll take the pain on principle. Sure I suffer needlessly for an exponentially longer time than I would if I just gave in and opened the front door for the pestilence instead, but at least I suffer with the knowledge that I win.

Yay me!

Maybe?

37 comments:

Buckeroomama said...

Ugh! Hope you feel better soon. I'd rather it come out the other end than barf! *sorry* There is no worse feeling...

nick said...

What a shame there's nobody with particularly obnoxious political opinions in the vicinity. Then you could just say "Here's what I think of your vile opinions" and puke solidly for twenty minutes. Unwanted effluent put to good use.

Brian Miller said...

ack. hope you feel better...and at least you win...smiles.

Pam said...

Ick. How you can still be funny and barfing is beyond me.

mythopolis said...

I simply LOVE discussions about barf! I hung on every word. A gripping horror story! It is such an existential dilemma when suddenly it seems stuff wants to violently exit your body, and you run to the bathroom not knowing whether to frantically sit on the toilet or put your face down in it! In any case, it is time to think fast!!!

Tabor said...

I am afraid I am the 'throw up' the white flag type. I want the agony to end ASAP. Hope you feel better soon.

discount cookware said...

The picture with that bird is looking beautiful. Its grate fun to hold that bird. keep on uploading these kind of blogs.

thesunnyabyss said...

feel better my friend!

Raelene said...

Oooh, I hope you feel better soon....and you definitely win!
I have to say, I've never read the word "barf" so many times in my life, and I doubt I will again...lol.

blueviolet said...

I don't blame you. Barfing is the absolute worst feeling. Horrendous.

Deanna said...

Oh go ahead and barf. You'll feel better for it. Trust me!

Jazz said...

No worse feeling but at the same time how great it feels to have it gone. In a sick sort of way it almost becomes worth it.

Nessa said...

Winning is always a good thing.

Jason, as himself said...

That is a long time without barfing! I hate it too, soooooo badly.

Which reminds me that a couple of months ago, one of my students barfed all over another one of students. It was so nasty, but the girl who got barfed on didn't even really seem to mind!

Candice said...

Oh man, I've mastered the art of barfing on command in college when I had to deal with hangovers. Really, you should try it. A toothbrush does the trick.

e said...

You and I had the same adventures in stomach flu land this week...I do hope you feel better now.

Roschelle said...

Wow...that was a helluva post on barf...lol! And you're so right...barf...breeds...more barfing.

When I've had the dreadful duty of cleaning up barf after one of my patient's barfs....my gag reflex is so strong...I've almost barfed on the patient who's barf I was cleaning up...

At any rate....feel better soon!!

My name is PJ. said...

Feel better soon!!

....Petty Witter said...

Barf - I love that word. So much more descriptive than vomit don't you think? Hoping all is well soon. I'm now trying desperatly to remember the medical term for fear of barfing.

....Petty Witter said...

Husband dearest informs me that the term I am looking for is emetophobia - doesn't that make you feel better?

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Hope you're feeling better today.
Barfing is quite a terrible feeling.
Betty xx

P.s. I love, love your writing style :)You're so good with words.

Just telling it like it is said...

Volka and Tang I don't think I have ever heard of that...and it made me giggle out loud...Vomit doesn't bother me unless I am getting barfed on!!! Now vomiting for recreational purposes grosses me out...especially when it is help in jars in the closet..I know sorry for sharing but I once new a girl that did that very thing...

Charlene said...

LOL I read your warning and was anticipating your blog being of the "mommy" type. Thank gawd it wasn't!

I disagree with Buckeroomama, the other end is not worse. After all that end is made for elimination. The mouth is not! The mouth in an in only and the butt is for the out only.

I am glad to report I don't get sick often, but when I do, it's a double whammy and I may as well remain naked and spend my time right at the toilet door.

mythopolis said...

Bottom line I think, is when this kinda thing hits you...you gotta drink fluids. Lots and lots. People are generally dehydrated anyway, add to that, vomiting or diarhhea, you are seriously short of fluid. Think aqua, whenever you are sick.

linlah said...

I'm amazed at your power over barfing, it's all just mind over matter right.

buffalodick said...

I found barfing was preferable to not getting rid of something my body said no to...

Traci said...

A few months ago I had the worst stomach flu of my life -- it literally met my definition of hell. One day I hope to hear more about the Tang and Vodka experiment!

Unknown Mami said...

I recently lost that battle. It was not fun. Hope everything comes out the way you want it to in the end.

Cathryn said...

I am so with you there! Nothing I hate more than having stomach flu--the kind that refuses to exit through normal channels!

Queenie Jeannie said...

You poor thing! I hope this all ends very, very soon!!!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Hope you are feeling better already.

I'm still wrapping my mind around you getting through 30 years without throwing up.

secret agent woman said...

Oh, I hate that for you.

(Um - I think you would find pregnancy difficult. I had 6 months of all day morning sickness.)

frigginloon said...

Be warned Tatty Tiara, there WILL be carrots !!!!

LadyFi said...

Better out than in is the principle that has chosen me.

Feel better soon!

Jocelyn said...

My body image pathologies run deep enough that I take any intestinal distress, no matter which orifice it exits from, as a welcome opportunity to shed pounds.

Damn if I don't remember last year's 7-pound weight loss due to roiling bowels as a particularly gratifying week.

So, um, may you make progress in that fashion? How's that?

Rosidah Abidin said...

Wishing you a speedy recovery and a wonderful week. Thirty one barf free years are remarkable. I would love to defeat my digestion problems for good, but it tends to win both ways.

Gibby said...

Vodka and tang! Hilarious! I can only imagine what that tasted like...

About Me

My photo
Alberta, Canada
Quality blog entertainments delivered in a convenient, electronic format, and widely read by the sexiest, most intelligent, and wittiest people on the internet - all of whom practice exemplary personal hygiene.