Thursday, December 23, 2010

Isn't there a service that can just deliver these titles pre-made?

Thank you in advance to everybody who is going to make the effort of telling me what the real meaning of the holiday season is over the coming days. Thank you for letting me know how shallow I am to enjoy a day spent devoted to purchasing commercially produced objects that will make the people I care about happy, and by extension how shallow the people I care about are for being made happy by commercially produced objects. Thank you for telling me that I am misguided to indulge in consumerism on a scale which can not be sustained throughout the year, because I was stupid enough to think that was kind of the point of a festival - to enjoy an excess of something that over the normal course of events I can engage in only moderately.

Well slap me stupid. Turns out I'm simply soulless.

Turns out I'm not supposed to be giving people stuff from the mall that I know they want. I'm supposed to give them home baked goods they may or may not want and will either be forced to eat anyway or feel guilty about throwing away. Or crap from goodwill - hey maybe I'll get lucky and wind up giving them back something they donated! "Merry Christmas! I found a lamp that perfectly matches the lamp next to your sof... hey, something happen to your lamp? Good thing I found this one!"

Of course if I truly were in any way evolved above the sludge that enlightened people's ancestors crawled out of, I'd hand make presents for everybody. After all, if you buy somebody something they don't like, they can just donate it to charity. Make them something they don't like, and they'll feel obliged to drag it around for the rest of their lives, no matter how hideous it is. That, as everybody with higher brain function knows, is true holiday spirit.

Listen here, wholesome holiday heroes - if you want lovin' from the oven, a charitable receipt and a sweater that there's a reasonable chance somebody died wearing, I want you to have and to enjoy all of those things. Your holidays should be everything you want them to be!

And so, my friend, should mine.

If I want a tree planted, I'll plant one. Don't plant one for me and call it a present. Not unless it's in Hawaii, and you plan on taking me over there to hug it personally. No. You get me something from a mall, wrapped in the pulverized and painted corpse of a tree. Got it?

The point of a one day a year holiday celebration is not donating to charity, exercising frugality, baking and making things for people you care about, and/or offering to help them out with baby sitting or chores.

THAT'S THE POINT OF EVERY DAY.

Charity, considerate acts, frugality: 364 days/yr

Orgy at the mall: 1 day/yr (conveniently identified as "Holiday")

That's right, zen master flash, a lot of holiday mall sluts do that crap day in and day out, all year round. Bragging that you manage it one day a year is not garnering you the admiration you think it does.

Now get off your high horse, get to the mall, and buy me something pretty. While you're there you can pick me up some glue and macaroni so I can make all of your holiday dreams come true too, okay?

51 comments:

Brian Miller said...

glue & macaroni smiles... enjoy yourself and i hope you get what you wish for...

randine said...

Ha ha. I laughed at the "sweater that there's a reasonable chance someone died wearing."

Just this morning I was listening to a coworker drone on for over twenty minutes about gifts she's made over the years. I tried not to roll my eyes. One thing was a wreath made of Werthers candy that were stitched on, somehow. I mean- of all the useless things. Give me a gift card anytime.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! I loved this post! I too am a little tired of hearing all about the "true" meaning of Christmas! Thanks for giving me some great laughs!

Diana said...

Oh this can be such a difficult time for all of us. The pressure of gift buying just became too much for me financially. So what do I do now you ask?
Simple. I buy a small gift for the grandkids. They get so many that they really don't care what I buy them.
Then I go and spend the day with my family. We like to eat good food. We like to catch up. That's what we enjoy!
Than I go home and ponder on how blessed I am to have these wonderful children and grandchildren. And I thank God that I truly know that Christmas is about the celebration of the birth of Jesus.
Call me whatever you want but over the years, I have found this to be the most satisfying way for ME to enjoy this holiday.
I have grown to despise commercialism. It just does not feel right. And when it's all said and done, shouldn't we really do what feels right?
I hope that you have a Blessed Christmas. I think that we are all truly Blessed! Love Di ♥

Kay said...

