Thursday, April 22, 2010

I'm going to title this entry "Title". Yeah I am messing with you!

I am obsessed with chicken tractors now, and it's all Vicki Lane's fault. Mentioning the things on a public blog where anyone - even impressionable trailer park residents - can read it. Really! She actually did that!

You hear that, Vicki? That low roar of anguish and sorrow? Those are the legions of people feeling sorry for me right now. Those beeps you hear are call waiting. The legions of people feeling slightly perturbed on my behalf are on the other line. That's nothing to do with you, though - that's just because I made the damn fool mistake of downloading Napster. Yeah yeah yeah, you can tell me how stupid I was after the Better Business Bureau gets me my refund, okay?

Have a cookie everybody, because unfortunately sympathy's not going to help get me a chicken tractor, either. Even if they did allow chicken tractors in the trailer park, now would not be a good time to get one. Three cats and two dogs will be quite enough to get moved and resettled into city life. I don't need to be urbanizing poultry too. No, I don't have the option of having a chicken tractor.

That's why it's compulsory for my boyfriend to have one. He's my surrogate farmer. The other day we had twin calves! My boyfriend bought the cow and the bull and fed and pastured them and gave them water and all the necessary medical attentions and complied with all the necessary legal registrations and whatnot, and I named them. Well, I will name them. I don't want to rush it. I take my share of the responsibility for our calves very seriously. I'm wondering if perhaps it might be most helpful if I were to pick out the chicken names now, so that when my boyfriend realizes that he intends to buy some they'll be ready to go.

It all started with Potato Day, aka The Holiday That Wasn't.

The poor man worked his little heart out on his garden last year. Planted all kinds of wonders and delights. Nurtured it like a little orphaned kitten. An exceptionally cute one, even. Like, a pink one with thick black eyelashes or something. I know, a heart shaped kitten with pink fur and long black eyelashes! Wait, no. I'm scaring myself now. Anyway, you get the idea. The man poured his heart and soul into growing strong, healthy plants.

I hope the grasshoppers enjoyed them.

The only thing more bloody mindedly persistent than pestilence is an optimist, though, and that's how a seed potato found itself wintering indoors in a lovely big pot under a grow light. It was a happy potato. It was an enthusiastic potato. Day after day the little potato reached higher and higher until it was several feet tall. It was proclaimed that a day would be chosen to honor the potato - assuming that potatoes consider being eaten an honor, and I admit that I make that assumption. This day would be in February, and it would be a delicious day.

Then one day in January - although we know not which day - the little potato began to slowly collapse it's proud stalk down to the earth of it's pot. By February it lay fully prone in a perfect spiral. By Potato Day it's last green flush of life had faded to a sepia memory. There would be no potato day, for there was no potato.

The only thing more bloody mindedly persistent than an optimist is a frustrated optimist. Planning for the chicken moat commenced.

I'm pretty sure I'd suggested it last year too, but two potato failures in a row have won my idea new respect. The idea is to put a fence around the garden to keep the chickens out, and then put chickens inside a fence around the fence around the garden to keep the grasshoppers out. I call it the chicken moat, and apparently a full year with an unsatisfied craving for garden fresh potato makes it a very compelling idea. There's a very real chance this might happen, and from there the chicken tractor's as good as up and running.

Once that's in place I'm going to need a few coyotes to drop by, though. Apparently I still need to work on garnering support for my Ostrich Patrol Corps idea.

Anyway anyway anyway that's a job for another day. I have decidedly more important priorities just at present, thank you very much!

So is She-Ra as good name for a chicken as I think it is or what?

34 comments:

nick said...

Goodness, this self-sufficiency lark is complicated. And that's just the chickens and potatoes dealt with (or rather not quite dealt with). Chicken tractors are a new one on me, not sure if they even exist in Britain, a clever way to improve grazing. And much better than the road-clogging type of tractor.

Buckeroomama said...

Umm, I was with you until the Potato Day that never came to be and then I just couldn't get my head around the idea of a chicken moat... I'll have you to blame if I dream of chickens and grasshoppers and coyotes tonight!

Brian Miller said...

she-ra is a great name...yes, i have been dreaming of chicken tractors....

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm not sure if I like you messing with my head. Chickens, tractors, it's all a bit too much. Can chickens even drive tractors?!

Eva Gallant said...

I love the idea of a chicken moat, but can chickens swim?

Jenners said...

