I can't decide which definition of title to use in this title.

I would have been in little girl hell if I had been a child in this century. I never had the slightest desire to be a princess, and would have been driven batty by all the marketing designed to convince me that being one is the best thing ever since Jello powder sandwiches (have you eaten one? No? Okay, probably best to let me do the commentary on them then).

I have a very vivid imagination, sure, but there has to be some grain of possibility for me to be able to enjoy any fantasy. Last I heard unlikely isn't impossible, and until it is I don't have to let the dream of being cast as James Bond die, even if I am reasonably confident that Jolie chick's going to land the role next. I've come to accept, however, that licking my elbow just isn't going to happen no matter how hard I try. Or how many times I try. Or what angle I try it from. Or who I have helping me. And it's not worth the chiropractic bill anyway. Likewise a princess is pretty much by definition something you have to be from birth, and that whole premise fell completely apart right from the moment my constituent sperm and egg parts collided. Sure, you can marry into the title, but those are fake princesses - they're just apprenticing for a job they'll never hold independently. They get the corner office and a good parking spot, sure, but they'll never run the company.

Becoming a queen, on the other hand, is an entirely more realistic option. Unlike being a princess, that's a title you can gain honestly and independently the old fashioned way - through the taking by force.

Okay, perhaps realistic is too strong a word. That said, though, if you're going to have an unrealistic dream, why wouldn't you have the biggest one available? What the hell are little girls wasting their time dreaming about being princesses for anyway? Have you ever heard of a kid dreaming about becoming vice president or an opening act? Is almost important still the best little girls are being taught they can hope for?

Think back on all the famous princesses throughout history. If you got further back than Diana you get a cookie, but if you only got as far as Margaret you get a cookie with a bite already taken out of it. Bottom line is the only princesses who really make history are the ones who ascend to the throne.

And nobody did a more fabulous job of that than Queen Elizabeth the First. Now there's a woman who truly came to embody what it means to be a queen. She sank navies, survived assassination, wore the biggest dresses on the planet and chopped peoples' heads off. Also guided a violently divided nation from the brink of bankruptcy into a golden age of peace and prosperity. Where's her cartoon? Forget about it. You don't get a Disney musical unless you have sex with a Prince, and that she very pointedly did not do.

Well I actually didn't like Disney when I was a kid, so I didn't waste time dreaming of being rescued by one lousy knight in shining armor when it was just as easy to dream myself the command of a whole freaking army of knights in shining armor. Glass slippers don't even sound comfortable. A crown, on the other hand, affords a woman every comfort on command.

You can imagine my excitement when I was told I was going to get to meet Queen Elizabeth the Second in person. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Now I wasn't completely unrealistic. I knew she wasn't going to come out rockin' the cape and crown and riding a lion with the head of a traitor on a pike. I was seven years old, after all. Not six. That actually just added to the intrigue, though - how did a modern queen present herself for an average public outing? What did a contemporary figurehead of the Commonwealth wear to distinguish herself as representative of the entire population of Britain? I couldn't even begin to imagine!

If I'd had any expectations, though, I am very sure a tastefully tailored suit in an understated pastel shade would have failed them. It most certainly failed to justify standing on a hot tarmac for hours to see something I could just as easily have enjoyed seeing in the comfort of a nice chair with the Sears catalog open in my lap to Ladies Professional Wear. I wasn't expecting Elizabeth the Second to look like Elizabeth the First, no, but I think I was justified in not expecting her to look like the Avon lady either.

Yes, Queen Elizabeth the Second is a lovely person and an admirable monarch in her own right. As a sequel, though, she's definitely not worth the price of popcorn. Shaking hands with her was less exciting than turning on the air conditioning when we finally got back to the car was. I'm confident the experience of shaking hands with Elizabeth the First would have topped that. I don't wish our Lizzie any ill will, though. Of course not. I very sincerely wish her majesty a long, peaceful and happy reign. And while I defer from proclaiming any loyalties on the off chance RuPaul might someday decide to stage a coup, I would definitely vote she be allowed to keep her head if and when we trium... that should happen.