I only wish it were one day a year!!! I mean, considering the massive amounts of Birthdays, babyshowers, weddings, emgagment parties, house-warming parties, "I got a new job/raise" parties etc....

what then?

Is that when we get the recycled lamp??? (haha loved that by the way)!

mythopolis said...

I had to say a prayer for you this morning:

Dear God, who art really Santa Claus, I know by now you probably have been following Tatty's blogs, and have scratched her off your list. But I know that faith, even the size of a grain of salt, can move whole shopping malls. And, I know, in my heart-of-hearts, that if you would bring her her very own shopping mall, she will try to do better next year. So, give the gal one more chance. Thanks Santa. I think you are really swell. Amen

Tabor said...

Wow, someone lit your fire! Here is to many crowded hours with your eager fellow holiday humans looking for that perfect something to put under the tree.

Gen said...

Merry Christmas my friend, have a wonderful one!!

jules said...

HA HA HA! That was a fantastic rant! Loved your point of view! Well done!

injaynesworld said...

LMAO! Best Christmas post ever! I'm sure we were separated at birth, except you're the genius. This post has "Wish I'd written this" all over it. I will be kicking my muse's ass for her slovenly, unimaginative ways.

Merry Christmas, my friend.

Rachel said...

LOL - awesomeness. Thanks for the laughs during this crazy day!

At the very least, I hope you enjoy the heck out of your family and loved ones, no matter how you celebrate!

haphazardlife said...

Thank you. Yes indeed thank you.

- Jazz

linlah said...

Hugging a tree in Hawaii sounds like my kind of present.

...louciao... said...

Dang! I thought you'd love this homebaked, handknit, rice-krispied, glitter-glued, re-gifted tatty tiara I crafted for you with recycled toilet paper tubes. And now the mall's closed. Maybe next year? Merry Christmas anyway.

Buckeroomama said...

LOL! I loved this. Good points there.

I hope you get lots of what you wish for. =)

Deanna said...

Thank you for putting things into perspective! Still laughing here.

Merry Christmas. Your hand knitted leg warmers are in the mail.

Hilary said...

Oh too funny. You made me smile, giggle, chuckle and guffaw!

Just telling it like it is said...

Well I am not one for the Holidays except of coarse Halloween when I can dress up really slutty and get away with it!

Queenie Jeannie said...

People cannot be trusted. So I buy what I want myself. All year long. Somehow it just works for me. *smile*

Unknown Mami said...

If you could shorten this it would be perfect for a Christmas greeting card.

Love your sense of humor.

Rita said...

OMG!! I am soooo glad you popped by my blog! I signed me up for more giggles. You are such a hoot! I thought I was going to spit my coffee on the screen when I was reading about the doggie diapers! I have to go and read some of the older posts...:):)

Sandra said...

OMG this post is sheer genius, and I would love to copy and paste it on the Facebook status of someone who was claiming exactly that: that Christmas is the creation of multimillion dollar empires, blah blah blah...I felt like saying: "I just want stuff. For one fricken day of the year, give me a gift of my choosing. Preferably something shiny and expensive, although a tree in Hawaii that you will fly me out to hug personally will do too!" This was brilliance!

BLOGitse said...

Sorry, no present for you - because we haven't bought xmas presents for years. :)
We just enjoy good food, drink and each others company.

Debbie said...

Yes, this cracked me up! I agree that everyone should celebrate they way they want to.

nick said...

Ha, how right you are. Why waste hours looking for (what you imagine are) perfect presents or hand-crafting yak-hair lampshades? Life is too short. Christmas is for chilling out and enjoying yourself, preferably with no preparation whatever except a quick raid on the supermarket.

Mrs.Mayhem said...

Well, even the pastor at our church agrees with your point of view. His sermon on the 26th was basically a discussion of everyone's favorite presents. WTF?!

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

But even the Grinch discovered that "Christmas doesn't come from a store."

I'm not ashamed to bake ugly things to saddle my family with for the rest of their natural lives.

They deserve it.

Hope your Christmas was very commercial and Merry!

carma said...