I have no idea what the hell you are talking about but I know you told me to have a cookie at one point so I will.

Raelene said...

A chicken moat sounds fantastic!!!! And she-ra is a very powerful chicken name......:)

Deanna said...

Poor boyfriend and his potatoes. A chicken moat. I dunno. Checked out the chicken tractor. Enjoy your blog.

Deanna

buffalodick said...

Never name an animal you might eat someday...

Jazz said...

She-Ra is a perfect name for a chicken.

But you know, you sorta scare me sometimes.

linlah said...

It's like the whole potato blight thing all over again.

Unknown Mami said...

I only support this idea if you put the chickens on roller skates.

blueviolet said...

A chicken moat? I'm having one crazy visual right now and adding She-ra to the mix only ups the ante.

mythopolis said...

I have a neighbor who makes chicken tractors and sets them out roadside for sale. I am not sure how exportable the idea is for many people. But, I do know that if people took a hard look at the chicken/egg commercial industry, they'd be looking for other alternatives....or become vegans! (Not a vegan, but interested in alternatives!)

Sarah P said...

Three little letters: CSA. Fresh veg, none of the work.

You should still get chickens, though. They're awesome.

bernthis said...

you should name one of your chickens after my ex husband, trust me, it would be very fitting

....Petty Witter said...

Like an eposide of the English comedy The Good Life, the whole self sufficency buisness is not without (funny) incidence. A great name for a chicken, She-Ra, I really like it.

The Blue Zoo said...

She-Ra is an excellent chicken name.

The Hubs wants to get ducks. And name one Peking.

bernthis said...

I can't be with ppl who are too positive. They scare me. It's like I want to yell, "Do you read the paper?" ;)

Jingle said...

humor is cool,
funny names with cool games,

what a talent!

dogimo said...

My ex-girlfriend had a dog named She-Ra.

American Eskimo.

e said...

She-ra is a great chicken name...will now have to Google chicken tractor as have never heard of this...rolls away laughing, knowing her head is being played with...the things I learn on blogs...

Vicki Lane said...

Tee hee! Sorry for where my chicken tractor's led you, Tatty.

Our is copied from one we saw in the Cotswolds -- a quick visit to Mr. Google will confirm that many, many have succumbed to this madness.

Martha said...

You always totally crack me up! I think She-Ra is a great chicken name, LOL!

You are such a talented writer, I couldn't think this stuff up in a million years.

I'm a frustrated potato farmer too by the way. Never had a chicken mote though,maybe I'll put that on my dream list.

Have a great weekend :-)

Just Brande said...

I was a late starter and have been busy. But I'm finally caught up. Whew! Now to stay caught up. You can't imagine how I'd missed your crazy posts. :-)

LadyFi said...

Poor poor potato! She-ra is an excellent chicken name, as is Boo-ya and Xena.

TheFrogBag said...

Oh my god, this is the best post ever. A chicken moat... I want a chicken moat!! And by the way, She-Ra is a great name for a chicken. Or a potato, now that I think about it. She-ra the potato wouldn't have quit on you so easily!

Shrinky said...

Oh I just love how you write (still laughing). We (of course, this I use as in the "Royal" we, seeing as how I mean hubby) are sewing potatoes this week, he's been "chitting" them in pots all over the house for weeks! Chickens sound so romantic to keep, don't they? Fresh eggs, gorgeous fluffy chicks, aww.. All I can say is beware the chicken-poop, they can turn an ounce of grain into a mud-slide of s..t, I jest you not!

Jen said...

I had to Google to see these chicken tractors. They are so small! Will your chickens be happy in that?

We had chickens on our "farm" growing up. They roamed about during the day and returned to their coops to roost at night. They sometimes roosted where they shouldn't and made a mess.

JoeyRes said...

We had chickens and cows and pigs when I was a kid. They make for lots of good (gross) stories.

Hens should all be named Henrietta. It's a rule.

carma said...

she-ra - hmmmmm....maybe if she is a chicken/rapper

blognut said...

I think She-ra is an excellent name for a chicken and I'm totally going to try this idea. Only I'm not having a grasshopper problem, I'm having a rabbit problem, so I'll have a fox moat instead of a chicken moat. This makes perfect sense to me.

secret agent woman said...

Chicken moat! Brilliant!

injaynesworld said...

She-Ra is an excellent name for a chicken, but you'll have to get her a little spandex outfit with a cape and a mask.

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