I trust you know that you really can't believe a word I say in these titles.

Fact: Butter is made from melted dandelions.
Fact: Foxes are the offspring of mated coyotes and house cats.
Fact: Nutmeg is magic.
Fact: If you wear a pair of pants with fake pockets for 21 straight days you will go certifiably insane.
Fact: The entire universe is inside out.
Fact: Mermaids taste like corn chips.
Fact: Finger and toenails are not actually part of the body. They are technically parasites.
Fact: Children who eat glue bounce higher when you drop them than those who don't.
Fact: Math is mostly wrong.
Fact: Grammar is even wronger.
Fact: Worms are coagulated rain.
Fact: Blogger automatically censors out the word
Fact: I was totally messing with you there.
Fact: Roughly translated, the word for "belly button" in Swahili means "imagination of the intestine to believe it can make kisses"
Fact: The original teddy bear was an actual grizzly cub trained to attack small children who got out of bed to pee.
Fact: Kittens are coagulated cotton candy.
Fact: Shag carpeting is responsible for 154 sock fires every year.
Fact: Bowling is technically not considered a pornographic act.
Fact: A properly aged brie can be absorbed directly through the skin.
Fact: Monsters, if they existed, would kill and eat people.
Fact: Pencils feel pain when you sharpen them.
Fact: The average five year old gains three and a quarter pounds over the course of a year eating boogers.
Fact: The longest any human being has survived post-decapitation is not at all.
Fact: This is getting wordy.

No, no, not this title. Anything but this title!

Okay, let's all freak out, shall we? All at the same time, I mean. Like a group hug, only with more eye clawing and screaming. C'mon! It'll be good exercise!

Here are some things to get everybody started, but feel free to improvise:

• Was that freckle there yesterday? Is it even really a freckle? Are you sure?
  
• You know you're forgetting something you were supposed to do. What was it again? Oh yeah that's right. You can't remember. And that's why it's not getting done. And you know what that means! Oh yeah, you don't. Because you can't remember. Something is going to happen and you have no idea what and it's your fault and you can't stop it.
• You feel okay now, but there's really no way to know how healthy the last fly that landed on you was, now is there?
• Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Do you know absolutely every law there is? No, you don't. Remember that the next time you hear sirens.
• Right now, somewhere in your mouth, there's a statistically probable chance a cavity is forming.
• How disappointed would the six year old you be with the progress you've made on the things you were definitely going to do as an adult? Have you been to the moon even once yet? What about the rest of your famous rock band? You do have a famous rock band, don't you?
  
• Oh my god! What time is it?
• Maybe instead of keeping yourself safe from it walking germs on you with it's dirty little feet, the last time you smashed a bug you actually released a tiny cloud of very potent killer pathogens into the atmosphere that are right now getting right to work on the important business of killing us all.
• Computers do not, generally speaking, spontaneously blow up and kill people. That doesn't mean it's impossible, that just means we have no way to see it coming.
• Blue ice.
• We all know our own bodies pretty well, sure, but few of us really know the actual, clinical difference between a normal bump and a dead in three months bump. Bet you don't.
• Something you own is lost. You don't know it yet, because you don't need it right now. When you do need it, though, it won't be there.
• You can't prove aliens from another planet aren't stealing your brain waves. Therefor it's logically possible they are. Hey, you need those brain waves!
• Jayne Martin just Twittered "I think people are following me." while I was writing that last bullet point. The odds of that being a coincidence are not good, my friends.

And on that note enjoy your little group freak out. I'll be under the bed with my teddy bear.

On the other hand, I used to cuddle that bear when I was sick, and it's been stored in a dark, warm trunk. Maybe I'll just cuddle a jug of peroxide and a bag of cotton balls instead.