HA HA!! You are back in rare form I see; and I'm guessing you would not have wanted me to purchase you a gift at my son's school "alternative gift fair" wherein parents were invited to buy donations to charity to give to people in lieu of gifts. I mean who doesn't want a slip of paper saying money was donated to a charity?????
I'm making a mental note to get you one of those for next year.

Waterrose said...

I want a can of gold paint as well...along with my glue and macaroni! Love this and know that so many people don't want to admit they want that shiny, sparkly commercial package!

Myrna R. said...

Hope your holidays were grand. I think your writing is wonderful, so funny and witty. Love it!

StarTraci said...

Well, I hope that Macy's now has an empty shelf with the name Tatty Tiara on it. May your heart glow with the scent of scented candles, be warmed by a cashmere shrug, and brightened with a 55" inch plasma TV. Merry Christmas to a woman who knows the real spirit of the holiday.
:-)
Traci

Joanna Jenkins said...

Everyone needs a macaroni necklace or two.
Happy shopping :-)
Cheers, jj

Melissa B. said...

"Slap me stupid"? I thought my Nana coined that phrase! And I agree with you...the best thing about wrapping up the holidays is I don't have to hear from any more sanctimonious windbags...

Jean Knee said...

I love me a nice macaroni collage.

especially if it's spray painted gold

Twisted Susan said...

Christmas ain't for sissies.

Cinner said...

Hope you had a great Christmas and I wanted to wish you a very happy New Year. glad you stopped by. hugs.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hiacynth LOL
Thanks for the call at Plato.
Will have a little rtead of this a little later - sounds just up my street.
Happy New Year
Eddie

Main blog

http://eddybluelights.blogspot.com/

Clouds and Silvery linings

Marla said...

Ok, the buying the lamp at Goodwill bit.....hysterical!!!

secret agent woman said...

Damn, I was just coming over here to tell you what a shallow, soul-less person you are and you took the wind right out of my sails.

(One of my sister's asked me what store my kids would like gift cards to and my sons said, "Why can't she just give us money so we can buy whatever we want to?" I thought they made a good point.)

Chris said...

You're welcome. Also, I hope you're making your own clothes for the holiday parties. Seriously, home-baked holidays are fine for old people who are already trying to give away all of the shit they don't need that is filling up their garage. But holidays are what malls for for, really.

The Blue Zoo said...

lol Thats hilarious!

Ive never heard the term mall slut. lmao

Jean Knee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Snowbrush said...

Glue and macaroni! Eeeewww! I've heard people talk about stick-to-your-ribs goodness, but I don't really think that's what they had in mind. Then again, maybe I missed something. In either, any, or all events, however, forever, and hence ever, I would prefer cheese, pleese.

P.S. I don't go to no mall for nobody, even if it would get me free macaroni and cheese. I'll pick you up something at Costco though.

Megan said...

Oh I do love this blog.

My new place is here, hope you continue to drop by!

Happy new year? :)

Rosidah Abidin said...

LOL. I enjoyed this post very much. You hit the nail on top for me. Wishing you all the best in 2011 :)

Cocotte said...

I needed to read this post BEFORE the holidays!

....Petty Witter said...

I don't know about souless - refreshingly honest is the term I would personally use.

Super Happy Girl said...

FYI: Ducks have souls.

/The end.

Snowbrush said...

Ducks have souls? I'm unaware that people have souls, but if people do have souls, then surely ducks do, so I'll give you that much anyway.

cornflakegirl74 said...

This post is absolutely awesome. I am with you. I have had some very talented friends give me things they've made and have loved them (paintings, photo books, etc...) but I've also received wool potholders (can you explain the logic in that??) and clothing items I wouldn't want to dress my worst enemy in.

Also, I just read over some of your comments and the one Radine submitted about a wreath made of Werther's!? The hell???

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and leaving such a wonderful (and romantic) story so I could find you here today :) Happy new year and have a great weekend!

Vicki Lane said...

Hilarious! The holidaze are over but I'm glad I didn't miss reading this post!

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